Today, my mom told me to clean the house up because she wants to make good impression on the cleaning lady. FML

Today, I decided to clean the whole house as a surprise for my mother. When she came home, she screamed at me and called me a bitch because she had wanted to clean it herself. FML

Today, I learned that my mom's laptop was originally my Christmas gift. She opened it and decided she liked it so much she should have it. I got hot rollers. FML

Today, I hired a cleaner to clean my apartment so when my in-laws visited tonight, they wouldn't think I was lazy. I got home from work, the cleaner hadn't shown at all, and my in-laws had arrived early. My mother-in-law is now mopping the floors. FML

I am hungry

Today, I thought my mother was coming into my room to give me lunch. She gave me cleaning supplies instead. FML

Get Out

Today, I came home to find that my mother had cleaned my room, and she'd done a very good job, too. So good in fact, that she even managed to remove all of the furniture, replacing it with a note that said, "It's time to go, sweetie XO". FML

Christmas hint

Today, my wife gave me my Christmas gift, a novelty kitchen sponge, then suggested I try it out on the sink full of dishes. FML

Today, my sister gave me a early Christmas present. It's lice. FML

Today, I told my boss I need a scrub brush to properly clean the stairs at my workplace. She gave me an old toothbrush. FML

Priorities

Today, my mother flipped out that I spent $20 on a gift for myself for my birthday. Instead of getting a gift for me, she spent $300 on a new vacuum cleaner, and claims that we didn't have enough left in our budget to spend on me. FML