Today, my five year old daughter told me that while I'm at work, daddy has his wrestling buddy Melinda over. She also said that they wrestle on the bed so that they won't get hurt. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, my 6 year-old daughter walked in on my husband and I getting it on. Now she won't stop "pretending to be daddy" against items of furniture. We have guests coming round in three hours. FML
Today, my daughter hugged me around the neck and whispered, "I'm going to cut your head off." I'm afraid to go to sleep now. FML
Today, my 7-year-old daughter made a new game: hitting me in the groin when I'm not expecting it. She hunts me in the house, hides around corners, and behind furniture to ambush me. She'll even do it if she catches me napping. I'm a grown man living in fear of a little girl. FML
Today, I could hear my daughter playing with her Barbie dolls in her room. "Do you think your boss will agree to give you a raise?", she said. "Of course, we slept together!" My daughter is six. FML
Today, I overheard my 5 year old daughter call a girl in her dance class a slut. Shocked, I asked her where she heard that word. Her response: "I heard you and Daddy say it about her Mommy." FML
Today, I got a call from my daughter's school saying that she had beat someone up. She's 4. FML
Today, my daughter told me she wants to be a stripper when she grows up, just like "Daddy's girlfriend." We're still married. FML
Today, my five year old daughter asked me what a divorce was. When I asked why she wanted to know, she replied with "Daddy wants one. He says you can have me." FML
Today, I was sitting on the couch with my 5 year-old on my lap. All of a sudden, she turned to me and said, "Daddy, I love your boobies. They're a good pillow." My own kid just called me fat. FML
Today, while I was going down on my husband, our 3-year-old daughter woke up and started crying from the other room. He practically burst into tears too, whining that she was doing it on purpose to ruin his fun. He was serious. FML
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Top comments
LadyKaya 0
FYL...I'm so sorry, especially when you have a child who's seen this/heard this...Not only has she seen things she's way too young to understand, or that he'd even do that with a child in the house, but the fighting/divorce that's on the horizon will be hard on her...It's sad that he didn't think of his daughter.
kitkatkelly 0
Daddy's gonna get a thumping from someone else tonight.
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Comments (176)
kirbyfan23 0
Comment moderated for rule-breaking.
That sucks. Maybe you should find a wrestling buddy at work...? P.S. whomever replies to this is an attention *****!
jess_00 0
yes...yes I am ;) but anyway I agree!
no1askdu 5
yes...yes I am ;) but anyway I agree!
Xdanicat 0
To be first, sometimes people just write one or two words to ensure their spot, then edit and say what they actually wanna say. It's a cheap trick, #1, so don't even begin to call other people attention ******.
americayay 0
Haha 21. Thank you for that. That was terrific. My biggest pet peeve on here are the "NO! Don't take attention away from my accomplishment as first!!!!!!" people. At least everyone else is on topic.
kirbyfan23 0
Meh. I'll admit it. I am an attention *****. But I never said it was a bad thing. I just wanted to point it out! So congratulations to all you attention ****** out there! Keep doing your work and so it well!
the_stereotype 0
my reply is kind of relevant...instead of finding your own "wrestling buddy" you should convince your daughter to tell your husband that she has her own little wrestling buddy. of course, it wouldn't be true, but it sure would freak him out. btw, it's kind of bother me...but i think it's supposed to be whoever instead of whomever. feel free to correct me if i'm wrong.
kirbyfan23 0
I'm not sure about the "whoever/whomever" thing, but I do believe you should have said "it's kind of botherING me" But I do think you're right.
Intoxicunt 6
Whoever is for subject. "Whoever said that is stupid." Whomever is for object. "Give this to whomever you wish." Simple. Now ya know.
DamnDatFML 0
In Soviet Russia people don't care about your comment
hannahrawr24 0
yay for attention ******. :D
kitkatkelly 0
Daddy's gonna get a thumping from someone else tonight.
senior_dingdong 0
kitkatkelley... you are TEH FUHKING WINNARZ I LOLD HARD NICE PUN
YamahaMama09 0
Wow......that sucks.
Gwenhyvar 3
Ouch. That sucks. Creepy that the daughter has seen it?
Luv4Paramore 0
oh wow i guess he wasnt expecting ur daughter to tell u anything. fyl.
liveyourlife1212 0
haha that sucks
NELU_fml 0
kids say the darnest things
vickyvicious_fml 0
that's so messed up. I'm sorry that this happened to you.
allmidnighteyes 11
Is Melinda as young as your daughter? Because that would make this FML even more ******.
null_fml 11
Of course not!! They wouldn't be in the same weight category.
redbluegreen 41
Win. :D
LadyKaya 0
FYL...I'm so sorry, especially when you have a child who's seen this/heard this...Not only has she seen things she's way too young to understand, or that he'd even do that with a child in the house, but the fighting/divorce that's on the horizon will be hard on her...It's sad that he didn't think of his daughter.