Today, my five year old daughter told me that while I'm at work, daddy has his wrestling buddy Melinda over. She also said that they wrestle on the bed so that they won't get hurt. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, my 6 year-old daughter walked in on my husband and I getting it on. Now she won't stop "pretending to be daddy" against items of furniture. We have guests coming round in three hours. FML
Today, my daughter hugged me around the neck and whispered, "I'm going to cut your head off." I'm afraid to go to sleep now. FML
Today, my 7-year-old daughter made a new game: hitting me in the groin when I'm not expecting it. She hunts me in the house, hides around corners, and behind furniture to ambush me. She'll even do it if she catches me napping. I'm a grown man living in fear of a little girl. FML
Today, I could hear my daughter playing with her Barbie dolls in her room. "Do you think your boss will agree to give you a raise?", she said. "Of course, we slept together!" My daughter is six. FML
Today, I overheard my 5 year old daughter call a girl in her dance class a slut. Shocked, I asked her where she heard that word. Her response: "I heard you and Daddy say it about her Mommy." FML
Today, I got a call from my daughter's school saying that she had beat someone up. She's 4. FML
Today, my daughter told me she wants to be a stripper when she grows up, just like "Daddy's girlfriend." We're still married. FML
Today, my five year old daughter asked me what a divorce was. When I asked why she wanted to know, she replied with "Daddy wants one. He says you can have me." FML
Today, I was sitting on the couch with my 5 year-old on my lap. All of a sudden, she turned to me and said, "Daddy, I love your boobies. They're a good pillow." My own kid just called me fat. FML
Today, while I was going down on my husband, our 3-year-old daughter woke up and started crying from the other room. He practically burst into tears too, whining that she was doing it on purpose to ruin his fun. He was serious. FML
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Top comments
LadyKaya 0
FYL...I'm so sorry, especially when you have a child who's seen this/heard this...Not only has she seen things she's way too young to understand, or that he'd even do that with a child in the house, but the fighting/divorce that's on the horizon will be hard on her...It's sad that he didn't think of his daughter.
kitkatkelly 0
Daddy's gonna get a thumping from someone else tonight.
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Comments (176)
noshitsherlock 0
that really sucks. but... LMFAO this is one of the funniest FMLs I've read!!!!! Wrestling buddy!?!!
thegate 0
you have to practice otherwise you won't get better
Medea_FTW 0
YDI for wasting our time and yours whining on FML when you should be closing out your joint accounts, leaving your husband without money to pay for his *****, and tracking down Melinda to smash her face in with an iron. STFU, grow a set, and kick some ass! Goddamn.
blalien 0
I kind of have to agree. "I just found out my husband is cheating on me. I'd better go post this to a random bunch of people on the Internet!"
Puolukka 4
You do know that all FMLs have to start with "Today", right?! o.O So while she was posting this they may already have been in the middle of the divorce or already divorced...
possumisawesome 0
Yeah, a FML was posted yesterday and the OP said in the comments that it had actually happened three years ago. Maybe this happened a week ago, after she dealt with her husband and his wrestling buddy, or a year. Or maybe she found the need to post it to random internet people first :p
DieterDerBlau 0
How is a woman gonna GROW A SET??? They can't even fake those in on sex changes... Moron. Next, you'll be telling her to "man up", right?
Vaetrus 0
#60. I never thought of that. They could already be divorced or in the process and the FML is how the husband got a new "wrestling" buddy right away. It doesn't mention if daddy lives with mommy or if they are even still married.
Roberto_66 0
I'd say you deserve it for marrying somebody so stupid, but man that sucks haha.
amatayo 0
kids got to love how they understand nothing at all
nazrew 0
lol @35
kukopia 0
To bad you're not smart enough to reply to # 35...
whiskeyloverrrr 0
Too bad you're not smart enough to use the right "too"
hiddentabloids 0
derp derp
plexico 4
I hope Dad had the door closed when he gave Melinda the ol' Pile Driver!
plexico 4
Does anyone use the term "piles" for "hemorrhoids" anymore? If they did, they might enjoy the comment above.
monnanon 14
haha...you've made my day with that comment :D
The_Chuck_Norris 0
oh no stone cold stunner! its over, its over, we have a new champion
nanoflacka 0
Who won XD
startafire 0
Did she mention that they were wrestling in the nude?
NaziZombie 0
Today, my daughter told my wife i had a wrestling partner. Now i have to tell my wife that my daughter lied and in actuality i am havig an affair. Dang it. FML.