Today, my daughter was playing outside. I was watching her from the window, and I saw her pick up a dead bird. I ran outside to grab her. As I picked her up and started scolding her, she tried to scratch my face. In the attempt, her hand went straight into my mouth. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, my 7-year-old daughter came up to me in a noisy mall and said "boo-boo" pointing to her hand. Not paying enough attention, I kissed her hand to make her feel better. She grimaced and said "No dad, bird poo." FML
Today, I was holding hands with my daughter and she wanted to skip. When I went to skip I accidentally kneed her in the face. Everyone saw her holding her busted lip and pointing at me. FML
Today, after we finished making my 6 year-old daughter a net to catch an injured baby bird, when she went out to catch it she witnessed a stray cat catch and eat it. FML
Today, I was playing with my four month old daughter, flying her in the air like an airplane. I open my mouth saying 'Weeee', and she vomited on my face. FML
Today, instead of kissing my child's boo-boo on her finger to make it feel better, I accidentally headbutted her. FML
Today, while at a restaurant, I watched in horror as my daughter picked a hair out of her food and continued eating it. FML
Today, I received a medical bill because my daughter thought it would be hilarious to try and fit her fist in her mouth. She succeeded in getting it in, but not in getting it out. FML
Today, while I was babysitting, the toddler was feeding me banana slices from her tray while I was cutting up clay for her to mold. It was all fine until she shoved something hard and crunchy into my mouth. I immediately spat it out into my hand. It was a dead cricket she found on the floor. FML
Today, while I was cooking, my dogs were messing around behind me. I suddenly felt a painful bite on my ass cheek and instinctively kicked back. I then realized it was my 3-year-old daughter, who was laying on the floor crying with a nose bleed. FML
Today, I was driving my 7-year-old daughter to school, when out of nowhere a bird smashed into the windshield. Instead of screaming or being traumatized by the gore like me, my daughter started laughing, eventually calling the bird a "stupid bastard". FML
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Top comments
Quietcannon 0
She tried to scratch your face? How is she that bad with her behavior already?! She needs to be spanked.
Mudley 0
When you say "daughter," you mean "cat" right? That would make a lot more sense, in multiple places.
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Comments (108)
hijueputa 0
F your first
NzaHaFML 13
Relax. When we eat chicken, it's a dead bird too ya know? Imagine it as a roast when you tasted it.
hijueputa 0
what the hell??? I keep finding comments that I haven't made! who the hell is doing this and how??? Stop hacking into my account you assholes!
crazyluvbug 8
Report it or change your password.
GnaR_KiLL5150 12
I'm pretty sure that's how the bird flu got started.
Quietcannon 0
She tried to scratch your face? How is she that bad with her behavior already?! She needs to be spanked.
Thanitos 0
yes, because hitting your child solves everything.
Funkengine12 0
Um, first, I believe you meant "eat". Second, I myself eat dead animals every day. I do not, however, pick dead animals off the ground and pop them into my mouth. There is a middle ground, hard as that may be for you to believe.
Emma89_ 0
No, not everything, but some children do need physical punishment to be taught a lesson. Not all children will sulk in a corner after you say "Now Mummy doesn't like it when you try to eat dead Birds and try and scratch her face off" And I don't mean belting the child until you break your hand or something, one firm, swift smack on the bum will do it. My sister and I where smacked when we were kids and we grew up fine. My cousins, who weren't, have grown into lazy, disrespecting brats.
scythefwd 0
@ #14 - huge difference between beating/hitting your kid and spanking them. One is done in anger, the other is done in correction. One is a controlled motion, specifically intended to sting but not cause any real harm. The other is a reaction, and can very easily be uncontrolled. A swat or two on the behind isn't going to ruin a child. A smack across the face, or unrelenting spanking (continuous, or in excess of more than a couple) isn't good. Which would you rather do, have a daughter that thinks it's ok to claw at your face or one that doesn't. Remember, not everyone reacts the same way to a method of correction. One kid you can talk to and explain how it is wrong and they get it... another kid will think that they aren't even being corrected (grounding, yelling had NO effect on me... a swat or two on the butt would work wonders on my attitude) and will continue on doing what they were doing.
dralven 0
What the hell are you talking bout Funk?
your_face 15
I think comments must have been moved around, so Funk's looks out of place... I agree that something is seriously wrong if your child thinks that a proper response to being scolded is to scratch your face. In this case, spanking might not be the best option - you don't want to create an even more violent child. But you do need to figure out some way to control her.
helloxmygoodbye 0
#19 This exactly. You should NEVER beat a child. Don't hit hard, or out of anger. A stern swat to the behind does not hurt them. It shocks them and tells them what they did was bad. I can tell you out of experience that time-outs and telling a child not to do something does not always work. It's pathetic how many brats I see who blatantly disobey adults and misbehave. It's not always the parents fault, it's society's. If someone even touches a kid there's someone calling the cops. They don't look at the whole situation and see if that kid was even really hurt. It's just like those parents who got their kids taken away from them and were thought to be pedophiles because they got a picture of their one year old in the bath tub developed at walmart. Apparently that's considered child pornography. We're arresting so many normal people that the real disgusting perverts and rapists slide under the radar. anyways, enough of my rant...
eragonus 0
-.- There is a difference between spanking your child for discipline and 'hitting your child.' Trust me spanking doesn't ruin a child... I was spanked plenty growing up. Ask any elderly person... they were probably spanked too. Most remembered phrase from my old family camping trips: "Go fetch a switch." Note that's a trap as it makes you think you have some control over whats about to happen. Get the biggest it hurts alot, get a small flimsy one... it can cut you... like a whip... V.V Switches are evil.
ChairForce 0
I agree with #19. #14's kids are probably the ones we hear throwing a temper tantrum in the middle of Walmart because they don't want to go home.
Darraghscoot 0
sometimes hitting your child does solve things :) im sorry but wtf you gonna do witha 7 year who wants a ******* toy right now this second?haha
radiocaf 29
I agree.
allisha 7
can you say behavioral issues? o_O reminds me of that stephen king movie with damien |:
lovelylittleme 0
lmao.. deffo!
bnovek84 0
she's just being a little kid
MustacheChildren 0
I don't know about you, but i would have been punished if i tried to scratch my father's face.
shootingstar8D 0
whats wrose a dick in yo mouth or a dead bird?
bexox 0
Wtf... a dead bird. By far.
Funambulist 0
FYL. Thats gross. ergh.
mikersy 0
sick...
cerebellum_fml 0
Didnt want it to go to waste did she?
ellysa_fml 0
bitch litle girl
Peroxide 3
You've trained her well, she goes straight for the face.