Today, my daughter was playing outside. I was watching her from the window, and I saw her pick up a dead bird. I ran outside to grab her. As I picked her up and started scolding her, she tried to scratch my face. In the attempt, her hand went straight into my mouth. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, my 7-year-old daughter came up to me in a noisy mall and said "boo-boo" pointing to her hand. Not paying enough attention, I kissed her hand to make her feel better. She grimaced and said "No dad, bird poo." FML
Today, I was holding hands with my daughter and she wanted to skip. When I went to skip I accidentally kneed her in the face. Everyone saw her holding her busted lip and pointing at me. FML
Today, after we finished making my 6 year-old daughter a net to catch an injured baby bird, when she went out to catch it she witnessed a stray cat catch and eat it. FML
Today, I was playing with my four month old daughter, flying her in the air like an airplane. I open my mouth saying 'Weeee', and she vomited on my face. FML
Today, instead of kissing my child's boo-boo on her finger to make it feel better, I accidentally headbutted her. FML
Today, while at a restaurant, I watched in horror as my daughter picked a hair out of her food and continued eating it. FML
Today, I received a medical bill because my daughter thought it would be hilarious to try and fit her fist in her mouth. She succeeded in getting it in, but not in getting it out. FML
Today, while I was babysitting, the toddler was feeding me banana slices from her tray while I was cutting up clay for her to mold. It was all fine until she shoved something hard and crunchy into my mouth. I immediately spat it out into my hand. It was a dead cricket she found on the floor. FML
Today, while I was cooking, my dogs were messing around behind me. I suddenly felt a painful bite on my ass cheek and instinctively kicked back. I then realized it was my 3-year-old daughter, who was laying on the floor crying with a nose bleed. FML
Today, I was driving my 7-year-old daughter to school, when out of nowhere a bird smashed into the windshield. Instead of screaming or being traumatized by the gore like me, my daughter started laughing, eventually calling the bird a "stupid bastard". FML
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Top comments
Quietcannon 0
She tried to scratch your face? How is she that bad with her behavior already?! She needs to be spanked.
Mudley 0
When you say "daughter," you mean "cat" right? That would make a lot more sense, in multiple places.
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Comments (108)
RuralNinja 0
YDI for raising a misbehaving kid.
TornRagDoll 0
I'm assuming, based on the child's behavior, that shes probably what? 4? 5? so, my question is, why were you watching her from the window instead of out there with her?? YDI
cefarix 5
How is babby formed?
ROFLDOCTOR 1
How girl get pregnant?
silverx10 0
Silly rabbit, every good parent knows that the proper scolding of children is done by picking them up, holding them at a safe distance, and shaking them until they learn their lesson. ...But srsly, FYL.
13__Loki__13 1
Yeah, kids are great. Every time she does something like this just remember... you did this to yourself in deciding to have a kid. Maybe you'd be travelling the world right now instead of brushing your tongue for an hour to get the dead bird taste out of your mouth. Good luck with that... sounds like you have a real winner there! Enjoy!
tayzer_fml 0
Punch her in the face!
jillz 0
She tried to scratch your face. Whatever you are currently doing to keep her in check is not enough. I wouldn't even sigh or roll my eyes around my mother.
wearinsexypants 0
I was once babysitting a little boy in a theatre scene shop. i got a really important phone call I had been waiting for and let go of Dylan for 1 second, and he walked over to a flat and swiped his hand through the paint. Now, I was only 17 so I can be forgiven for letting go of the baby in my excitement. But even I knew that if you need to clean a baby's hand, because of paint or dead bird or whatever, you don't just scoop up the baby because they will rub that hand all over you and them. you have to hold their dirty hand, by the arm, in one of your hands while you pick them up with the other. that way, no dead bird hand in your mouth. but you're probably not the best parent anyway. I suspect you severely over-reacted to natural curiosity and freaked your daughter out, causing her to try to scratch you, or you have taught her that scratching and violence is ok. so yes, fyl, but not for the dead bird taste in your mouth... you deserved that.
tropicthunder 3
fy mouths l
porn_ninja 0
LMFAO! and LOL @ #12