Today, my daughter was playing outside. I was watching her from the window, and I saw her pick up a dead bird. I ran outside to grab her. As I picked her up and started scolding her, she tried to scratch my face. In the attempt, her hand went straight into my mouth. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, my 7-year-old daughter came up to me in a noisy mall and said "boo-boo" pointing to her hand. Not paying enough attention, I kissed her hand to make her feel better. She grimaced and said "No dad, bird poo." FML
Today, I was holding hands with my daughter and she wanted to skip. When I went to skip I accidentally kneed her in the face. Everyone saw her holding her busted lip and pointing at me. FML
Today, after we finished making my 6 year-old daughter a net to catch an injured baby bird, when she went out to catch it she witnessed a stray cat catch and eat it. FML
Today, I was playing with my four month old daughter, flying her in the air like an airplane. I open my mouth saying 'Weeee', and she vomited on my face. FML
Today, instead of kissing my child's boo-boo on her finger to make it feel better, I accidentally headbutted her. FML
Today, while at a restaurant, I watched in horror as my daughter picked a hair out of her food and continued eating it. FML
Today, I received a medical bill because my daughter thought it would be hilarious to try and fit her fist in her mouth. She succeeded in getting it in, but not in getting it out. FML
Today, while I was babysitting, the toddler was feeding me banana slices from her tray while I was cutting up clay for her to mold. It was all fine until she shoved something hard and crunchy into my mouth. I immediately spat it out into my hand. It was a dead cricket she found on the floor. FML
Today, while I was cooking, my dogs were messing around behind me. I suddenly felt a painful bite on my ass cheek and instinctively kicked back. I then realized it was my 3-year-old daughter, who was laying on the floor crying with a nose bleed. FML
Today, I was driving my 7-year-old daughter to school, when out of nowhere a bird smashed into the windshield. Instead of screaming or being traumatized by the gore like me, my daughter started laughing, eventually calling the bird a "stupid bastard". FML
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Top comments
Quietcannon 0
She tried to scratch your face? How is she that bad with her behavior already?! She needs to be spanked.
Mudley 0
When you say "daughter," you mean "cat" right? That would make a lot more sense, in multiple places.
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Comments (108)
Moemoemoe_fml 0
I'm sorry, I thought you said it was your daughter, but the creature appears to react more like a rabid raccoon. Human children are not supposed to scratch at the parents' faces when they pick them up. PARENTING, YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG. D: Either that of you need to get glasses for yourself and call animal control for the rabid raccoon... That or possibly go toss your daughter at the pound or something and try again with a baby you raise properly next time. Also, YDI for the dead bird mouthful.
ROFLDOCTOR 1
lolwat. If your daughter is old enough to be outside by herself, then she's old enough to get slapped in the face. This is when you start disciplining your child. I believe a slap in the face is ideal as opposed to a spank on the ass, because a slap can be soft and unharmful enough to also be imposing and intimidating. I actually don't understand AT ALL how parents these days can go without disciplining their children. If some inferior little brat disrespected me in ANY way, I'd get pissed off and punish them effortlessly! Be a little more assertive and have self-respect. YDI.
sarahrenee4487 0
Do you have any children? I do not think that you understand anything about parenting, and if you do have children, I am scared for them.
hjordis 2
Seriously, I had to go back and make sure I didn't read it wrong and it was, in fact, your daughter and not your cat.
Chantallika 0
YDI yourself. What the hell is wrong with you that you raise a child that plays with dead animals and then attempts to SCRATCH YOUR FACE when you discipline her? If she's too young to know better, you're a deliquent parent for leaving her on her own (and she's still a sociopath for being that young and violent enough to attempt to scratch her mother). If she's old enough to know better, she's a spoiled brat at best and a psychopath at worst.
hellokimmiee 5
For all you people saying spanking is cruel; the better kids in this world are the only ones who were spanked, just ask.
helloxmygoodbye 0
I wish there was a 'like' button on here
MissSparkie 0
I think her behaviour is by far worse than playing with a dead bird... I couldn't imagine mine ever raising a hand to me, and they wouldn't get far if they tried.
jdannyl 0
Parenting fail
beyondblue 0
What you are talking about is your child being a brat - it's not FML worthy.
ColdGold 6
Isn't that how Jeffery Dahmer started out? Nice little brat you brought into the world. Sounds like she has no respect for you at all.
ohglory 0
why you scolding her? did she disobey when you told her not to play with dead bird before? how old is she? some kids just need to understand why something is bad. if i didn't know dead birds were bad and you came at me scolding me i'd not only scratch your face i'd punch you in your teeth!
Tchernov9 0
Why the hell would you punch the mom in the face OMG?!?! You gotta be the dumbest person I've ever met, this is beyond stupidity, this is brute idiocy, even if you weren't told you would automatically learn that what you've done was a bad thing and you would take the punishment, and also she is saving your damn life! You could get some serious bacteria on these fresh ones and get like Bird flu or that stupid Swine flu which later leads to serious infection and impairment if your lucky to be alive the next few days, Swine flu cells latch onto your lungs and infect them until T-Cells come in and kill them but that leaves a hole where the Flu cell was, which leads you to drowning in your own fluids, I don't think a child survives something like that, or you can get some larvae and have them reproduce inside your organs make you puke bile, maggots, and food, which eventually deplete your resources, dehydrates you, and finally probably kill you if not medically helped right. open your eyes and walk into the common sense realm where everything is under control sir, it won't hurt you.