Today, my daughter turned one month old. I decided to give her a congratulatory kiss on the cheek. She decided to projectile vomit warm breastmilk into my partially open mouth. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, I asked my one-year-old to come and give mommy a kiss. She did and it was really sweet, until she tried to spit a piece of dog food into my mouth. FML
Today, after I finished giving my baby a bottle then burping her, I lifted her up and was bringing her in for kisses. As I was doing this, I felt this warm liquid hit my lips and slide into my mouth. I instantly pulled her back and she'd vomited. It took everything out of me not to vomit myself. FML
Today, I was playing with my four month old daughter, flying her in the air like an airplane. I open my mouth saying 'Weeee', and she vomited on my face. FML
Today, I went to visit my mom and my 3-month-old sister. I picked the baby up, totally unaware that she had just eaten. As I went to give her a kiss, she vomited straight into my mouth. Let's just say she wasn't the only one who puked. FML
Today, I kissed my girlfriend. She threw up in my mouth. FML
Today, I kissed the girl I love for the first time. Her reaction? She vomited. FML
Today, my daughter was feeling sick. She threw up on the floor. As I was cleaning up her vomit, she threw up on my head. Twice. FML
Today, I kissed my girlfriend for the first time. She recoiled in horror and asked if someone had taken a shit in my mouth. FML
Today, I taught my 18 month-old daughter to wipe the green, snotty mucus from under her nose with a tissue. To which, like a ninja, she then wiped my open-mouthed upper lip with that same snotty tissue. FML
Today, my six-month-old daughter decided to explore my nose, and before I could stop her she shoved her thumb deep in there. She thought it was hilarious when blood started gushing down my shirt. My nose is agony to touch and I still had to clean her up first. FML
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Top comments
no1askdu 5
thats how i say i love you
SlightlyGPirate 0
i didn't know men could breastfeed now! must be some genetic thing.
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Comments (106)
aebleskiver 0
Aw, suck it. You decided to have a baby and babies throw up.
proudpessimist 0
oh suck it uP! i've had that done to me plenty of times by my little cousins and im only 13!
plexico 4
Do you mean he should literally "suck it up?" I'm a dad -- I would advise against that.
bosshaug 0
I use baby vomit as lube I **********
DoNuTizPrOnuT 0
I hear you
shamille 5
why do we celebrate months old? is your daughter very ill? i mean it's not the middle ages...
boredperson 0
he was really trying to eat her, but just didn't write it that way
Narzhul 0
As if you've never had your wife's breastmilk.
plexico 4
I've had your wife's breast milk. Seemed like a fair exchange for my love yogurt.
lmfao25 0
Yes, and the OP's wife wanted to repay him for the delicious baby gravy he had given her about 10 months previous. She looooved that baby gravy, and was hoping that her husband would love her little gift of breastmilk as well :).
kdb_fml 0
I love you[r comment], plexico! (edit)
Jimboom 12
This is something I have heard time and time again. When will people learn to eat or at least kill their young before they can do disgusting shit like this.
drummer_dude 0
You sir, are win.
aback 5
She puked because Daddy was going to give her an open-mouthed kiss. Even a 1-month-old knows that's some gross shit.
GlumpyWonderCat 0
At least it was warm, I imagine cold breast milk wouldn't be as good.
rosierosierosie 0
I heaved.
Shintaka 0
Well you can always puke back on your daughter and ask her how she likes it.