Today, my dad gave me the sex talk. After telling me all the stuff I already knew, he told me never to use Durex condoms. He said, "They break a lot. That's the only reason you're around today, really." then chuckled to himself. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, while having a serious talk with my father, he said, "Son, you're only alive because of a faulty, off-brand condom." FML
Today, I got the sex talk from my dad. It wouldn't have been so bad if he hadn't said, "It's not the size of the stick, it's how you use it." I'm a girl. FML
Today, I told my dad I was going to Walgreens and asked if he needed anything. He needed condoms, and that I should call him when I get there so he can explain the kind he likes. FML
Today, I mentioned to my dad (we have a close relationship) that my last condom had expired. Happy to buy me new ones for the sake of safe sex, he asked me "Do you need small, or extra small?" FML
Today, my dad gave me the dreaded sex talk, but he got sidetracked and started talking about how good my mum was in bed. FML
Today, my dad sat me down for the sex talk. Almost before he could open his mouth, my mother popped her head into the room and said, "Be realistic, Dan. Who would want to sleep with that?" FML
Today, my father came over to my house. I realized there were condoms on the table, so I subtly moved a vase to hide them. He then gave me an unamused look and said, "I know you have sex. You've been married for nine years. Grow the fuck up, dumbass." FML
Today, my mom visited my new apartment for the first time. I was showing her the bedroom, when she looked into my opened sock drawer and said, "Using Durex, eh? Yeah, you were born 'cause a Trojan split." FML
Today, my dad sat me down for the sex talk, except it wasn't really a talk, but rather him making me watch a hardcore porn video with him as he commented on what the actors were doing. I had to listen to all this and ignore his obvious erection for almost an hour. FML
Today, my father pulled me aside as I was heading off to my girlfriend's house. He said, "Next time you have sex, don't leave the tied up condom in its wrapper inside your shorts pocket, otherwise your mother might find it again as she's folding laundry." FML
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Top comments
mea_iloveskiing 26
I'm sure he loves you :)
thief1434 23
The question is, what condoms did he recommend?
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Comments (91)
0ss 12
If he still raised you and cared for you then don't feel bad OP. I'm sure he wouldn't be sharing that story and laughing it off if he didn't love you.
skipper2009 18
It's true Durex does break more often than Trojan.
Likian5 26
But Trojan fails in the highway drive test compared to Durex.
Mirakledba 10
I'm a mistake...
puggypark 14
He's just playing around 2, wish I had a dad like him. My dad's sense of humor would be tripping me whenever I walk, lol.
FlawlessSin 5
Shit.... i used Durex today.
j_cat187 20
Bwahaha child support!
conqueror57 11
He isn't wrong about Durex. Thankfully these days there is Plan B. And I've never known a guy who didn't think Durex ran too small and tight. I've seen a few penises lose circulation to the snugness of Durex. Junk.
cryssycakesx3 23
you're not sexing right if you need plan b
Xotoolyxo 16
He only tells you this because he loves you (:
Likian5 26
How interesting, I've tested them myself and found that they're definitely stronger than most other brands, like Trojan.
Wonder_Woman257 11
OPs dad is kind of funny
dakid87 10
That's a great dad!