Today, my dad gave me the sex talk. After telling me all the stuff I already knew, he told me never to use Durex condoms. He said, "They break a lot. That's the only reason you're around today, really." then chuckled to himself. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, while having a serious talk with my father, he said, "Son, you're only alive because of a faulty, off-brand condom." FML
Today, I got the sex talk from my dad. It wouldn't have been so bad if he hadn't said, "It's not the size of the stick, it's how you use it." I'm a girl. FML
Today, I told my dad I was going to Walgreens and asked if he needed anything. He needed condoms, and that I should call him when I get there so he can explain the kind he likes. FML
Today, I mentioned to my dad (we have a close relationship) that my last condom had expired. Happy to buy me new ones for the sake of safe sex, he asked me "Do you need small, or extra small?" FML
Today, my dad gave me the dreaded sex talk, but he got sidetracked and started talking about how good my mum was in bed. FML
Today, my dad sat me down for the sex talk. Almost before he could open his mouth, my mother popped her head into the room and said, "Be realistic, Dan. Who would want to sleep with that?" FML
Today, my father came over to my house. I realized there were condoms on the table, so I subtly moved a vase to hide them. He then gave me an unamused look and said, "I know you have sex. You've been married for nine years. Grow the fuck up, dumbass." FML
Today, my mom visited my new apartment for the first time. I was showing her the bedroom, when she looked into my opened sock drawer and said, "Using Durex, eh? Yeah, you were born 'cause a Trojan split." FML
Today, my dad sat me down for the sex talk, except it wasn't really a talk, but rather him making me watch a hardcore porn video with him as he commented on what the actors were doing. I had to listen to all this and ignore his obvious erection for almost an hour. FML
Today, my father pulled me aside as I was heading off to my girlfriend's house. He said, "Next time you have sex, don't leave the tied up condom in its wrapper inside your shorts pocket, otherwise your mother might find it again as she's folding laundry." FML
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Top comments
mea_iloveskiing 26
I'm sure he loves you :)
thief1434 23
The question is, what condoms did he recommend?
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Comments (91)
ladybug110 6
Sorry OP. But look on the bright side! Now you know to never use Durex condoms. I'm sure he still loves you.
Vagitarian1 10
Sex is something you'll have to learn about through life experience. "The talk," is overrated.
Vagitarian1 10
Why so many negative votes? The talk is awkward, embarrassing for both parent and child and they usually don't connect. I've never known anyone who said their talk was anything but uncomfortable and pointless.
stargirl_95 24
I've gotten talks since I was 10 years old and I can honestly say that I was a hell of a lot more informed when it came to sex, different kinds of contraception, and what to do in an emergency than my friends who didn't get the talk. The talk is something that you have to have because for all you know your kid could be getting all their sex education from their friends (who will inevitably be extremely ignorant) or they could be at a school that teaches abstinence only (which isn't very helpful). There are too many risks involved to allow your child to learn about sex using trial and error and, to be honest, that's just irresponsible parenting.
DaggNabbit 8
Improper use is the most likely the cause of a condom breaking. Good for him for at least attempting to educate. Being direct can be more helpful than joking about it.
VeeFML 10
How is this an FML? There are heaps of people walking around today that are the result of a 'whoopsie'.
narycanary 4
Pretty sure that's how most of us were born.
octopussperm125 18
Indeed
infinitegrace 21
Lots if people were surprise miracles :) At least he is talking to you about that. That shows he cares in my opinion.
elmatador615 12
My parents never gave me the talk or anything, the school and society did that for me
VeeFML 10
I don't understand how this is such a bad thing. Your father obviously loves you and cares enough to have 'the talk' with you. Lots of people are walking around today because of a 'whoopsie'.
usernamepurp 8
Dude, that sucks. I'm so sorry
FML_Elle 17
This is how NOT to inform your child they were an accident.
cryssycakesx3 23
no.. "surprise"