Today, my dad gave me the sex talk. After telling me all the stuff I already knew, he told me never to use Durex condoms. He said, "They break a lot. That's the only reason you're around today, really." then chuckled to himself. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, while having a serious talk with my father, he said, "Son, you're only alive because of a faulty, off-brand condom." FML
Today, I got the sex talk from my dad. It wouldn't have been so bad if he hadn't said, "It's not the size of the stick, it's how you use it." I'm a girl. FML
Today, I told my dad I was going to Walgreens and asked if he needed anything. He needed condoms, and that I should call him when I get there so he can explain the kind he likes. FML
Today, I mentioned to my dad (we have a close relationship) that my last condom had expired. Happy to buy me new ones for the sake of safe sex, he asked me "Do you need small, or extra small?" FML
Today, my dad gave me the dreaded sex talk, but he got sidetracked and started talking about how good my mum was in bed. FML
Today, my dad sat me down for the sex talk. Almost before he could open his mouth, my mother popped her head into the room and said, "Be realistic, Dan. Who would want to sleep with that?" FML
Today, my father came over to my house. I realized there were condoms on the table, so I subtly moved a vase to hide them. He then gave me an unamused look and said, "I know you have sex. You've been married for nine years. Grow the fuck up, dumbass." FML
Today, my mom visited my new apartment for the first time. I was showing her the bedroom, when she looked into my opened sock drawer and said, "Using Durex, eh? Yeah, you were born 'cause a Trojan split." FML
Today, my dad sat me down for the sex talk, except it wasn't really a talk, but rather him making me watch a hardcore porn video with him as he commented on what the actors were doing. I had to listen to all this and ignore his obvious erection for almost an hour. FML
Today, my father pulled me aside as I was heading off to my girlfriend's house. He said, "Next time you have sex, don't leave the tied up condom in its wrapper inside your shorts pocket, otherwise your mother might find it again as she's folding laundry." FML
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Top comments
mea_iloveskiing 26
I'm sure he loves you :)
thief1434 23
The question is, what condoms did he recommend?
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Comments (91)
DurexSux 5
He's not wrong :p
skyeyez9 25
Well, you are alive and here. He and your mom loved you enough to bring you into this world and not abort you. I was conceived at a party with lots of alcohol and debauchery involved or so I was told. So I was an "oops" baby as well. Not a big deal.
sporkadork 7
Its ok, I was an accident, as was my brother. My sister was the only one who was planned. They wanted three kids, just slightly different timing. I think a lot more people are "surprises" than they realize.
gennyv 29
Funny how he told you on Valentine's Day ;)
LalaDee561 8
It's OK OP. I was a mistake too. I came five years earlier than what my mom wanted, so don't feel bad. That's ****** up though.
worldclassrager 41
Maybe he used that so that you could be around? Don't worry about it...at least you weren't aborted...
Robert1989 9
well at least we know your mon dont swollow.
havok87 11
Durex do suck.
Cadillac4427 8
Magnum is the way to go dear.. and they feel great.- Should it feel creepy? A grown woman telling this to teenager who essentially might be under 18? Where is Doc Bastard when you need him for advice ?
telli164 30
At least now you know not to use Durex!