Today, my dad gave me the sex talk. After telling me all the stuff I already knew, he told me never to use Durex condoms. He said, "They break a lot. That's the only reason you're around today, really." then chuckled to himself. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, while having a serious talk with my father, he said, "Son, you're only alive because of a faulty, off-brand condom." FML
Today, I got the sex talk from my dad. It wouldn't have been so bad if he hadn't said, "It's not the size of the stick, it's how you use it." I'm a girl. FML
Today, I told my dad I was going to Walgreens and asked if he needed anything. He needed condoms, and that I should call him when I get there so he can explain the kind he likes. FML
Today, I mentioned to my dad (we have a close relationship) that my last condom had expired. Happy to buy me new ones for the sake of safe sex, he asked me "Do you need small, or extra small?" FML
Today, my dad gave me the dreaded sex talk, but he got sidetracked and started talking about how good my mum was in bed. FML
Today, my dad sat me down for the sex talk. Almost before he could open his mouth, my mother popped her head into the room and said, "Be realistic, Dan. Who would want to sleep with that?" FML
Today, my father came over to my house. I realized there were condoms on the table, so I subtly moved a vase to hide them. He then gave me an unamused look and said, "I know you have sex. You've been married for nine years. Grow the fuck up, dumbass." FML
Today, my mom visited my new apartment for the first time. I was showing her the bedroom, when she looked into my opened sock drawer and said, "Using Durex, eh? Yeah, you were born 'cause a Trojan split." FML
Today, my dad sat me down for the sex talk, except it wasn't really a talk, but rather him making me watch a hardcore porn video with him as he commented on what the actors were doing. I had to listen to all this and ignore his obvious erection for almost an hour. FML
Today, my father pulled me aside as I was heading off to my girlfriend's house. He said, "Next time you have sex, don't leave the tied up condom in its wrapper inside your shorts pocket, otherwise your mother might find it again as she's folding laundry." FML
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Top comments
mea_iloveskiing 26
I'm sure he loves you :)
thief1434 23
The question is, what condoms did he recommend?
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Comments (91)
mea_iloveskiing 26
I'm sure he loves you :)
leary96 15
Why do you look like a young Miley Cyrus.
fmlxxsb 6
shmerrr
adrianh1090 12
Let's just say he was a fast swimmer lol.
Morqan_Freeman 14
Plot twist: I am the father.
Bilbo_Swaggins 5
I would agree considering they didnt get an aboration, put you up for adoption etc.
kristabelli 19
This may be one of the best FMLs ever. xD
buttcramp 21
yeah I agree. your dad loves you, OP! He decided to talk to you about sex, which isn't a comfortable thing to discuss with your kids. He cares enough that he wanted you to be informed (even though you were already) and I think that says a lot! Still, it sucks what he said but maybe he was just telling you that to make it "real" like, what you do now can change your life forever. If he really didn't want you, he wouldn't have been around for this conversation to even take place.
mnwlf13 3
Don't let his comment rip you two apart. Be stronger then durex.
ReeceThePiece69 6
Truth hurts OP
Keattles 14
Why? His dad is awesome! Has a great sense of humor! And I am sure he loves him! ^^
doodlecloud 27
I really don't understand why people get so upset about 'not being planned'. Some people DO plan a baby and then still end up hating or regretting it, others don't plan but are overjoyed when they find out they're pregnant. Whether you're planned or not really doesn't matter in the slightest, it's what your parents did with the news and how they looked after you since that's important.
thief1434 23
The question is, what condoms did he recommend?
happylappy 21
That's weird. In sex ed they told is Trojan was the worst and durex and lifestyle were the best.
Enslaved 38
I always worried about using the Rameses brand. Do you really want to use a condom named after a pharaoh that "fathered" over 160 kids? On a side note: IMO Durex are actually a good brand. Maybe they've improved over the years since the OP's conception?
letmehavemytea 21
I think Trojan condoms are still pretty good? Then again it probably depends on the different kinds of condoms the brands carry.
junkman6 22
The new tire smell of durex condoms has always bothered me. Just from personal experience, the military hands out durex condoms and they break all the damn time. Just go buy some Trojans that actually stretch a bit before they tear in half.
j_cat187 20
Wrap your willy in fiberglass sheet coated in epoxy resin.
arandomusernameaa 20
@62: and hey presto... you have a condom that won't break and the guy won't want sex as much ! (because he can't feel it)
thief1434 23
Why is not wanting sex a particularly good thing?
JMichael 26
Naked condoms. It feels like nothing's there.
SokDek 14
Trojans smell bad.. use either skyn or magnums.
jmcr 27
Idk personally i think SKYN or lifestyle are better
junkman6 22
#79 magnums are Trojans...
thief1434 23
It's funny 'cause I have no idea what the hell you're even talking about xD. I just recognize Trojans.
sonictardis 8
found the virgin
Trin_Tran 26
... I mean how many of us are here because of that ? You're here so I'm sure he loves you OP
Davids9199 14
Well now you know not to use them right?
xElitexGamer 5
Well he never said it was a bad thing
Sodapop40 21
Is this the dad who threw the box of condoms at his kid? Maybe he decided to take a different approach
WaterBui 9
Well at least he told you ya know; better than having an unplanned child (if the brand is that bad)
CallMeMcFeelii 14
Durex was always my "last minute" choice. Mainly because gas stations sell them for like 75 cents. Glow in the dark and flavored! That brand saved my nights quite a few times. But we all know Trojan is the way to go.
ZY1431 24
well at least he's being honest in giving advice
Dunmerdude 13
Tell him "Don't worry dad, I shouldn't have a problem. I wear XL, not XS like you"
sunshine41196 12
this doesnt even make sense! the fml is about the company not the size.... everything doesnot need to end with whose dick is bigger