Today, my dad came to pick me up early for the Christmas break. He walked in on me cleaning all 19 of my sex toys. That's more than one sex toy per year that I've lived. I now have to face a 7-hour drive from Montreal to Toronto with him. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, my dad was helping me move my stuff out. I'd asked my boyfriend to deal with my sex toys and lingerie, but still my dad showed up later at my new place, handed me a box full of them all, and simply said, "I don't want to know." FML
Today, I’m walking around the streets with my stuff in a rolling suitcase. My mom saw fit to kick me out of the house because she found sextoys in my room. FML
Today, my mom cleaned up my room. I had a drawer filled with condoms, 2 vibrators, and a bondage kit. She organized the condoms and vibrators in a shoe box. FML
Today, I found that my (well-meaning and very kind) Dad cleaned up under my bed after a little mold problem. The problem? He cleaned up a few empty THC gummy containers and saw my dildo. And I thought living at home at uni was a good idea… FML
Today, my dad surprised me by moving my bed (involving disassembling and reassembling it) in my new room, because I couldn't find how I wanted to set it up. He also took care of putting back my vibrator between the mattress and the base, where it was hidden. FML
Today, my mother found my sex toys. To make me "feel better" she showed me hers. FML
Today, I found out my mother has enough toys to open a sex shop. FML
Today, I left my parents house to drive 90 minutes back to college. As I was getting off the exit for my school, I realized I left my bright pink vibrator sitting on my dresser back at home. FML
Today, I got home from my 6-week vacation. Apparently, my mum cleaned my room for me while I was gone because my vibrator was neatly tucked into my blanket, next to my pillow instead of being hidden under my bed. FML
Today, as my dad was handing me my Christmas gift, he pats me on the shoulder and says, "These were mine, hope you enjoy them as much as I did." Thinking it was something special of his he wanted to hand down to me, I quickly unwrapped the box only to find old 70's porn. Merry Christmas? FML
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Top comments
perdix 31
Algebra fail! The problem is stated as an inequality. (Number of sex toys) > 1 x age Therefore, the OP must be 18 or younger.
ollie179 21
Well at least you weren't using them.
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Comments (326)
rexgar2000 10
that's some kinky shit. That many toys? what do you do? O.O
firemanbjr 1
And what did you learn from this? Always lock your doors.
ruusk 6
Tenner bet you weigh as many in stones as you have in sex toys! (for non UK peeps 1 stone equals 14 pounds)
VaanBasch 1
That's a heavy stone.
perdix 31
If that's the case, I'll bet that she has them daisy-chained on a long tether. Otherwise, some could go missing in her rolls and pop out at inopportune moments.
ruusk 6
I like the way you think, you also had her best interests at heart not wanting her to have more FML's haha
jmelsha11 11
???
keepingitnasty 15
I'm sure your pops has seen a ***** before, if you don't bring it up on the car ride, I doubt he will. Kudos on the collection sweethart.
Pentium_4 27
that must be harder for your dad than you
deviable 9
"harder" eh? I apologize. Just take me out back and shoot me now.
doonerz 0
*gets gun* let's go.
ShroomsOnAcid 17
Can I have the body?
deviable 9
Why on earth would you need so many sex toys? If you're looking for variety I could maybe see 5 or so, but 19??
Steve95401 49
There must be at least one or two guys around her college that OP could use in place of her toys. I'm sure a lot of guys would volunteer for that duty.
ProhibitionRose 14
Queue the creepy old man comments -_-
IndigoAcrylic 9
Welllll they do come on an array of colours shapes, styles, textures and sizes...Just like shoes! ;D So yaa I can see why people collect them ^_^ I LOVE SHOES BY THE WAYYY ;D
Shrike 24
^ You high, trolling, or just plain stupid?
CryMoreFMLs 15
I'm all three. Umad, bro?
WavinFlag 3
i dislike people who say "umad bro"
docscientist 10
Truly an FML, for all parties involved.
Steve95401 49
I wonder if OP's roommate knew about her collection.
jobsman99 0
Now your Dad knows to buy you batteries for Christmas. Nice collection. My wife and ind I have many sex toys, they spice things up.
Enslaved 38
Should have cleaned them as you used them....unless you did? Than damn!
meirasanya 10
Why were you cleaning them all at once? Surely you just use one and clean it straight after. So either you're gross or you were using all 19 just beforehand.