Today, my dad came to pick me up early for the Christmas break. He walked in on me cleaning all 19 of my sex toys. That's more than one sex toy per year that I've lived. I now have to face a 7-hour drive from Montreal to Toronto with him. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, my dad was helping me move my stuff out. I'd asked my boyfriend to deal with my sex toys and lingerie, but still my dad showed up later at my new place, handed me a box full of them all, and simply said, "I don't want to know." FML
Today, I’m walking around the streets with my stuff in a rolling suitcase. My mom saw fit to kick me out of the house because she found sextoys in my room. FML
Today, my mom cleaned up my room. I had a drawer filled with condoms, 2 vibrators, and a bondage kit. She organized the condoms and vibrators in a shoe box. FML
Today, I found that my (well-meaning and very kind) Dad cleaned up under my bed after a little mold problem. The problem? He cleaned up a few empty THC gummy containers and saw my dildo. And I thought living at home at uni was a good idea… FML
Today, my dad surprised me by moving my bed (involving disassembling and reassembling it) in my new room, because I couldn't find how I wanted to set it up. He also took care of putting back my vibrator between the mattress and the base, where it was hidden. FML
Today, my mother found my sex toys. To make me "feel better" she showed me hers. FML
Today, I found out my mother has enough toys to open a sex shop. FML
Today, I left my parents house to drive 90 minutes back to college. As I was getting off the exit for my school, I realized I left my bright pink vibrator sitting on my dresser back at home. FML
Today, I got home from my 6-week vacation. Apparently, my mum cleaned my room for me while I was gone because my vibrator was neatly tucked into my blanket, next to my pillow instead of being hidden under my bed. FML
Today, as my dad was handing me my Christmas gift, he pats me on the shoulder and says, "These were mine, hope you enjoy them as much as I did." Thinking it was something special of his he wanted to hand down to me, I quickly unwrapped the box only to find old 70's porn. Merry Christmas? FML
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Top comments
perdix 31
Algebra fail! The problem is stated as an inequality. (Number of sex toys) > 1 x age Therefore, the OP must be 18 or younger.
ollie179 21
Well at least you weren't using them.
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Comments (326)
ohmandapants 17
Toronto? Girl you should have stayed in Montreal! ;-) I'm kidding. Kind of... Anyway FYL. why was he able to just walk in like that? I don't know where you were, but it seems to me you should have been living somewhere with doors...unless he has a key? Where the hell were you cleaning these sex toys?!
ShroomsOnAcid 17
Exactly what I was thinking. Was she sitting out on her front porch or something?
DocBastard 40
My question is, what do you clean them with? Soap and water? Bleach wipes? Or is there some special Dildomatic Wipes out there? Vibrator Magic, now with Foaming Action© to get those hard-to-reach places!
SwtCherryPie 26
lol you are obviously a male.... there are some toys that come with their own cleaner or you can buy cleaner that wont screw up the toys
IndigoAcrylic 9
Thanks for the handy-dandy info, brahhh! ;D xD JK!
RedPillSucks 33
He was asking a question and speculating on a possible answer. Dildomatic would be the humorous version of the cleanser in question.
hawaiianfire 0
27, how does having 19 sex toys give you herpes?
iamray 2
If he brings it up say "you wash your hands but I dont mention it"
jlh2283 1
that's extremely excessive especially for someone your age. i don't even understand how you could afford that many delights.
desireev 18
Wow! That's not stereotypical at all! It shouldn't matter what age you are. (as long as you're legal to buy the toys) If the girl wants some toys, let her have some damn toys! And that's just rude to bring up the amount of money she uses to buy the toys! Talking about anybody's income is just plain rude! Use some manners!!
kaykay20 0
The prices range from a few dollars to near $100 or more so anyone can afford them. It's understandable that she has that many if she replaces and never throws old ones away after 6 months (how long a sex toys usually lasts and needs replaced). A bit odd that she cleans them all at once since those toys are suppose to be cleaned right after use and before.
evig_fml 16
105 annoys me still
SugarBabyAngel 5
just get a man... then you wont need that many sex toys ;)
SwtCherryPie 26
Not necessarily. Maybe her man isnt pleasing her. Or maybe they cant be intimate as much as she'd like. Or maybe (like my hubby and I) he uses the toys on her as part of foreplay. Or maybe she is saving herself for the right guy/marriage before she does anything that far with someone and wants something to help her out till that time comes.
moninbg 8
Or maybe she's a lesbian. As long as we are listing viable options...
disney_blonde 16
Why on earth would you need to clean all of them at once?! You're supposed to clean them as you use them so they don't grow bacteria....unless you just used all 19...
rogue2888 4
If she had a real man she wouldn't need toys!!!
spencerbalog 0
You know you're forever alone when you can collect sex toys.
insane451 4
Not true my wife and I have about 10 and we enjoy them together
RedPillSucks 33
BBW? Big Bottom Woman?
insane451 4
Don't be ashamed I'm sure your dad has used sex toys with your mom. There is nothing wrong with sex toys. Just tell him that's part of your private life
RedPillSucks 33
Unless he starts reminiscing, then it becomes both of your private lives... *I remember when me and the missus used old "Steely Dan" there. Yes, that one that looks like the cone-heads*
topie_fml 6
I like to think that she was giving them a final clean before she went away. You know to make sure that they stay clean. Anyways what you should've done is toss one to your dad and have a ***** lightsaber fight or something. I mean **** you are already screwed might as well go for broke and see if you could bullshit your way out of it.