Today, my boyfriend again accused me of cheating on him. This time, it was because I delayed replying to his text message so I could feed my pet. Apparently I'm fucking my pet toad now. Jesus. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, my boyfriend heard me confessing my undying love to someone while we were skyping. He's now convinced that I was talking to some other guy and had forgotten to mute my phone. I was talking to my cat. FML
Today, my cheating, psycho asscricket of an ex texted me and asked me back out. I said no, and didn't think any more of it, at least until an hour later, when I looked out my window, only to see him smearing a bag of dog crap all over my porch. FML
Today, my boyfriend got mad at me because I refused to keep him company while he took a shit. FML
Today, my boyfriend accused me of making an FML about him. I let him know that if I were going to make an FML, it would be about how he doesn’t flush the toilet after he uses it. He responded by not flushing the toilet again this morning. FML
Today, I cheated at card games to let my boyfriend win. I did it because I don't like him to throw the cards at me when I win. Now he just thinks I'm "so slow a turtle could kick my ass" and that he has "a cute little bubbly spud-brained girlfriend." FML
Today, my boyfriend is seriously mad at me for telling his cat what he got it for Christmas. FML
Today, I confronted my boyfriend because I suspected he had been cheating. His reply? "Took you long enough to figure it out." FML
Today, my boyfriend became convinced that I cheated on him, and broke up with me, saying he would "get me back." When I came home, I found his key on my counter and my cat missing. FML
Today, I sent my boyfriend a sweet text message, since he recently complained that I'm rarely romantic. Instead of being happy, he decided that since it's so out of character for me, I must be cheating on him and must have only sent it out of guilt. FML
Today, my girlfriend accused me of cheating, all because I don't text her throughout the day. Last week she told me she would get fired if she was caught reading texts at work, and to stop texting her during her work hours. FML
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Top comments
beezerbnt00 4
Pretty sure that's illegal....
Rodders_SOTC 1
It will only get worse, get rid.
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Comments (187)
Turtle_rebellion 10
Jesus indeed...
tylermt1999 17
How do you even **** a toad?
Zachthejoker 10
That was my first thought! That's not even possible, right?
kroekdog 7
Well.... Long tongue....
matt98_fml 13
*shutter*
matt98_fml 13
*shutter*
Wreckless_fml 6
Challenge accepted.
jessimica642 8
13 if you really want to know go on You Tube and look up "monkey rapes frog" but beware its something I wish I'd never seen!
zandalee 20
13- wrap it in plastic cling film (glad-wrap) first
borkchop1992 15
Have you taken up ***********?
borkchop1992 15
I have but sadly my english teachers do not teach us about ******* animals so that has nothing to do with it.
klovely22 13
Actually 26, it can be spelled both ways. 16's way is the slang version of the word. Same meaning.
melrose90210 10
You can never be to careful..
slurshies 11
*too
perdix 31
You named you pet toad Jesus? Wait, . . . that's a period, not a comma. Never mind. Note to self: Wipe down your screen more often.
whosindahouse 9
Jesus man.
adorablecanuck 4
what exactly is on your computer screen?! no, wait, i dont want to know.
perdix 31
#141, relax, it's just dust that make periods look like commas.
zandalee 20
Yeah sure... You are rather well known for your dirty mind.
deadxwedding84 5
*********** can be quite dangerous, but probably a better bargain than your paranoid boyfriend.
br0ccoli 15
Good for you for realizing his need for a lobotomy. I bet tonight, he will accuse his right hand of cheating on him with his left.
deadxwedding84 5
"the right hand does not know what the left is doing." lol
Bluekaren16 19
A lobotomy will leave him emotionless. And very few doctors around the world perform this dangerous procedure.
tisvana20 6
Maybe in science fiction. Lobotomies are just removing lobes, I've seen them referred to when removing a section of the lungs or liver because of cancer. [If they aren't, then I blame my old Pathologist friend.] They are also an extreme treatment for epilepsy, but it's a different name because it's removing half the brain. Also, apologies if you were being sarcastic.
AznSamoan52 10
Geez. Your boyfriend is really clingy. But, the most important question is, how do you even have sex with a toad?
SqueakyChipmunk 22
If you kiss a toad, it turns into a prince. What happens when you **** it?
sheethapins 13
It turns into perdix.
SqueakyChipmunk 22
I love you so much right now.
sheethapins 13
Just a natural reaction. ;)
FatGuyLover 0
You know what? I think op's bf is right, toads are really seductive now a days, you should See the way they eye me down when they see me