Today, I realized just how messed up my life is, thanks to all the scare stories my wife sees on Dr Phil. She's now convinced that I'll start beating her someday. She's started taking martial arts classes, and threatens to use her skills every time I get even slightly frustrated with her. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, I had a dream in which I was being mugged. I started fighting the muggers off, while in reality, my fist smacked my wife in the face. Now she has a black eye, nobody believes my story, and they think I'm a wife beater. FML
Today, I came home in an awful mood, and grumbled to my wife that sometimes I want to strangle my boss. My wife regularly screams up and down the house over the most minor shit, but apparently this upset her so much that she took the kids to her mom's, and is demanding I get anger management. FML
Today, I paid my daughter a surprise visit, only to see her husband beating her. I charged in and slammed him into the wall. She screamed at me to stop. They'd recently gotten into martial arts and were sparring, and now he's got a broken arm. FML
Today, I realized how toxic and controlling my wife is. She left to go on a vacation, and I'm so used to her micromanaging everything I do that I'm completely unable to function. I tried to play a video game and had a panic attack because I imagined her walking in and screaming at me. FML
Today, my wife is mad at me because she’s had to stop seeing her closest friend because of me. Why? Because her friend is stalking me, keeps asking me to divorce my wife, and has even broken in and stolen my stuff, forcing me to involve the police several times, and somehow this is all my fault. FML
Today, my girlfriend accused me of being insecure and feeling threatened by the fact that she has a daughter from a previous relationship. She's vaguely right; I feel threatened, but mainly because the psycho keeps threatening to stab me to death when her mom isn't around to hear. FML
Today, my wife has a bruise on her cheek from a nasty trip while practicing her yoga. She now thinks it's hilarious to flinch in public when I get near her, and keeps telling people she "walked into a door". I've gotten more dirty looks than I can count. FML
Today, I was savagely beating my wife on Call of Duty, since she demanded that I play normally and not hold back. 15 minutes later, she was raging at me, calling me a bastard and saying she wished we'd never married. FML
Today, I found out that my wife is seeing a marriage counselor. With her ex. FML
Today, at a family dinner, my mother-in-law talked me into showing off some moves that I've learned in martial arts. I gently did a restraining hold on her. She screamed that I was trying to break her wrists, and kept the wounded act up all night, smirking as everyone gave me death glares. FML
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Top comments
Welshite 40
A relationship is built on trust. You definitely need to address this issue with her.
beezerbnt00 4
Bitches be crazy
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Comments (192)
Welshite 40
A relationship is built on trust. You definitely need to address this issue with her.
TBelle4Ever 15
Preach it to the choir #1!
momolee 4
I wouldn't trust someone who doesn't trust me. I suggest you wear a something to protect you member just in case. You might piss her off in that time of the month then she might decide to use what she practiced.
bjf10 22
Yeah, time for some counseling.
buck33 14
50 - So what should OP wear? Chain mail? Hockey goalie equipment? Maybe he could also carry some nunchuks.
doctorhook86 25
OP: Your wife is an idiot. You should unplug her from the TV so that she'll stop being constantly exposed to a media-fantasy world where everyone is out to get her.
TheDrudgeChild 4
The sad irony is that she went crazy thinking OP could be abusive, and now she seems to be getting abusive with him. :(
OHai15 12
And Dr.Phil was supposed to "help" and "repair" relationships......
outoftown 27
#115, Ooops. May explain why he "retired" and gave up his licence to practice psychology. His show is "entertainment," not therapy.
Ajwc101 24
Watch this get on Dr. Phil.
AKGirlinSD 20
I'm with 1. You need to have a serious talk with your wife because this relationship is doomed.
Daederoth 10
You're a man. She is a women. Martial arts or not you shouldn't be afraid of her.
ellie121 4
She shouldn't be afraid of him. Maybe he has been doing stuff to legitimately worry her. There are alarming statistics about men hitting women. She shouldn't through it in his face all the time but he should do something to put her at ease.
MerrikBarbarian 9
161- and you apparently know jack all about martial arts. Size and gender make no difference. I've watched and 85lb grandpa throw a 260lb linebacker using martial arts. I'm trained in assorted forms myself and have dropped two attackers- both 6 foot men, against 5 foot female me. So yeah... Respect what combat training can do and stop being sexist.
beezerbnt00 4
Bitches be crazy
nannywan22 8
The only "b" word you should be calling any woman is "beautiful". But yes. It seems she has gone a bit crazy.
RAWRitsangell 4
Yes, Bitches love being called beautiful. ;)
kitkat2014 6
Yes, bitches love being called beautiful ;)
kitkat2014 6
HA! Sorry 18!! We posted that at the same time xD
missyj0 12
some women are bitches, get over it.
nannywan22 8
Haha ok ok
nannywan22 8
Haha ok ok
domking1315 20
Thats actually kinda cool that 19 and 20 posted the exact same thing at the exact same time (with the exception of a period)
Enslaved 38
20 missed her period? You know what that means? :O
b00ms 1
Nah nah. Bitches be trippin
LilHitla 15
#9 youre probably a fake ass bitch too
courtneybro 0
This made me laugh really hard..
onlychildFTW 34
Apparently Dr. Phil can also ruin a good marriage too.
astoryofroses 9
That ironic moment when you bring up a story to Dr. Phil about how his show is fueling his next episode...
Axipiter 24
It's how he stays in business!
Rodders_SOTC 1
Take classes with her, stay one class ahead and you will be able to beat her up, don't worry '-)
TheFuckerofShit 16
Men should never ever beat up a woman, man.
hutch66 13
I agree, unless she is about to kick the shit out of you. If it self defense, anyone is fair game.
Mikeskinner 7
**** that, if a woman hits me with no probable cause, three times I will retaliate.
lexi365 20
#36, Martial arts is generally self defense though.
zinoxity 23
Depends on the martial art.
emilyjgraham 34
isn't there some sort of rule that you're not allowed to use the arts unless you're in a serious situation and you've warned them at least three times? I'm sure I heard that somewhere... plus, she can just take simple self defense classes, martial arts sometimes take a long time to grasp.
emilyjgraham 34
obviously not saying op will hurt her, he should take some too, she sounds like she might lash out sometime!
DontClickOnMe 28
97 - Yes, but that rule only applies if you are a black belt.
emilyjgraham 34
ah right, that might take a while for ops wife... thanks for clearing it up :)
TheDrudgeChild 4
How about no one of EITHER GENDER should beat their spouse? It's wrong either way.
trismagestus 19
97: Legally? No, there is no such thing as the claim 'my hands are legally lethal weapons, man!' 101: A black belt? In which style? Most styles of karate the black belt can be gained in a year - nothing major. Also most styles don't use a coloured belt system in any case. All in all, where do you guys get your information about martial arts from? :/
Zomg_Okay 27
I don't know about you guys but if a someone tries to attack me I'm not going to inform him of my biggest advantage. If there's one thing I've learned doing karate, it's that you stay alert and take every advantage. This bullshit about saying "I do karate" is throwing one of your advantages away, willingly. 113 - Are you sure about the black belt in a year thing? From what I've seen most people are only beginning to get the hang of it in a year, never mind being at black belt standard.
Drigr 9
I don't know if the whole "only in self defense" thing is generic for martial arts. I bet different areas of origin have different codes they follow. As someone already pointed out, they've learned to take every advantage they can get. In ninjitsu, I believe surprise is everything, including getting your opponent without any warning. However, there are some forms (can't remember the name) that rely solely on being self defensive moves, the one I'm thinking of is where they will take a punch, lunge, or kick, grab the limb, and use your force and momentum, redirect it, and land you flat on your ass.
JRLovecraft 6
That is the lamest rule ever. If I hit a guy, even once, I would expect to be hit back. Not this "3 is the magic number" bullshit.
leilaostara 1
The while point in the FML was that he didn't want to beat her up...
BenL97 5
113, a pro boxer for example can be held more accountable for his actions if he assaulted an individual because the court likely would rule his hands lethal weapons.
JFurr 9
Thank you 134. If a guy hit a girl once, no one would think twice about her fighting back. It should be the same both ways. Women are equals in today's society and should be held to the same standards. Hitting someone any number of times is wrong no matter your age or gender.
emilyjgraham 34
153 understood me, that's what I've heard anyway. I don't do any martial arts (obviously) and I'd heard that from someone who does tae kwon do.
dead247 13
Op needs to pick up Muay Thai. Everyone needs a shin to the head every now and then?
emilyjgraham 34
I didn't mean she'd have to wait until he'd hit her three times, or anyone hit her three times. I meant if she was being followed and it was clear they were going to attack if she has a martial arts skill that gives her extreme advantage I thought they had to warn them. that's what I'd heard. I completely agree if a woman or a man hits the other both have to right to defend themselves.
Zomg_Okay 27
180 - I don't know if it's a law or not but frankly, I don't care. If I'm sure someone is about to attack me I'm not going to tell them I do karate. That would be like getting a fantastic hand in a game of poker and deciding to show that hand to the whole table.
Mooish 18
It would be wise to take classes yourself if she decides to hurt you.
1PaulyD 9
Yea
RAUHWeltBegriff 9
I'm Rex, founder of the Rex Kwan Do self-defense system! After one week with me in my dojo, you'll be prepared to defend yourself with the STRENGTH of a grizzly, the reflexes of a PUMA, and the wisdom of a man.
SHAMUS_the_WITTY 18
25, Napoleon Dynamite is the best movie in existance.
MURIKKA 11
Soon OP and his wife will be so highly trained that it'll be like Mr and Mrs Smith
MrJaysGrrl 1
It takes many years and a TON of dedication to become truely effective with martial arts. more often then most it gives people a false sense of security and they'll likely hurt themselves before they hurt someone else. And if she's in tae kwon do then u def. Don't have to worry OP, its a joke anywa
RAUHWeltBegriff 9
43, definitely a movie that was far above expectations
killdozer1 2
This will certainly get bad votes, but martial arts classes are almost as fake as pro wrestling. They pose no challenge and push no limits, and they rarely ar more than a few hours a week. There's a reason why ninjas devoted their entire lives to fighting...
perdix 31
It takes many years of learning to use martial arts to really be effective. Therefore, you need to start beating her right away, while you have the chance!
chowE_fml 4
Sdjk
KiddNYC1O 22
Gold. Lol.
Enslaved 38
Correct me if I'm wrong, but aren't you the guy that gets mad whenever someone compliments one of perdix's comments?
KiddNYC1O 22
Lol. Yes but I can't even remember the last time I did. Come to think of it, it's pure disagreement not anger. I've done so in the past when he was plexico and I've also grown past it. And if you're referring to the "kiss-ass" comments, that's just banter.
Enslaved 38
Oh okay. I wasn't trying to be a bitch about it. I was only pointing it out in good fun. I like to amuse myself.:P plexico days? Damn you have been on FML awhile. ^.^
KiddNYC1O 22
Yeah, you just put me on blast lol. But it's okay. Yes, I'm an old fart on here =P.
RK1558 6
Very good advice I see here as OP will either be in jail or divorced. Either way the orignal problem is solved.
leilaostara 1
Please don't thumb me down for this, but I really don't like perdix.
Hiimhaileypotter 53
Dr. Phil pisses me off. I really can't honestly say why, I just can't watch his show.
tcook912 9
It's because he's a pompous asshole.
Psych101 9
Weird... that's the second time today I've seen two people post the almost the exact same comment at the same time. Either great minds think alike, or... Shit. Someone's controlling our brains. Everybody, tinfoil hats on now!
outoftown 27
Call it the "Dr. Phil effect." Maybe just reading about the show's effects is mind-bending. Arrrghhhh... gotta get out of this!
iseyixes 18
Might want to take some classes also just in case so you can defend yourself without hurting her.
Ohreo 2
Like waterbending???
iseyixes 18
73- to be correct, air bending would be the equivalent to what I'm talking about. :)
KVKdragon 26
The real life martial art for airbending is ba gua or baguazhang :)
kitkat2014 6
I'd take it easy OP! One wrong move and you may lose your member ;)
syki 22
People actually say 'member'?
matt98_fml 13
Tv is starting to **** people up.
SqueakyChipmunk 22
Starting!?
Xaune 9
I tried replying to this earlier with EXACTLY that question. Dr. Phil ranks up there with another tv "Dr." Dr. Oz, turning women into hypochondriacs since Oprah had her show.
matt98_fml 13
140- Haha yes it's starting too. Except for Big Brother. No one messes with my Big Brother. 141- True, and they always repeat the same crap over and over. I wonder why they get so many views.