Today, my cheating, psycho asscricket of an ex texted me and asked me back out. I said no, and didn't think any more of it, at least until an hour later, when I looked out my window, only to see him smearing a bag of dog crap all over my porch. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I heard noises outside my front door. I looked out through the window, only to see my boyfriend encouraging his dog to take a dump on my welcome mat. FML
Today, I got a phone call from my cheating ex, asking if I would go out with him tonight. After 3 years of no contact, I decided to give him another chance and gave him my address for his GPS. I was then told that I lived too far and he didn't want to drive. He cancelled. I live 15 minutes away. FML
Today, after two months of being broken up, and my ex still insisting she hadn't been cheating on me, I declared via text my intention to burn the rest of her stuff in the yard. This resulted in the guy she "hadn't been cheating on me with" kicking in my door. FML
Today, I found out that the threatening and insulting messages I received from my boyfriend's "stalker ex" were actually sent by him. Why? Because he cheated and he didn't want to admit it. I'm dating a psycho. FML
Today, my boyfriend again accused me of cheating on him. This time, it was because I delayed replying to his text message so I could feed my pet. Apparently I'm fucking my pet toad now. Jesus. FML
Today, my boyfriend came to visit me. He told me he was cheating on me, and that he wanted to break up. I was so angry that as he left, I started screaming at him out of my second story apartment window. I picked up a huge potted plant and shoved it through the window at him. It missed my ex and hit my car. FML
Today, I ran into my shitlord of an ex at the store. He took one look at me, yelled, "You cheating bitch!" in a wounded voice, then walked away, fake-crying. I got so many dirty looks. The worst part is that I dumped him last month for cheating on me with my "best friend." FML
Today, I was walking towards a party where I knew my cheating ex would be. I passionately rehearsed how I would have a go at him big time when I met him. Guess who was walking right behind me and heard it all. FML
Today, my fiancé accused me of cheating and broke up with me. I texted his best friend, who I've never talked to before, to see if he could talk some sense into my ex. Turns out he has several fiancées and was cheating on me since day one. FML
Today, I took my dog for a walk. He started crapping on someone's lawn, then I noticed that the owner was outside and giving me a death stare. Not knowing what to do, I picked up the crap with my bare hands. The man started laughing at me. FML
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Top comments
bengermin 5
Props on introducing "asscricket" to the vernacular, though!
MelissaRoo2 6
You should smear it on his car.
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Comments (155)
FitForFun 11
Sounds like a very crappy time.
hutch66 13
Asscricket? What does that even mean?
xXUND3ADcityXx 0
That was a shitty joke -.-
GodPart2 20
You should have taken a photo / video of him doing that and gone to the police with a complaint of trespassing!
BunchieRules 31
27 - Or vandalism. Or if OP saw this as a threat, maybe even assault. That could work as well.
ALpein 0
When I see poop outside, I immideately call the police for assult.
ImmaB3AST 7
May you enlighten me on what an assult is? I'm not familiar with that term.
TourettesGuyFTW 26
37, an assult is an assault where the ass is used as the primary weapon. In this case, its contents. Smeared. Yuck.
_Oblivion_ 12
lol asscricket
BunchieRules 31
34 - Well, when you put it that way... what I meant was, if the boyfriend's crazy enough to do that, who knows what's next?
Pogox 5
I saw a dog being arrested for assault once, after ******** on someone's porch...
Synistiel 14
37- May you enlighten me on what a B3AST is? I'm not familiar with that term.
DynamicDave 11
I have no idea what the hell an asscricket is, but it's my new favorite insult. Provided I can say it with a straight face.
zander4310 5
not punny
MelissaRoo2 6
You should smear it on his car.
alphaskater09 9
Don't smear shit on his car OP. Be mature about it and clean it up. If he does anything like that again take a picture. Im not exactly sure if you can call the cops on him but I would assume you could because that is technically vandalism.
nevershoutkendal_fml 11
It's dog poop. And unless OP is dating a dog, I doubt the DNA is his.
SS 31
#78 They would already know where he lives because OP would know, so it would be easy to catch him.
alphaskater09 9
Thanks for the thumbs down. Not exactly sure what I said to deserve that but ok.
Slender_Man 6
45- this is fml. No one on here is mature.
Addyy_ 5
97 - Never comment asking why you got thumbed down, you'll just get thumbed down again.
zandalee 20
I am actually concerned about OP's ex. He sounds psychotic, possessive and unhinged! I recommend getting a big male, friend/family member to threaten him with violence if he doesn't stay the **** away from OP. Today dogshit, tomorrow full time stalker..?
skyeyez9 25
I hope you called the cops on him instead of just watching him finger paint with shit and leave. Too bad it isn't legal to slam a baseball bat to his knees.
aro2471 0
Technically it is. It would be considered trespassing so they can attack him
TazInYourPantz 13
I believe that's in America, no?
gracehi 33
Yes, in most states in America you can use deadly force against anyone who trespasses into your home. Not sure if it would apply here though since the asscricket was just on the property and not actually in her house. It would really depend on what state this took place. Then again, I don't know where this took place since I can't see it on my app. For all I know, this could have happened outside the US.
andrewcollins 8
It was in Canada
Shrike 24
Even in the US, you can't just shoot someone for walking onto your porch, even if they are spreading dog shit on it. You need reasonable cause. God help you people if you ever try murdering someone like that.
nevershoutkendal_fml 11
That's not legal?! Whoops...
_Oblivion_ 12
No trespassing signs maybe?
TheSnakeDoctor20 17
65- in the state I live in it, if you warn them first and they don't leave, you can shoot them.
hunterfisher98 8
In the US the only time you are allowed to use deadly force, ( at least in Pennsylvania ) is when you believe that your life is being threatened. So if this was in the states, OP could not simply go and smack the asscricket in the shins with a baseball bat. However this is Canada, so I have no idea about the laws pertaining to trespassing and destruction of property there.
rainbowglass 5
In Canada, if a man tries to rob you at home, and you use physical force on him, he can sue you. Not a good idea to attack. The best you can do is go to the police with hard evidence.
bengermin 5
Props on introducing "asscricket" to the vernacular, though!
EnterSandman_fml 20
Yeah, I can definitely think of quite a few uses for the term asscricket. It shall fit quite well in my insult repertoire along with fuckball, shitbird, grand marshall of the idiot parade, etcetera.
VorpikeII 17
Enlist KaySL to help you fill your insult vocabulary. She is great at it. You guys could probably compile a FML insult book together.
freshprizzle1 13
Have you ever tried using the term "peniswrinkle"?
SilverTears14 5
I like to use "douche nozzle".
alphaskater09 9
I like to use the term "**** nugget"
hurrican_fml 0
Ever tried shit bucket?
ajeppsen 25
I like sperm farm
PeeNaught 3
Right...I totally laughed my ass off...ass cricket, I'm totally going to use that and the fact that OP is a chick makes it way more awesome cuz usually it's the male calling a chick something like that...
Blurry_1 0
How about "cocksore"
Roythetickler 21
There is always penis breath
Dodge4x4Ram 46
well **** you too
dylanmellark101 5
NOOOO. F U
biglittlehead 12
No! **** me! Wait that isn't right?
ryry013 6
Guys.... look at the name of the FML poster
biglittlehead 12
I thought 7's comment was pretty obvious.
Luunatic 13
You must be the ex.
KBeatz 5
This is why you need a paintball gun to take to his car and/or shoot him while he's on your property outside your window.
Sandman366 6
Don't load it with paint, though. There is ammo much more appropriate.
BenL97 5
Marbles!
saIty 17
Go an extra level psycho to get rid of him. Cut off his balls, glue them to his chin, and call him Peter Griffin.
JustTemporary 24
Ball Chinian? (dunno how that'd be spelled)
MrThew 0
No, this is Patrick..
bones_17 5
Haha who the bitch nowww!!
DocBastard 40
Where I come from that's how people propose marriage. Congratulations on your engagement! I'm buying you a blender.
lepuppykicker 15
I'm buying them a pooper scooper.
ImmaB3AST 7
Doc, you seem to get involved in weddings a lot. You should really have a part time catering business. I'm sure you'd be excellent for the job.
Qandol 26
I agree with #20, extra money wouldn't hurt:)
VorpikeII 17
Maybe he should just become the priest. Then people would be able to consult him on the many ways in which you can marry someone from Doc's country.
bewareimannoyed 13
Sounds like a very classy man.