Today, I watched porn on my phone for the first time and it went black and shut down. In reality my phone just died, but I thought for a few seconds that the government found me out. Paranoia much. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, I accidentally connected my phone to my mum's headphones while watching porn. FML
Today, I logged onto my computer to access a video from my porn stash. However, the folder was empty except for my favourite file. Thinking that a virus deleted everything, I was thankful my favourite file remained. When I opened it, I saw a video of my parents telling me not to masturbate. FML
Today, I started watching porn in my room with the volume muted. A minute later, my dad knocked on the door, so I closed everything and called him in. He just said, "Son, you disgust me." and walked out. Now I'm too paranoid to use my own computer. FML
Today, my dad came into my room, looked at my laptop, and said he could hear the porn I was watching all the way from his room. I wasn't watching porn. We soon realised it was actually coming from his mobile phone. FML
Today, I got bored looking at porn. FML
Today, I went to the phone store to get a new SIM card. The store manager went on my browser to see if my data was working. Two pages of porn popped up. FML
Today, I was watching porn and found my mom on a webcam. When I told her that I saw her, she just took away my computer and told me to get off porn. FML
Today, I stopped using porn by blocking it on my phone and laptop. Only problem is I still get off without it. FML
Today, I was sick, and decided to work from home. After coding for a few hours, I took a break, and being home alone, I watched porn. A few minutes later, I received messages from my colleagues telling me to shut it down. I had forgotten I was working on teamviewer. FML
Today, I opened my personal laptop at a company meeting. I forgot that the battery died while watching a porno last night. It was ten seconds of slurping, spitting and gagging. It was my first day. FML
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Top comments
Wizardo 34
It gets easier and more morally desensitising after a few faps. Just wear a tin foil hat on both heads.
booze_n_bitches 37
I normally just hire a few exotic dancers to come over every time I wank. Or ask them to come up from the basement for ten minutes. Less of this "technology" malarkey.
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Comments (70)
Wizardo 34
It gets easier and more morally desensitising after a few faps. Just wear a tin foil hat on both heads.
whatcase 16
Confirming this works
drunkmunkey 24
I'm wondering what kind of **** he was watching to make him worry about government intervention.... Not a good thought
interesting33 37
Took me way too long to realise you weren't talking about a Zaphod Beeblebrox type person with two heads.
Erzabae 6
LOL that's great, futurama reference for the winnn
drunkmunkey 24
68 that's a hitchhiker's guide to the galaxy reference. Now. So long and thanks for all the fish!
Psyqiik 18
Always
xoxoblondee 31
Clearly the government saw that and killed the battery to your phone on purpose.
okokalright 15
Hey, sometimes i get those phony "fbi" pop ups that demands 200 bucks on **** sites. I would be a bit paranoid too tbh
speakfreely 21
I use to get so paranoid while masturbating that someone installed cameras in my teddy bears to watch me that i always had to hide them in the closet while doing it lol you're not the only irrationally paranoid one
chuka81 27
Installing cameras in teddies, so cliché. I install mine in clothes, TVs, windows, doors, kitchen sink, microwave, plates, fridges and curtains. You can be assured that I kept a couple in your closet and I saw you each time.
ToxicTyrael 26
#11 Thanks again for selling me the videos. They're in an astonishing good quality.
ThrottleJockey 36
#11. I thought the videos from the teddies were a bit fuzzy, in my opinion.
Darkness_Hate 29
Always incognito mode!
chuka81 27
Incognito mode won't hide it from the government.
Krypt1c 11
They also can't do anything if its legal **** though. lol
R2Y2 22
Orbot ftw
RockstarJAy 16
Define Legal ****, 35
DanCastellaneta 17
^ Well, if it's not child **** or rape or incest...
Xion0014 20
Sometimes I thought that my desktop had cameras even though they didn't and then I'd get caught and it'll be in the computer. Lol! At least you were smart enough to watch it on your phone so you wouldn't risk a virus on your computer!
Mauskau 36
My ex got a virus on his phone from a **** site. This virus was sending texts to premium numbers and they weren't recorded in the text history on the phone, so he ended up with an extra £100 on his phone bill. It wasn't until he told me about the extra charges that I found the virus and got rid of it for him, and then he had to confess to watching **** after saying "i never watch **** especially on my phone!" lol. Most of the virus infested pcs I've had to fix have been because of ****. Around 60% of the webpages have viruses on them, they might not be harmful but they're there as they get a lot of traffic and advertising is what keeps them going.
Xion0014 20
What phone does he use? He probably signed himself up. Theres no way you would sent out texts or anything of that nature. I've never gotten a virus on my phone(android) and I've been browsing on there for about 5+ years. Maybe he tried to download something instead of streaming.
booze_n_bitches 37
I normally just hire a few exotic dancers to come over every time I wank. Or ask them to come up from the basement for ten minutes. Less of this "technology" malarkey.
ThrottleJockey 36
Besides, technology is lacking in that personal touch.
One_Way 43
Even with technology you still can have a personal touch. You just have to provide it for yourself.
Chloe555_fml 27
It's only illegal if it was child ****
Vlen_fml 20
there are other illegal forms of **** but that's the general point, why are you worrying about the governement if you're looking at regular 18+ ****?
NYM88 26
It's worse than you think. They ARE watching you!
Jerakl 21
They are watching, yes. But they don't care about what you whack off to. In reality it all goes into a big jumble of data where an individual is not distinguishable. They only monitor "suspected terrorists/criminals" as an individual.
RedPillSucks 33
don't believe her. she's one of the watchers. just look at her eyes
Badkarma4u 17
It never ceases to amaze me when people believe what intelligence agencies tell them. As if the people they are investigating are not watching. They lie all the time. The only time you find out what they are doing is when they get caught.
SubparAtBest 23
Illuminati Confirmed.