Today, I was talking dirty to my long-distance lover while touching myself, when a cockroach fell from my ceiling and landed on the hand I was molesting myself with. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, I was having some sexy time with my boyfriend, when suddenly he jumped out of the bed, screaming. Not having my glasses on, it took me few seconds to understand that a voyeurist cockroach was in the bed with us. FML
Today, I was jerking off at 2am when a giant, thumb-sized cockroach came flying across my room, prompting me to scream pretty loudly. My mom then came into my room worried, only to find me naked on top of the couch, screaming like a little girl. I still had an erection. FML
Today, I woke up with a cockroach in my ear. FML
Today, I was playing my guitar and felt something like an itch under my foot, so I attempted to scratch it by rubbing against the floor. The big cockroach made a very distinct "crunch". FML
Today, I was abruptly woken by a scratching at my butthole that felt like a spider with a million legs. I've never leapt out of bed so fast. When my partner shined a light on the bed, we discovered it was a cockroach. FML
Today, I woke up with a dead cockroach and its guts all over my forehead. My boyfriend responded by laughing and saying "Poor guy, never had a chance to see the world." FML
Today, I got up in the middle of the night to get a glass of water. I felt something get caught in my throat so I coughed and spluttered a bit. When I turned on the lights I discovered I'd coughed up a cockroach. FML
Today, my roommate showed me a video of a cockroach crawling all over my face while I was asleep in the lounge. FML
Today, I was studying for a big test I have next Tuesday in my room. I heard a creak in my ceiling but assumed it was nothing as my house is old. Thirty seconds later something fell from my air vent directly onto my head. It was a giant cockroach. FML
Today, I saw a cockroach on the ceiling. Immediately I got a stick to smack it down. When I hit it, it fell and landed in my mouth. Karma much? FML
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Top comments
GwennaRose 22
Maybe the cockroach just wanted to get in on the action
Welshite 40
Threesome? Oh god, that was a horrible image. *throws up*
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Comments (148)
GwennaRose 22
Maybe the cockroach just wanted to get in on the action
Damian95 16
What a dirty cockroach.
hallix 21
Hey, it's getting more action than I am.
CallMeMcFeelii 14
I always wanted to be Mila Kunis's hand in a situation like this. But I don't think I ever envisioned myself as a cockroach falling and landing on her hand. Hell, that actually may work out for me even better!
negb 30
Is it just me that is reading "molesting" instead of "masturbating"?
n00b4liciou5 10
Me thinks OP doesn't know english & used Google Translate
jw90 18
No no I really think OP may have been molesting themselves.
Gho5tk3y 17
Depending on ones preference it may be the same thing 66
toooldforthis 19
I agree w/ 102, some like it rough :)
Welshite 40
Threesome? Oh god, that was a horrible image. *throws up*
wisericky 12
Hmm my mental image required a giant cockroach.
GwennaRose 22
Hmmm, I just don't know if I could trust something that could survive nuclear radiation for weeks and not die (yes this is a play on not trusting that which bleeds for 5 days and does not die)
vipirius 18
47 the part where you explained the joke, ruined the joke.
GwennaRose 22
Aha, well I guess I'll remember that for next time then
Koppol 15
Haha now she's got two cocks.
Ksweety_fml 27
I bet that cockroach was liking that.
jtthegr8 26
Bugs get lonely too :(
SmuggletheBudgie 15
So do budgies :(
Bradley_Dillon 39
So do AA fans :(
mFUNdo21 17
So do humans :(
The_Paladin 16
that would definitely kill the mood
heartjenny 3
The dirtiest phone sex convo ever.
cosicosei 22
Flick it off and continue.
Pleonasm 36
If OP is a woman, I imagine that's what she was already in the middle of doing before the cockroach came into the equation.
cosicosei 22
Hahahah damn, i'm gonna pretend I was witty enough to do that on purpose...
ChenEighty 20
It wanted to earn its name as a cockroach. ;D
Wizardo 34
My thought exactly, it wants to deliver with its unimaginable longevity and stamina...
rgri 11
This is more like TMI than FML.
lastbutnotleast 3
did you scream O shit when the roach landed on you!
tranced_ 45
what's your point?