Today, I was abruptly woken by a scratching at my butthole that felt like a spider with a million legs. I've never leapt out of bed so fast. When my partner shined a light on the bed, we discovered it was a cockroach. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, at about 3:30 a.m. I awoke to the feeling of something dropping on my head. Startled, I turned on the light. It was a gigantic cockroach. I thought I'd killed it, but when I went to collect the body it was gone. I'm too scared to sleep. Even my dog now refuses to be in the bedroom. FML
Today, I was peacefully using the toilet when I heard a familiar crunching sound behind me. After shooting up and frantically looking around, I hesitantly closed the toilet lid - just in time to see a black cockroach slip into a crevice of the toilet. The thing was close enough to go up my butt. FML
Today, I woke up to the feeling of something crawling up my leg. I threw back the bed sheets and saw it was a cockroach. My dad said my ensuing scream was so girlish that he wondered what the hell my sister was doing in my bedroom. FML
Today, I got up in the middle of the night to get a glass of water. I felt something get caught in my throat so I coughed and spluttered a bit. When I turned on the lights I discovered I'd coughed up a cockroach. FML
Today, I thought I felt something itch my butt as I sat down on the toilet. Sure it was just my imagination, I did my business. When I was done I saw there were 4 cockroaches crawling under the seat. FML
Today, I woke up in the middle of the night to go pee. While in the bathroom, I felt something move inside my shirt but just ignored it, thinking it was my shirt brushing on something. Something moved again. I ripped my shirt off to reveal a massive cockroach inside my shirt. FML
Today, I was playing my guitar and felt something like an itch under my foot, so I attempted to scratch it by rubbing against the floor. The big cockroach made a very distinct "crunch". FML
Today, I woke up with a cockroach in my ear. FML
Today, I heard a blood-curdling scream from the bathroom. I discovered my husband, naked and with his pants around his ankles, standing in the bathtub and pointing at a cockroach on the ground. After disposing of the body, I had to stay and comfort him while he wiped his ass. FML
Today, I woke up with a dead cockroach and its guts all over my forehead. My boyfriend responded by laughing and saying "Poor guy, never had a chance to see the world." FML
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Top comments
Leeono 26
Finally and answer to “what crawled up your butt?!”
donthatemebut 14
Don’t let the bed bugs bite.
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Comments (20)
Leeono 26
Finally and answer to “what crawled up your butt?!”
donthatemebut 14
Don’t let the bed bugs bite.
RichardPencil 32
What kind of asshole can’t tell the difference between an arachnid and an insect?
Michelle Strutt 2
Yeah, right.
ChromoTec 24
The ****-roach chose the wrong hole
RichardPencil 32
To some, there are no wrong holes -- just ones that require more lube.
geniusness 6
Did you burn the house down? Because you should burn your house down. It's the only logical reaction.
Linda Mau 10
The cockroach was a male and was just tryna get laid
PenguinPal3017 19
That is the type of roach you'd expect to try to enter you there.
ReallyChillDude 4
That cockroach has a real go getter attitude lol.
TheSminty1 17
Get fat like me. Nothing gets near my butthole without spelunking gear