Today, I was diagnosed with gonorrhea. My dad's reaction was to slowly clap at the news then giggle at his own joke. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I told my dad that I had a herpes infection. He said, "Good." FML
Today, I went to the doctor's office, where my mother happens to work. When my doctor tried to prank her by saying I have chlamydia, my mother laughed and said she didn't believe it, adding, "Have you even seen the way she interacts with boys?" FML
Today, I found out the girl I gave my virginity to gave me gonorrhea. FML
Today, after realizing it burned when I peed, I found out the boy I waited two years to have sex with gave me gonorrhea. FML
Today, I came back from the doctor after having been diagnosed with a UTI. My dad now won't shut up about it, saying stuff like, "You must be 'pissed'", "Looks like 'urine' a bit of pain", and "'Urea'-lly need some antibiotics, son", all while making obnoxious finger quotes in the air. FML
Today, I went to see my dad to tell him that my girlfriend of two years is pregnant. He burst out laughing, and said, "You r*tard! You've fallen for the oldest trick in the book! Caught by your dick in the hairy bear trap!" He was still laughing hysterically when I left an hour later. FML
Today, I got diagnosed with Lyme disease. My whole family thought it would be hilarious to call it, "Lame disease." FML
Today, my boyfriend proposed. Two hours later I get a text from my ex announcing he has just been diagnosed with chlamydia. I now have to explain this to my fiancé. FML
Today, I saw my father for the first time in two years. He felt compelled to tell me about how he got involved with a BDSM group and got an STD because of it. FML
Today, my new boyfriend with whom I'm completely smitten called me and told me he had an early Valentine's Day gift for me. Gonorrhea. FML
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Top comments
AirBusDriver 23
Clap clap clap... maybe next time you ought to just FAP FAP FAP.
giantsfan2010 23
Don't be silly, cover your willy!
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Comments (126)
Lotusfay 1
Isn't Chlamydia the one called The Clap?
razzledazzle21 23
Yes, which is why OP's dad thought his clapping was hilarious ;)
Patriots21 14
Wrong wrong wrong -- the clap is gonorrhea.
razzledazzle21 23
11 - you are right! I should've used google instead of relying on my memory as it tends to sometimes be faulty!
MisterEx 28
As long as you are not a doctor, in this particular case, it's ok.
DocBastard 40
I assure you doctors do not refer to it as "The Clap". We like to use bigger sciency words to make ourselves look smarter.
Rallred32 20
You should call it "The Clap", Doc. Medicalisms should be avoided.
Patriots21 14
I bet that was hurtful and really pissed you off.
caleb_9756 14
No shit, that's why he made the FML.
H75Valkyrie 14
#25, Should I bring you a step ladder or...?
j_cat187 20
*gets decapitated by low flying joke*
12characters 10
Was this a pun?
joselgarciac 9
For those that don't know if you get the clap it burns when you pee, or so I've been told...
giantsfan2010 23
Don't be silly, cover your willy!
Patriots21 14
I get it, you're trying to be funny, but just a little reminder to you (and all the other people saying he should have wrapped it): condoms do not guarantee that the user will not acquire an STD.
giantsfan2010 23
Exactly, but can't hurt to put one on, unless you end up being allergic to latex, but there are non latex alternatives
ProfessorMctitie 20
Cover your stump before you hump!
UhHuhHoney 20
#17 caught a STD before
j_cat187 20
Don't be a fool, wrap that tool.
confushon 12
That's why you don't have sex with people you don't know. I don't feel sorry for OP.
lovely_mess3 15
If you get the clap then give it to a bunch of people is it then called an applause.:)
DocBastard 40
I'm sick and ******* tired of 1) the drooling idiots who say "condoms don't always work" on every single FML where they are mentioned and 2) the fact that those comments are always voted way up. Listen very carefully, morons: NOTHING works 100%. Is that a reason not to use them? Of ******* course not. But they do work exceedingly well when used properly. Seatbelts also don't work 100% of the time, but do you say "**** it, they don't always work, so I'm not going to wear one, and on the off chance I hit a tree, I can go flying through the windscreen and hit the ground at 120kph rather than being protected by airbags and roll cages"? If you do, then you're just as much an idiot as those who don't use condoms because they aren't perfect either. Rant over. You may now thumb me the hell down.
Patriots21 14
We're not saying that because they don't work, we don't need to wear them. We support wearing them, just mentioning that it isn't a guarantee that you won't contract an STD.
OhLookItsTonia 3
You do realize that you can get an STD from having sex with someone that you know, right? People have gotten it from their own spouse, don't make assumptions.
OhLookItsTonia 3
Maybe I missed it, but did OP say that they weren't wearing a condom?
lilybadilly25 15
One way to find out! OP, start a round of applause!
limabeans101029 21
70- That clearly isn't what they're suggesting. They're saying that, because condoms aren't always effective, we shouldn't be so quick to assume that OP wasn't using one. If you couldn't figure that out, then you probably shouldn't be calling other people "drooling idiots".
mfmylifesrsly 30
#55 I am SO ******* tired of people saying this! A LOT of people get STDs from someone they know! I almost got HPV from an ex, thankfully I didn't though.
azarel88 11
better wrap it before you tap it.
EwahWeeWah 21
You can get that without even having sex, if you could only get it from having sex it probably wouldn't exist in the first place.
graceface1031 7
Comment moderated for rule-breaking.
Thanks for getting that song permanently in my head.
AirBusDriver 23
Clap clap clap... maybe next time you ought to just FAP FAP FAP.
Colon_Man 17
I came in here just to thumbs up this comment after seeing it in the preview.
ConstantlyAnna 8
Just made me laugh out loud. Not even joking!
ConstantlyAnna 8
I logged in for the same reason. Great minds? ;)
captainsmegma 12
You were expecting a standing ovations?
ritz24683 22
Atleast he was smart enough not to catch gonorrhea....
bearstyle22 11
Dont be a fool wrap your tool.
chocolatefrog28 29
Well doesn't that sound like a lovely family bonding moment.
mfmylifesrsly 30
is anyone else wondering why OP told their dad?
russfml 31
Haha well played but YDI., if I was your old man I'd take it a step further and YouTube to the Greek got the clap song and blare it. You're lucky it's a curable std