Today, I shat a magnet. FML

Today, while joking with my coworkers about how I shouldn't be trusted with a stapler because I managed to accidentally staple my finger last week, I stapled another finger. FML

Today, I taught my friend how to use a staple gun. She taught me how to get staples out of my hand. FML

Today, I accidentally stapled my finger to a piece of paper. It hurt, but I took it out and went to restaple it. I did it again. FML

Today, I shat myself during a job interview. FML

Ouch

Today, I pulled a hamstring by taking a dump. FML

Self-own

Today, out of nowhere, I started violently choking on my own saliva and shat myself in the process. FML

Jeremy?

Today, I shat myself in the middle of Walmart. It dripped out the bottom of my pants till i made it to the restroom, which was on the other side of the store. FML

Autopilot

Today, I used the last of the toilet paper to blow my nose while taking a dump. FML

Today, I had to take a dump in a box for a stool test. FML