Today, I realized something: when other people are drunk, they dance around and make out with people. When I'm drunk, I apparently think it's a great idea to chew on electrical cords. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I realized that I'm a better human being when drunk or high, because at least then I don't seem like a wind-up toy about to snap. FML
Today, my friend and I went to a club. She said I look hilarious when I dance drunk. I was completely sober. FML
Today, I got unbelievably drunk and pissed in the corner of my room, all over a plug socket, which blew out the electrics. FML
Today, someone told me they liked my personality when I'm drunk. I asked, "What about when I'm sober?". "No, only when you're drinking." FML
Today, my wife got so drunk she kissed another guy when the ball dropped. FML
Today, I got too drunk at a party and cracked a tooth from opening a beer bottle with my teeth, farted something nasty in a room alone with someone, tried to climb a tree and fell out, and watched my crush make out with his new girl. FML
Today, when drunk, I became OCD about everything and spent 3 hours making sure that the books on my shelves were straight. I thought that being drunk was supposed to be fun. FML
Today, I learned that drunk me from last night is apparently great at flirting. She also apparently flirted her way to a free bottle of white wine, only to shatter it on the kitchen floor at 2 a.m. How did I find out? Three words: glass in foot. FML
Today, I got so drunk that I tasered myself in the balls as a joke, fell down my friend's porch stairs and rolled out into the street. FML
Today, I noticed that I'm way more productive when I'm drinking than when I'm not. I think I just figured out why I'm related to so many alcoholics. FML
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Top comments
tehaustiebear 34
That's pretty... Shocking.
katamine 17
Sooo... You're a hamster
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Comments (51)
tehaustiebear 34
That's pretty... Shocking.
iop330 22
Bet OP felt sparky after that night out.
itsharkley 8
YEEEAAAAAHHHHuuuhhh!
Altair18 10
You know that's not how vibrators work
SPRKY 6
You're putting the wrong kind of 'wire' in your mouth. You don't want THAT one to explode on your tongue, it could leave a huge mess or regrets the next day.
sens3sfailing 25
are you trying to insinuate the only thing drunk people are good for are blow jobs?
Phoenixke 16
Darwin works...
llamafish 25
It does work, but only the extremely determined idiots can kick themselves out of the gene pool. We have created an environment which caters to stupidity, therefore they technically qualify as "fit to survive".
scarperwins 1
So then explain to me how it does work? You just contradicted yourself...
Jordath_Fil 11
Ok 70 so here is how evolution works. In an environment, certain attributes or behaviors or what have you are beneficial; some are detrimental. I work with S. aureus and penicillin so the ones that randomly acquire penicillin resistance become more 'fit' to survive in their environment. The ones that do not have this gene for resistance will die and not have representation in successive generations. As for the previous comment about this being a society geared toward stupidity so idiots thrive (I paraphrased sue me) it does make sense. Being an "idiot" that is capable of working the system can spend more energy reproducing (making more representatives) than an intelligent individual who works and ends up supporting the first idiot. So you see the better 'fit' is found with the "idiot" because they are able to reproduce at a higher rate. Edit: if I have strayed from the answer please forgive me.
katamine 17
Sooo... You're a hamster
rocketiquette 20
It's OPs spirit animal
calipilot227 16
Or a rabbit?
rapunzel3416 28
39- No it's their patronus.
buckdharma 38
The Energizer Rabbit.
Pleonasm 36
Your uninhibited self wants to cut you out of the genepool... I'd watch out for that bastard if I were you.
kittytub 12
that's re-volting, op.
iop330 22
We really need to amp up the jokes now...
perdix 31
We could keep people aware of current events. We could charge people, potentially, if we could overcome their resistance and transform their lives.
SPRKY 6
OP put the wrong kind of "wire" in their PIE hole. They'll have to be careful, because they definitely wouldn't want THAT cord to explode in there mouth. It could lead to a big mess and a few regrets. OP, next time just pull your wire.
decidedlyvague 11
Sprky... You posted the same reply under two different comments. Even for a person with a name like sprky, that's pretty shocking.
Zephianaxo 7
Wtf @Sprky....
SPRKY 6
Yeah I noticed- It didn't show up the first time, put too much effort into it the second time. Comment FAIL! Sorry guys
Stefan1994 7
I had a dog that did that once. You're not a dog are you OP?
Myo_fml 20
Had? Once? ;~;
peppermintpink 11
Did the dog get drunk and electrocute itself??? *wonders*
spaboolly 26
On the plus side, there won't be any embarrassing photos of you dancing around and making out with people on facebook the next morning. I can't imagine what kind of uninhibited impulse would make you want to chew electrical cords though. That has to be a new one.
breakingbad_fml 27
There will be embarrassing photos of him chewing electrical cords on Facebook. Somehow I don't think that's any better.
cameron194 9
And not to mention that one of these nights she goes drinking and ends up killing herself because she was too drink and stupid to realize what the **** she's doing.. Yea I think I'd take the embarrassing photos I've the alternative.. Your dumb for even pointing that out spabooly.. And if I was OP I probably wouldn't be drinking much in the near future.. And if I did I'd make sure everything in the house was unplugged first :/
senor_awesome 14
45- Spaboolly was making a joke. You don't have be an ass about it.
1dvs_bstd 41
You lucky sumbitch. They would have taken you ohm in a casket! Did it hertz?
superrocket19 17
I think I can tell this guy is black. Sorry, didn't mean to be racist, but you set yourself up for it
VoiceMail 12
Are you secretly a pet rodent that learned how to use the computer? : D
GothickNihilist 15
All hail FOAMY!
AhmandahAnarchy 5
OMG! I'm so glad you said this! Foamy is the SHIT!
SweetasCandy0609 28
Um..why? Have you suddenly turned into a dog that likes to chew on things?