Today, I had to check up on a 400-pound inmate who was very upset about being locked up. When I got to his cell, he threw one of his own turds at me through the bars. I took a hit. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, while mopping floors at the police station, an inmate pissed on the floor, demanded that I suck his dick, begged me for a glass of water, and finally informed me that he would kill my family. I said nothing and he started weeping softly. I laughed, but slipped in his piss and broke my arm. FML
Today, in a public toilet, I got to experience a guy high out of his mind kicking in my locked stall door and puking all over me. FML
Today, I was dealing with a psychiatric patient with a colonostomy bag. She got agitated and ripped the bag from her abdomen and threw it at my face. I got a bag filled with poop thrown at my face. FML
Today, my violent geriatric patient was trying to escape the facility. When I intervened, she poked my belly then told me I was squishy and that I might explode. FML
Today, I had to take a leak, so I went into a porta-john. I noticed another man's hand under the door with a cell phone. Angered, I aimed my stream at his hand and phone. He tilted the porta-john over in response. It was full. FML
Today, I was put in lockup for accidentally scaring the officer by lifting my hand to scratch my head. FML
Today, I was waiting to take a dump in a gas station restroom. A 300-pound man walked out, shook his head, and said, "I'm sorry" to me. FML
Today, I was at work at my local hospital. I went to the toilet to empty my bladder; the door was half open so I assumed it was empty. Upon opening the door, I was greeted with a half naked old man, who then yelled at me and violently shat himself, all over the walls and floor. FML
Today, thanks to some asshole with a padlock, I got trapped in porta potty for over an hour. FML
Today, I was in my family's hotel room taking a dump. The lock to the bathroom was broken so we had made a deal: when the door is closed, someone is using the toilet. The maid didn't know that. She punched me in the face because she claimed I scared her. FML
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Top comments
illegalbeagle69 23
At least you could wash it off, he's stuck with it in his hand.
ElricMustang 23
That's so disgusting. I hope he gets into a lot of shit for doing that.
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Comments (108)
illegalbeagle69 23
At least you could wash it off, he's stuck with it in his hand.
Almost_Positive 18
He can just wipe it on the walls. Pretty sure cells have sinks. Correct me if I'm wrong.
illegalbeagle69 23
Can't say I've ever been in a cell so you're probably right.
Almost_Positive 18
That's interesting, considering you're an illegal beagle
WinterBlue42 22
That's because they haven't caught him yet. . YET.
iLostMyName10127 5
Depends on the cell. Often times holding cells won't have any.
Almost_Positive 18
It didn't sound like the inmate was in a holding cell, though. Thank you for your input :)
jackel_love 14
I imagine this in my head and I can't help, but laugh. A grown 400 lbs disgruntled man decides the only way to express his anger is by throwing his homemade turd at someone. I hope I'm not the only person that hopes this gets turned into an illustration lol.
rick_maahea 12
No you're right.
rick_maahea 12
They usually actually eat a bad diet to give themselves diareaa and put it in a foam cup and "chunk" it when the officer pops the food slot open to either cuff them or give them the food tray. This happens mostly in administrative segregation.
skatoolaki 24
Actually that's not uncommon in jails & prisons, especially those where the inmates are locked in their cells 23 hours/day - solitary confinement and the like. They often go a bit crazy and fling their own waste at guards, other inmates, etc. All that time on their hands, they even get creative mixing stuff with their urine or feces so they're often not allowed to have anything in packets or bottles (from ketchup and hot sauce to shampoo). I know someone who has worked at a penitentiary for over 15 years and he tells me some crazy stories but that's actually a common occurrence!
illegalbeagle69 23
I am, in fact, an illegal beagle, I am accused of sexually assaulting the legs of 69 middle-aged women, but I am still on the run.
cryssycakesx3 23
..."homemade" turd...
ZelmaSlayer 30
No, I thought it was store bought.
ElricMustang 23
That's so disgusting. I hope he gets into a lot of shit for doing that.
Almost_Positive 18
They could send him to prison!
KittyLahv 27
I think he may already be in a lot of shit as it is.
Uglyfeet 23
Good use of an old pun, sir. You have my respect #3
StupidMonkey497 16
This better not turn into another nasty porno
adamzki1999 16
That sucks :/
mallu86 9
That's shit.
GlasgowSneer 13
That's ******* gross. At least you get to disinfect yourself.
miggles 16
on another note, the 400 lb pig is in jail for a reason. dont let him enjoy it.
jackwilliams 9
That's shitty
Almost_Positive 18
Yeah, it stinks. Sorry for all the crappy puns.
KittyLahv 27
What's shitty is the amount of times this pun has been used.
Rainhawk94 27
What's shitty is the overused puns , the person commenting that they're overused and then there's me.
cryssycakesx3 23
#18, from the person who *just*(2 comments ago) said "he's already in a lot of shit"
Crofty92 17
#6. You are a ****.
MRP360 14
welll? did you throw one back?
TheNewGuy03 29
A poo-flinging pow-wow! YEEEEEAH! >_<
niallo 23
Actually, you don't have to throw nor back. He assaulted a prison officer with a biohazardious item. You get to wash off some shit, he gets a few more years. Poor baby. Bet he says they did it cuz of discrimination.
whatafuckup 14
Karma will take it's revenge. You're doing a good thing.. You'll get rewarded.
russfml 31
That's a pious way of thinking, good luck to you and all of life's endeavours lol
rocker_chick105 31
And good luck in life with that attitude towards others' opinions.
why57why 21
That's a pretty shitty situation OP but seriously that would suck but you can at least clean yourself while he is stuck with poo on his hand
arrow007archer 19
congratulations! you just used the most overused pun on FML
Drizl 17
You should have just made him regret it!
mete_orito 34
What exactly are you suggesting? Taking advantage of a position of power (in this case, it seems OP is a prision guard) doesn't sound very ethic and professional.
bfsd42 20
Believe me, op most likely beat the crap out of the prisoner.
Liiiiiiiiike 15
Don't worry about it. For him to do that is not going to make things any better. Just for that he could get another year or two.
WinterBlue42 22
Actually, probably more. That is actually a form of assault.