Today, I got a new roommate. I thought he was pretty cool until he mentioned how everything around us was a conspiracy. Then he asked if I knew how to make a bomb. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, my new room-mate moved in. She spent over an hour obsessively searching the place for god knows what kind of secret recording devices, and now aggressively demands that I taste-test all of her pre-prepared meals to make sure they're not poisoned. FML
Today, I woke up to my roommate's friend rustling in the attic without permission to be there. When I asked how he got in with all doors and windows locked, he simply said, "It's a secret." FML
Today, I met my new college room-mate. He then introduced me to his imaginary friend. FML
Today, I found out that my new roommate is dating my ex-boyfriend. FML
Today, I found out who my randomly assigned roommate was. Out of 10,000+ people, I just happen to get assigned a girl who threatened to kill me. FML
Today, when a discussion with my roommate veered into politics, he made it clear he thinks I'm an instrument of his oppression because I'm not a communist. I pay rent and utilities, and buy groceries. He and his wife take up most of the space in the apartment and I keep the secret that she never stopped cheating. FML
Today, my roommate woke me up during afternoon nap to tell me that I need to move out. His reason: "Our political differences will likely escalate to violence." FML
Today, my roommate broke into my spice cabinet so he could get high off of my nutmeg. FML
Today, I found out that my new roommate likes to put candy on the floor, let ants crawl all over it, and eats it. Ants and all. FML
Today, yet again, despite the fact that I don't know anything about politics, I got roped into a political discussion with my roommates. FML
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Top comments
darwinism 30
Every time he says something, look from side to side and whisper "shhh, they might be listening".
sarah5745 41
Did you say yes?
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Comments (70)
Corey122726 17
Sparklers.......... Lots and lots of sparklers wrapped tightly together duct tape.
cakefete2 31
Don't use duct tape. That stuff is so strong it will absorb the blast.
devildog562 33
Naw duct tape will work but it also gets you a felony in the former of a terrorist device. 9-11 laws were exploited. Picalo petes + bottle+ duct tape= trip to court house + $1000 fine. Lucky the judge dismissed the felony charge, but I still have troopers every year come to the house around the 4th of July to check on me.
DenverTyrrell 13
He could have just been joking...but just in case call the FBI, Army, military, police, the fire department, your mum, his mum and the ghost busters
Ichiya 29
And the restaurant down the street. All that dialing will work up a good hunger.
LikeYouGiveAShit 27
He will be laughing when the illuminati kills us all!
RA91 26
This is exactly why I can't have roommates, lmao!!!
cakefete2 31
Why is that? Is it because they post FMLs about things you asked them in private?
Ichiya 29
No because they wont share their bomb making secrets.
ostfaiz 18
Dont tell he is from Al Qaeda
Ahmad69a 10
That's so racist
NoTreble 5
You are part of the reason why we can't all get along. I hope you're happy to be part of active segregation, discrimination and stereotyping.
Ichiya 29
There was no race mentioned in the fml. The worst thing #18 did was stereotype Al Qaeda members as bomb loving conspiracy nuts.
martin8337 36
I think that you have an Al Qaeda or ISIS living with you. I think that I would contact Homeland Security if I were you.
RedPillSucks 33
Or a spawn of Timothy McVeigh, Eric Rudolph, or Ted Kazinsky
NoTreble 5
Well, aren't you awfully stereotypical to still be a member of a progressive human race?
Joshery 14
New new roommate?
worldclassrager 41
Google will be his friend...just have him not do it around the house/dorm...
Marielle_T 10
I hope you don't sleep too hard OP because you might have to keep an eye on him at all time
Narayan96 13
Psycho alert!