Today, I got a new roommate. I thought he was pretty cool until he mentioned how everything around us was a conspiracy. Then he asked if I knew how to make a bomb. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, my new room-mate moved in. She spent over an hour obsessively searching the place for god knows what kind of secret recording devices, and now aggressively demands that I taste-test all of her pre-prepared meals to make sure they're not poisoned. FML
Today, I woke up to my roommate's friend rustling in the attic without permission to be there. When I asked how he got in with all doors and windows locked, he simply said, "It's a secret." FML
Today, I met my new college room-mate. He then introduced me to his imaginary friend. FML
Today, I found out that my new roommate is dating my ex-boyfriend. FML
Today, I found out who my randomly assigned roommate was. Out of 10,000+ people, I just happen to get assigned a girl who threatened to kill me. FML
Today, when a discussion with my roommate veered into politics, he made it clear he thinks I'm an instrument of his oppression because I'm not a communist. I pay rent and utilities, and buy groceries. He and his wife take up most of the space in the apartment and I keep the secret that she never stopped cheating. FML
Today, my roommate woke me up during afternoon nap to tell me that I need to move out. His reason: "Our political differences will likely escalate to violence." FML
Today, my roommate broke into my spice cabinet so he could get high off of my nutmeg. FML
Today, I found out that my new roommate likes to put candy on the floor, let ants crawl all over it, and eats it. Ants and all. FML
Today, yet again, despite the fact that I don't know anything about politics, I got roped into a political discussion with my roommates. FML
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Top comments
darwinism 30
Every time he says something, look from side to side and whisper "shhh, they might be listening".
sarah5745 41
Did you say yes?
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Comments (70)
sarah5745 41
Did you say yes?
MeanBeagle 22
toilet paper tube + one stick of dynamite = boom
peacheso 31
#19, You were doing so well. Until 20 came along.
MeanBeagle 22
it was a king of the hill reference.
JMichael 26
I feel I would take it too far and really mess with him. I'd tell him the government is covering up what really happened on 9/11. That it was really an alien invasion and a group of super heroes ended up saving the day. See if he's dumb enough to miss the movie reference and believe it.
Jared900DUmpling 30
Make sure he doesn't saw your head off while you sleep
orbit 22
No don't worry, he would make sure op is awake before he starts.
KoalaLife 13
And probably ask how to do it.
darwinism 30
Every time he says something, look from side to side and whisper "shhh, they might be listening".
sayyestothedress 24
Lol, now THAT would make OP roommate run for the hills!
marleypuckpuck 22
Run. Leave. Don't turn back.
mikaellikestacos 14
But first call the cops
avengers1214 18
That sucks, OP. Maybe it'll get better.
devildog562 33
Or maybe you'll be dead or worse . Yes worse. Some things are worse then a quick painless death.
Ichiya 29
Such as a life without bacon.
DaRito 25
This comment could technically be used for any FML, but it would still suck for all of them.
mete_orito 34
Make sure he is taking his medicine. ;-)
DishnobFruitCum 5
If he invites you to a picnic on the roof, don't you dare go.
cakefete2 31
But the view, it's so lovely from up there.
Faddyy6 17
ask him to google it..
Faddyy6 17
tell*
aleyp63 13
nah you cant google shit like that.. deep web way to go
garrett_8614 14
...or don't tell him anything so he won't try to make a bomb?
tony1891 22
i can see believing everything is a conspiracy... but when someone asks if you know how to make a bomb...yep. Time for a new roommate
devildog562 33
The answer is some lye, saturated fat, glycerine, a few other household chemicals a pinch of sawdust ... Wait what ?