Today, I decided to surprise my husband by bringing home a case of beer and renting us a porno. He decided to surprise me by telling me he was leaving me for his pregnant girlfriend. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I came home early to surprise my wife. No, it's not what you're thinking: I didn't find her cheating on me. She wasn't even home, but my dad was. He'd used his spare key and was on my sofa, drinking my beer, and watching my TV. The first words out of his mouth? "Your beer's shit." FML
Today, I told my boyfriend I was pregnant. He seemed thrilled, and went to buy some wine to celebrate. He left 11 hours ago and won't come back. FML
Today, I decided to surprise my boyfriend at his house. Apparently, I ruined the surprise party he'd planned for me, and now he’s upset with me. FML
Today, I wanted to surprise my boyfriend by showing up at his place unannounced with some take-out food. I got there just in time to see him leave his block of flats with another girl. FML
Today, my husband decided to start seeing other people. I found out when I called and interrupted his date. FML
Today, my husband of 6 years said in a grave voice that he had some important news for me. Jokingly, I said, "Why, did you get that cute colleague of yours pregnant?" He did. FML
Today, I was watching our home security cameras from work when I saw my husband get home and grab a beer. I activated the camera microphone and told him to put it back and fold the laundry. He flipped off the camera, chugged the beer, and started jacking off on the living room sofa. FML
Today, I sent my boyfriend to the store to get groceries while I was at work. Instead of what I listed, he came back with hot pockets, ice cream and beer. I'm lactose intolerant and pregnant. FML
Today, I decided to pay a suprise visit to my boyfriend's house. I let myself in, walked up to his bedroom and found him dancing around. In the dress I had left the other weekend. FML
Today, my wife told me she wanted a divorce and walked out. This is two days after she informed me that she is unexpectedly pregnant. FML
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Top comments
DameGreyWulf 1
God damn, that is just grade A bullshit right there. Well, at least you aren't the other woman. Just think; everyone knows she's a **** now, getting preggers from someone's HUSBAND. You on the other hand have one less asshole in your life.
Luckster 0
When you divorce him, squeeze every penny out of the bastard!
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Comments (159)
soiree_fml 0
That is so messed up. I hope he finds out the kid isn't his in 10+ years
cabernet 0
Na, it would be better to find out in 20 years after he's done supporting the kid.
Divia1 9
Yes, Infla, that is CLEARLY the best option. O.O That shit just makes you look desperate and SAD. **** your husband he's clearly an idiot who had an awesome girl, **** and beer sounds like a time to me(and I'm a girl)!
MrsLeesha05 0
I second that! But instead of beer it's smirnoff =D
inflagranti 0
i think her idea was to have drunken sex and not a wonderful night of romantism and poetry
betterthancandy 0
Wtf. What I want to know is why this implies you knew he had a girlfriend. It doesn't really matter though. Divorce his ass and leaving that cheating jerk with nothing. You can obviously prove he cheated, so you can take him for every dime he owns.
Silenthunter 0
Not true, it is only half and that is if he doesn't have a good defense attorney. Cheating is not illegal and mean that somebody is entitled to another's possessions.
obviously_damned 0
Damn, im sorry for you, that rat-bastard, he should be luckly for you to do that for him, and he goes off and becomes a dick. He's only going to regret it in a few years. KARMA.
papertigers_fml 0
you sound so much cooler than some pregnant ****
Muffinish 0
infinitely
pkstarstorm 0
Comment moderated for rule-breaking.
YDI for thinking **** and beer is romantic.
hk_fml 9
How does she deserve it for thinking it was romantic? She didnt even indicate that she was trying to be romantic. I'm sorry this happened to you, OP. You deserve MUCH better! Jeez, FML is becoming such a hot spot for retarded trolls and fourteen year olds.
Leprecon 3
pkstarstorm; If you think **** and beer is trying to be romantic ... then I pitty you
Travestie616 0
#32, you fail at life (and reading comprehension). If you were trying to respond to #24, you got the username wrong *and* missed/misread what the person was saying. If you were actually responding to #18, you entirely screwed up. Normally I'd laugh at you and let it go, but I hate stupid people.
paperfox_fml 0
#44, fail. What she said was 'if you thought **** and beer was TRYING to be romantic', indicating that if #18 was foolish enough to interpret the OP's actions as an attempt at being romantic, he was stupid. Clearly the OP wasn't trying to be romantic, she was trying to set the stage for a fun night of drunken sex in unconventional positions. So before you accuse someone of 'failing at life' and being a 'stupid person' who deserves laughing at, reread it and make sure YOU ******* understood, kay? You arrogant retard.
USMC_Marine 0
Ummm are you a guy. Beer and porno. Are you going to watch the game afterwards? Bastard
maybe_tomorrow 0
Wow, you sound like the wife that all guys dream of. He's an idiot. Sucks for him, and you're going to be the one better off, I can guarantee it. Go find someone who actually deserves you.
michaelaranda 28
You CANT guarantee it.... You dont know OP
jam_21 0
You should have seen that coming if your marriage has gone down to having to get home beer and prono to spice things up. Whatever happened to the good old days of coolwhip/chocolate syrup and trying out new moves??
cabernet 0
I love prono.
Leprecon 3
Theres nothing wrong with **** ... I watch **** with my gf every now and then and its fun. She likes it, I like it, and we discuss **** too sometimes (different types/themes f websites always stand out for discussion)