Today, I decided to surprise my husband by bringing home a case of beer and renting us a porno. He decided to surprise me by telling me he was leaving me for his pregnant girlfriend. FML
Collection
Thanksgiving
Questions about your love life, a burnt turkey and the cousin who knows everything: Thanksgiving, a contact sport.
Today, I came home early to surprise my wife. No, it's not what you're thinking: I didn't find her cheating on me. She wasn't even home, but my dad was. He'd used his spare key and was on my sofa, drinking my beer, and watching my TV. The first words out of his mouth? "Your beer's shit." FML
Today, I told my boyfriend I was pregnant. He seemed thrilled, and went to buy some wine to celebrate. He left 11 hours ago and won't come back. FML
Today, I decided to surprise my boyfriend at his house. Apparently, I ruined the surprise party he'd planned for me, and now he’s upset with me. FML
Today, I wanted to surprise my boyfriend by showing up at his place unannounced with some take-out food. I got there just in time to see him leave his block of flats with another girl. FML
Today, my husband decided to start seeing other people. I found out when I called and interrupted his date. FML
Today, my husband of 6 years said in a grave voice that he had some important news for me. Jokingly, I said, "Why, did you get that cute colleague of yours pregnant?" He did. FML
Today, I was watching our home security cameras from work when I saw my husband get home and grab a beer. I activated the camera microphone and told him to put it back and fold the laundry. He flipped off the camera, chugged the beer, and started jacking off on the living room sofa. FML
Today, I sent my boyfriend to the store to get groceries while I was at work. Instead of what I listed, he came back with hot pockets, ice cream and beer. I'm lactose intolerant and pregnant. FML
Today, I decided to pay a suprise visit to my boyfriend's house. I let myself in, walked up to his bedroom and found him dancing around. In the dress I had left the other weekend. FML
Today, my wife told me she wanted a divorce and walked out. This is two days after she informed me that she is unexpectedly pregnant. FML
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Top comments
DameGreyWulf 1
God damn, that is just grade A bullshit right there. Well, at least you aren't the other woman. Just think; everyone knows she's a **** now, getting preggers from someone's HUSBAND. You on the other hand have one less asshole in your life.
Luckster 0
When you divorce him, squeeze every penny out of the bastard!
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Comments (159)
justmyluck1212 0
lmfao justdancebby i agree, the OP's not a classy broad or dane or w/e
tbrayspena23 0
You could have just simply told him that you, too, were pregnant.
Roto13 0
Are you kidding? How many wives would be willing to do that for their husbands? Best wife ever.
jgupta86 0
Wow his loss, you seem pretty fun, haha
plexico 4
Of course the "******* wife" comes first, but if he has leftovers, he can share them with his girlfriend. It's just simple rat-bastard etiquette.
plexico 4
There is no pregnant girlfriend, he was just mad because she brought home cheap, skunky beer and boring ****. You have to do better next time. I'm no beer connoisseur, but you can't go wrong with hot MILF action!
Shyman4ever 0
Will you marry me? Beer and **** always does the trick
PTKFML 0
Obviously it wasn't a traditionally "romantic" or "classy" thing to do, but I'm sure that's not at all what she was going for. She wouldn't have done it had she thought he was going to hate it. Most men out there would LOVE if their wife would do that for them, with the exception of a few narrow-minded idiots. Not all sex is about romance, candle-lit dinners, and rose petals...sometimes you have to really just let loose and go wild! That's what keeps things exciting. I think I'm going to try that for my husband, hopefully without the same results :P
Puolukka 4
I agree with what you said. Also, he's her HUSBAND...so you would think that they each know what gets the other one going and what doesn't...because obviously at one point their relationship was going good or they wouldn't have gotten married.
demonkey_fml 4
I'm sure many other men would be more than happy to have a wife/girlfriend who brings them beer and **** after a tough week at work! PLUS, picking a screaming whining baby with his new girlfriend as opposed to a wife who delivers beer and **** to the house, he's picking the losing team! Let us know what happens in 9 months!
Vagrarian 2
FYL for now...I'm sure this is like a kick in the teeth but in the long run you're better off. You went an extra mile to please your husband so you deserve better than that cheater.