Today, I decided to surprise my husband by bringing home a case of beer and renting us a porno. He decided to surprise me by telling me he was leaving me for his pregnant girlfriend. FML
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Thanksgiving
Questions about your love life, a burnt turkey and the cousin who knows everything: Thanksgiving, a contact sport.
Today, I came home early to surprise my wife. No, it's not what you're thinking: I didn't find her cheating on me. She wasn't even home, but my dad was. He'd used his spare key and was on my sofa, drinking my beer, and watching my TV. The first words out of his mouth? "Your beer's shit." FML
Today, I told my boyfriend I was pregnant. He seemed thrilled, and went to buy some wine to celebrate. He left 11 hours ago and won't come back. FML
Today, I decided to surprise my boyfriend at his house. Apparently, I ruined the surprise party he'd planned for me, and now he’s upset with me. FML
Today, I wanted to surprise my boyfriend by showing up at his place unannounced with some take-out food. I got there just in time to see him leave his block of flats with another girl. FML
Today, my husband decided to start seeing other people. I found out when I called and interrupted his date. FML
Today, my husband of 6 years said in a grave voice that he had some important news for me. Jokingly, I said, "Why, did you get that cute colleague of yours pregnant?" He did. FML
Today, I was watching our home security cameras from work when I saw my husband get home and grab a beer. I activated the camera microphone and told him to put it back and fold the laundry. He flipped off the camera, chugged the beer, and started jacking off on the living room sofa. FML
Today, I sent my boyfriend to the store to get groceries while I was at work. Instead of what I listed, he came back with hot pockets, ice cream and beer. I'm lactose intolerant and pregnant. FML
Today, I decided to pay a suprise visit to my boyfriend's house. I let myself in, walked up to his bedroom and found him dancing around. In the dress I had left the other weekend. FML
Today, my wife told me she wanted a divorce and walked out. This is two days after she informed me that she is unexpectedly pregnant. FML
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Top comments
DameGreyWulf 1
God damn, that is just grade A bullshit right there. Well, at least you aren't the other woman. Just think; everyone knows she's a **** now, getting preggers from someone's HUSBAND. You on the other hand have one less asshole in your life.
Luckster 0
When you divorce him, squeeze every penny out of the bastard!
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Comments (159)
mrpyramids 8
well I don't know what were you thinking , when you get him to watch **** u make him love some one else and you don't want him to leave you , you give him the push to get over you I might sound mean but the turth always hurt I'm really sorry to hear wat happen but you mad it turn that way
Britney_Spears 1
My boyfriend left me for another girl. But I got him back. I snuck into her bedroom, late at night, wearing nipple tassels and crotchless leather pants. I started whipping her sexually, and she had multiple orgasms. Then I took out my knife and killed her. ******.
dookiedoo 0
look me up! a woman that brings home **** and beer is everymans dream
abasio 1
Sounds like the perfect wife IMO
Broken_Angel23 5
What a dick
Carlie_McCartney 1
Well, then, you have a night all planned out for yourself then. Drink up, now :)
resplendencerino_fml 3
this sounds like a storyline from some White trash comedy. you just couldn't make this shit up!
jdavis24 2
irockmyworld, you are my hero lol
DylansMomma 9
Your comment : That's your idea of a surprise OP? A case of beer and a porno? nothing like getting plastered and watching ****. Wtf?
pogozo 3
Divorce that man! Get every penny outta his wallet, that bimbo will never know what hit her