Today, I decided to surprise my husband by bringing home a case of beer and renting us a porno. He decided to surprise me by telling me he was leaving me for his pregnant girlfriend. FML
Collection
Thanksgiving
Questions about your love life, a burnt turkey and the cousin who knows everything: Thanksgiving, a contact sport.
Today, I came home early to surprise my wife. No, it's not what you're thinking: I didn't find her cheating on me. She wasn't even home, but my dad was. He'd used his spare key and was on my sofa, drinking my beer, and watching my TV. The first words out of his mouth? "Your beer's shit." FML
Today, I told my boyfriend I was pregnant. He seemed thrilled, and went to buy some wine to celebrate. He left 11 hours ago and won't come back. FML
Today, I decided to surprise my boyfriend at his house. Apparently, I ruined the surprise party he'd planned for me, and now he’s upset with me. FML
Today, I wanted to surprise my boyfriend by showing up at his place unannounced with some take-out food. I got there just in time to see him leave his block of flats with another girl. FML
Today, my husband decided to start seeing other people. I found out when I called and interrupted his date. FML
Today, my husband of 6 years said in a grave voice that he had some important news for me. Jokingly, I said, "Why, did you get that cute colleague of yours pregnant?" He did. FML
Today, I was watching our home security cameras from work when I saw my husband get home and grab a beer. I activated the camera microphone and told him to put it back and fold the laundry. He flipped off the camera, chugged the beer, and started jacking off on the living room sofa. FML
Today, I sent my boyfriend to the store to get groceries while I was at work. Instead of what I listed, he came back with hot pockets, ice cream and beer. I'm lactose intolerant and pregnant. FML
Today, I decided to pay a suprise visit to my boyfriend's house. I let myself in, walked up to his bedroom and found him dancing around. In the dress I had left the other weekend. FML
Today, my wife told me she wanted a divorce and walked out. This is two days after she informed me that she is unexpectedly pregnant. FML
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Top comments
DameGreyWulf 1
God damn, that is just grade A bullshit right there. Well, at least you aren't the other woman. Just think; everyone knows she's a **** now, getting preggers from someone's HUSBAND. You on the other hand have one less asshole in your life.
Luckster 0
When you divorce him, squeeze every penny out of the bastard!
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Comments (159)
9az00 0
how delightfully redneck!! ******* awesome!!
NightlightPL0X 0
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Leprecon 3
"I decided to surprise my husband by bringing home a case of beer and renting us a porno." Marry me !
9az00 0
nightlight dude you're not even funny. if you're going to troll, at least come up with a funny topic.
RigChan 0
Awww, I'm sorry. You tried to do a nice thing for him. ): I hope that you just get over him quickly!
irockmyworld 0
maybe ure idea of fun isnt beer and **** but most normal guys would love it and think its the coolest thing their wife can do for them. so leave your sorry ass opinion out of this. she didnt get dumped cause she got him beer and ****, she got dumped because he went to get some ******* ***** who cudnt keep her legs shut pregnant. understand the fml then comment yeah? and by the way, with a face like yours, which only a mother could love, i'd think you would be needing **** wouldnt you? you obviously cant be getting laid with that face. go get some plastic surgery done for the love of god.
lollipops321 0
Classy gal, aren't you?
jam_21 0
#34 just like you have your own opinion about the matter, others have a right to their own opinions too and your bashing someone's appearance and shit talking them is really not gonna help you prove your point. that's just lame!
zolziski 11
Run a "congratulations" story in your local newspaper (you know how some people announce that they're married, that sort of thing), full names, and that it's a bastard love child. Buy a couple of copies and send the clippings to family and friends. Keep one for when the kid's 16.
zuli_fml 0
"Congratulations are in order for Mr. (husband's name here) who impregnated Miss Skanky McSlutpants and walked out on his wife of (however long you've been married). His wife is currently filing for divorce after hiring the most bloodthirsty divorce lawyer in the state."
Moemoemoe_fml 0
#37 That sort of thing does happens, though sadly not always to people who deserve it... I had it happen in my family, when it wasn't true. The guy running the thing in the paper was still bitter about a divorce that happened years before either party met other people and remarried, and so he made up a child born out of wedlock and all. :-/
zolziski 11
That does suck, but I'm sure the friends and family (the people who matter) knew the truth. In this case, the husband and the girlfriend deserve what's coming to them.
sara713_fml 0
#56 i'm 100% with u. But girl i would've smashed the beer on his head!
pogozo 3
You sir, are satan. But I like you!
irockmyworld 0
i wasnt using it to prove my point. anyway i wasnt talkin to you so shut the **** up.