Today, I came home and found that my home had been robbed. The worst part? One of the thieves took a dump in my toilet and didn't flush. It doesn't even look human. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, my house got robbed, while I was upstairs taking a dump. FML
Today, my house was robbed while I sat helplessly on the toilet with violent diarrhoea. I could hear them laughing hysterically. FML
Today, I got burgled. Not only did he steal my TV and game consoles, but he took a huge diarrhea dump in my underwear drawer and wiped his ass with my tailored suit. The dry cleaner won't accept it because it's a biohazard. FML
Today, I woke up to find my house TP'd. I also noticed our entire house was devoid of toilet paper. Someone had broken in just to steal our toilet paper and TP our own house with it. FML
Today, I got home from a holiday to find out that my flatmate had thrown a party. Everything seemed fine at first, then I noticed that someone had taken a dump in my running shoes that were in my bedroom closet. FML
Today, I was taking a dump at a public restroom. As I reached over to grab the toilet paper, I realized someone had peed on it. FML
Today, at work, I went to fold a pair of pants that was left in a changing room to find out that someone had taken a dump in them. FML
Today, my house was broken into. Nothing was stolen, but my laptop had feces smeared all over it. FML
Today, I came home to find my home had been broken into. Nothing was taken, but all the drains were plugged and the water left blasting on high, with a note that said “enjoy the mess”. FML
Today, I went to take a dump at work, but the last person in the stall didn't flush. As I flushed for him, the shitty water splashed on my face. Some went in my mouth. FML
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Top comments
SexyMexi21 23
Ew. man I'm sorry. hopefully they find who it is!
wRIPPERw 23
Chin up, OP. Those are just things. And flush the toilet...
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Comments (201)
SexyMexi21 23
Ew. man I'm sorry. hopefully they find who it is!
Pesticides 19
My question is, who is comfortable enough while robbing a house to take a dump?
Ali_Br_fml 33
Maybe they can if OP Saves it (edit: I mean don't flush...not to take it out yourself...) and let the cops take a DNA sample. If they're in the system, odds are they'll be able to catch them. Better hope you don't have to go any time soon... there isn't a Gray deal of DNA in feces, but hopefully enough
DocBastard 40
You really expect a cop to sift through a fresh load just for a DNA sample? Here, I'll give you my impression of the cop's response when you suggest that: "BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! No." You're welcome.
Ali_Br_fml 33
Great, not Gray. Dang, I add that word to my phone's dictionary, and everything I write comes out as Gray. I just might remove it...smh. Swype hates me...
King_Nero 15
25- if it's a DNA sample of the person who robbed op then they'll have to use it. It's nasty but still evidence to be used in the case.
slipstreak 10
No one cares about your keyboard fam.
AurumPotestasEst 16
Besides, sitting on the toilet means that the perp left behind (pun intended) a skin sample that they can use.
Enslaved 38
When my house was burglarized a few years ago, I asked the investing cops if they were going to have fingerprints taken since there was obvious plenty of evidence everywhere. They laughed and told me to stop watching so many TV shows and that only happens for things like homicides. If I wanted that done, I would have to hire someone on my own. They were only there to write the report and I could send that to my insurance company. It was frustrating dealing with them but they did give my interesting advice, they told me to get a good alarm system since thieves often return to try and steal the newer replacement electronics.
popprock 13
What was the point in taking a dump in your toilet. Why just why.
LisaDay 14
No.
91hayek 31
I think its someone you know who really needed to take a dump and the robbery was an after thought. They felt really embarrassed and guilty for what they did they ended up irrationally blaming you for their predicament to save face, and decided to steal things as some twisted revenge. I have taken a shame dump before and the feeling of shame and indebtedness is overwhelming; however I've been freed from that feeling when the kindergarten burned down one night. I DID NOT BURN IT DOWN.
elusiveshame 22
That's pretty solid advice. I'm sure a lot of people never thought about that, myself included. Sorry to hear about your issues, OP. People do shitty things to others, but don't let it get you down or discourage you; it's only material possessions that can be replaced.
LuuLuuu_fml 8
#65, when I got broken into the cops sent over people to dust for fingerprints on my doors. Not uncommon here for police to go to great lengths to catch criminals.
AurumPotestasEst 16
Bad pun aside, my previous comment was true. They can find the perp with the skin cells they get from the toilet seat.
wRIPPERw 23
Chin up, OP. Those are just things. And flush the toilet...
ex_omer 17
I am going to thumb you down, because your picture offended me
fivetimeslonger 24
I'm going to thumb you up, because your picture offended him.
barakados 11
I'm gonna thumb both of you down because y'all are being stupid.
ImAFaker 29
I'm going to thumb me down because I offended myself
Wakachulak 22
I'm going to thumb you all down because **** you.
Jesswokethisfall 11
lol that was just no. you killed what they had going
BreathingClover 19
I think you're a raging idiot. I'm going to report you for thumbing down something that's not thumb down worthy
Jesswokethisfall 11
me? o. O
Crofty92 17
Thumb me up if this should have stopped 4 comments ago.
incoherentrmblr 22
Thumb them all in the eye...
Rooters24 8
Op, dont flush the toilet. the police can, suprisingly, use the feces for DNA and catch the crook.
incoherentrmblr 22
^ RotoRooters...
elusiveshame 22
34, quit being over dramatic and hyper sensitive.
laureri 26
Only if he has a record would his DNA possibly be in the system. Contrary to police shows there is no gigantic sperm DNA data base for non offenders lol
senpa_kush 11
Well actually no, it may seem gross but they can get DNA from it.
piedpiper303 29
well thats a shitty- *gets shot*
teotsi 28
Headshot!
morella_xx 29
Acknowledging that it's not funny doesn't magically make it funny.
badluckalex 23
it was worth a shit.. er.. I mean shot no? ok ill leave
Quackadoodledoo 13
Leave and don't come back.
EverestMelting 23
At least he didn't take a crap on the coffee table. Must've not known how to properly rob a place.
ironichalibut 24
Yeah, he left his mark, but did he leave an impression? That's why you go with coffee tables. Some burglars just don't get it, I tell you man.
EverestMelting 23
This was from a tv show if you have ever watched blue mountain state?
illegalbeagle69 23
Yeah, and his bitchy girlfriend made hime take the ring out of the shit and wear it haha. this football player has a bitchy girl friend thats only with him for the money hes gonna make. she doesnt have sex with him and cheats on him. she was leaving out of town and she wanted to make sure he didnt cheat so she made him wear a promise ring. well later, him and his buddies go to a strip club and he loses his ring up some girls ******. then they have to go back to the strip club and look for the ring.. in every stripper.. well they dont find it so this dumbass mascot sammy decides hell play it off like his place got robbed and he stole the ring. so he trashes the guys house and takes a shit on his coffee table. where the ring is found. then his girlfriend makes him wear it. yeah thats what happened. so in case you didnt get it sammy swallowed the ring that was lost in the girl. yeah Blue Mountain State
Crofty92 17
You've gotta raid the fridge aswell.
Airborn0280 18
Maybe they stole the coffee table as well.
EverestMelting 23
Thank you #90
ironichalibut 24
No, I know the show. I was pointing to it as well. "Burglars shit on coffee tables to leave their mark" it's a line from the show.
ironichalibut 24
I was actually specifically looking for this reference when I read this FML an went to these comments. I really thought whoever made it would've been smarter.
ironichalibut 24
Also, I don't think they actually looked in any strippers, one of the first ones they asked took them to a lost and found (?)
rockcaar3 7
What the **** are you talking about
Epikouros 32
Come on, that show didn't invent burglars ******** on a coffee table. It's been a cliche for ages. Some of you people forget there's a whole wide world outside of the tv screen.
annie_nk 23
Talk about adding insult to injury.
slipstreak 10
Hopefully you have insurance. And maybe invest in a guard dog?
inner_peace 19
You could have the police see if the criminal left a hair or something on the toilet.
The_Paladin 16
The "sample" left behind could have been used too. >_<
inner_peace 19
But I don't think most cops would touch it
weveallbeenthere 30
cops won't attempt to get DNA for a burglary.
BreathingClover 19
hair? How about a RAGING TURD IN THE TOILET
jude_iscariot 7
I showed up to this thread just to say that. It's not worth the time or money.
worldclassrager 41
Are they she shitty bandits? (Home alone)
Kamon97 23
Use the dump as DNA evidence for the police!!!
RadikulRam 16
It appears, due to indisputable evidence, that the burglar who broke into your house was a double ham cheeseburger. We'll be on the lookout in your nearest fastfood joints, inscrupulously eating a doughnut and drinking coffee.
False_Stupidity 42
It was hamburgler!
uremystar 8
Oh no! Sorry OP! Well maybe cops will have forensic gather it as evidence if it goes that far?? :/