Today, I accidentally ran my thumb down the cheese grater while preparing lunch beside my wife. I instantly jerked my hand away from the grater just in time run my forearm across the knife she was using. I now have 20 stitches and 5 staples in my arm, no lunch, and a puking wife. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, I was cold and alone at work, so I decided to try and warm myself up on the panini toaster. As I was holding the top side open and my other hand over the hot metal, I accidentally closed the door on my hand. FML
Today, as I was about to walk across the street, a girl in front of me who clearly wasn't paying attention to the traffic, almost got run over. I grabbed her arm and jumped back. She was fine. I fell and fractured my arm and wrist. FML
Today, I thought it would be a good idea to sneak out of work early and pay a little visit to the pub. I ended up staggering home, drunkenly making myself a nacho cheese dorito milkshake with the blender, then promptly puked my guts out all over the kitchen table. FML
Today, I accidentally punched myself in the face while trying to take my bra off. FML
Today, while I was eating spicy wings, I suddenly sneezed. I was sitting in front of a fan and effectively maced myself when my spicy sneeze blew back into my face and eyes. FML
Today, I was clipping my abnormally thick toenails. I had to apply so much pressure on the clippers that a nail flew off, hit me in the eyeball and scratched my cornea. The doctor nearly fell off his chair laughing during my eye exam after I told him what happened. FML
Today, I had to wait in a hospital room because I cut myself with a knife while trying to open a box of soda. After three stitches, I went home only to notice the box has an easy-open tab. FML
Today, I was at work laminating a large photo. While I was doing this, I had a sudden itch on my nut sack. So I quickly scratched it away. When the customer came to pick up the print, I noticed that one of my pubic hairs had laminated itself on the cheek of the woman in the photograph. FML
Today, I was teaching a woodshop class. We were using power tools, including drills, and pieces of pine wood. While helping a kid to hold a piece to practice drilling, he went too far forward with the drill. It went through my hand. FML
Today, I was on the toilet when my cat came in and jumped up on the sink. Apparently my lap looked like a comfier seat, so she jumped onto it. She misjudged the distance, but luckily caught herself by sliding to a stop, with her claws in my bare thighs. FML
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Top comments
n_london 0
this is a classic fml. that really sucks. and who the **** votes YDI on this?
kingbob337 0
ouch ouch ouch
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Comments (155)
metaah 0
omg I feel bad for you..
Ihavetopee 0
I think the wife was puking because his skin got into the cheese and she'd have to eat that later.. OP: That's a genuine FML.
plexico 4
Where are all those "Bitch, make me a sammich!" idiots when you need them?! This might be the one time they could contribute some humor to this site. One of them could have said, "YDI for doing your wife's job! Does she sit on the couch, watch the game and scratch her nuts? Hell, no, that's YOUR job!"
lovesthesun 0
haha I've been wondering the same thing!! Those guys haven't been around much lately. EDIT: read Sherlock Holmes'
XOfiestypixie 0
I agree. It's like those guys all suddenly disappeared into thin air. Right along with that Mike kid. Maybe they all found something better to do than spending all their time on fml?
screwtaylor 0
Make me a ******* sandwhich, OP. Don't get any blood into my Ham and Cheese though, or I'll give you 20 more stiches. :F THERE YOU GO, PLEXYPOO.
Intoxicunt 6
Haha. "Plexypoo". I don't care how many people bitch at you, Screwtaylor, I think you're funny.
screwtaylor 0
Aw, thank you, Intoxicunt. :D
sublime93 0
It doesn't really work if you're a girl yourself...
ClumsyJason 3
lol, wanna screw around?:D
Sherlock_Holmes_fml 0
This just sucks big time, but twenty stitches? if you were a real man, you would have used duct tape. furthermore this is all your fault for trying to do womens work.
mansen 15
@Sherlock_holmes...dude have you ever used duct tape to hold a wound back together to let it heal??? I mean a big wound??? I've used duct tape, hockey tape, electricians tape....and ew ew ew ew ew, it just doesn't work. It gets all goopy in the wound and all the umm 'juices' stay in there so when you peel the tape off, no matter how carefully, you have all this watery mess running out, and are left with a gaping open, soggy gross wound. Ummm, only reason I know this is that I hate going to emerg to get stitches and having to explain the stupid stunts I figured I could 'try' to do that resulted in said gaping wounds (skateboards, roofs, cars...). And I'm a girl that did that tried the at home fix...it's not just a man up thing ;P
Towelie_31 0
Well u no wut they say...
klutz93roxx 0
wow you are one special dude!!
idratherbewrestl 0
boo! ydi for being a little bitch from a little cut andjerking around
whyevenbother 0
i've done the first part before. gashed the tip, tore off half the fingernail, and split the remainder of it. fyi
DeathShad0 1
I'm sorry, but I laughed my ass off. The Imagery was ******* hilarious.