Today, I accidentally ran my thumb down the cheese grater while preparing lunch beside my wife. I instantly jerked my hand away from the grater just in time run my forearm across the knife she was using. I now have 20 stitches and 5 staples in my arm, no lunch, and a puking wife. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, I was cold and alone at work, so I decided to try and warm myself up on the panini toaster. As I was holding the top side open and my other hand over the hot metal, I accidentally closed the door on my hand. FML
Today, as I was about to walk across the street, a girl in front of me who clearly wasn't paying attention to the traffic, almost got run over. I grabbed her arm and jumped back. She was fine. I fell and fractured my arm and wrist. FML
Today, I thought it would be a good idea to sneak out of work early and pay a little visit to the pub. I ended up staggering home, drunkenly making myself a nacho cheese dorito milkshake with the blender, then promptly puked my guts out all over the kitchen table. FML
Today, I accidentally punched myself in the face while trying to take my bra off. FML
Today, while I was eating spicy wings, I suddenly sneezed. I was sitting in front of a fan and effectively maced myself when my spicy sneeze blew back into my face and eyes. FML
Today, I was clipping my abnormally thick toenails. I had to apply so much pressure on the clippers that a nail flew off, hit me in the eyeball and scratched my cornea. The doctor nearly fell off his chair laughing during my eye exam after I told him what happened. FML
Today, I had to wait in a hospital room because I cut myself with a knife while trying to open a box of soda. After three stitches, I went home only to notice the box has an easy-open tab. FML
Today, I was at work laminating a large photo. While I was doing this, I had a sudden itch on my nut sack. So I quickly scratched it away. When the customer came to pick up the print, I noticed that one of my pubic hairs had laminated itself on the cheek of the woman in the photograph. FML
Today, I was teaching a woodshop class. We were using power tools, including drills, and pieces of pine wood. While helping a kid to hold a piece to practice drilling, he went too far forward with the drill. It went through my hand. FML
Today, I was on the toilet when my cat came in and jumped up on the sink. Apparently my lap looked like a comfier seat, so she jumped onto it. She misjudged the distance, but luckily caught herself by sliding to a stop, with her claws in my bare thighs. FML
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Top comments
n_london 0
this is a classic fml. that really sucks. and who the **** votes YDI on this?
kingbob337 0
ouch ouch ouch
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Comments (155)
n0lovesongs 0
oh God that's so gross. fyl for sure. graters and knives freak me out, man.
gabbs1112 0
Why does screwtaylor comment on like every fml there is? Talk about no life
repyourcliche 0
Why shouldn't she?
gabbs1112 0
Why does screwtaylor comment on like every fml there is? Talk about no life
screwtaylor 0
I don't have a life. You got me. But you must have no life just as me to know every FML that I comment on.
plexico 4
Hanging out on FML and making funny comments IS life! ;)
Intoxicunt 6
Agreed! Why is no one bashing all the other people you see commenting each FML? And you're totally right, how would they know how many you comment on unless they spend a lot of time on here as well? People love to talk about you, Screwtaylor. You're like the new Miley Cyrus, but pretty.
redbluegreen 41
I agree with all this. Being on FML causes you to get to know some of the members though. It's not that hard to do. It's the sarcastic/hilarious comments that make the FML worth it to me anyway. People who start fights online anyway are probably too shy to in real life to say shit, so this is where it all comes out. Plexico, aback, screwtaylor, etc., please don't stop hanging around and commenting on FML. You guys are brilliant.
Scorpitarrius 0
those of you that say they have no life, they have funnier shit than you guys can ever think of. plex, taylor, and intoxicunt, yall are awesome. =)
DoomJeff91 2
Seriously, I love these people. Plexico's like the father fML never had. In 50 years, I'm going to be sitting around a virtual fireplace telling my half human, half robot grandkids all about Plexico. "Who's that, Grandpa Jeff who's now married to Keira Knightley?" "Well back before the internet went out of style, we used to see how terrible other peoples' lives were." "Wow. Tell it again!" "I'm not finished. Plexico was the granddaddy of sexual and or funny comments." "What happened?" "Well... France owned Fmylife and when they declared war on all of the planets in the universe, they took their website with them." "Is AOL like the internet?" "NO! NEVER EVEN SAY THOSE LETTERS AGAIN DAMMIT!"
buckeye_12 0
wow, reading the comments is more amusing than reading the FMLs.
Intoxicunt 6
Thank you for including me in that list, #101. I show my gratitude with ***********. Too bad you're a guy.
gabbs1112 0
Ready comments on fml is a lot different then having arguments with people over it, like honestly you probibly are on this all day, and FYI, you had like 10 comments on the two fml with comments I read, and see, your picking a fight again, all I was doing was stating a fact
screwtaylor 0
Yeah, I actually am on this all day. Also I'm on facebook and on other websites but who cares? I don't try to pick fights, you guys do. I leave comments and then go. When I come back to read the posts somebody's arguing with me calling me stupid or whatever. So don't say I am starting shit. You started it by saying "Talk about no life". You were waiting for an argument.
Aoife 0
You'll notice that these people who say crap like "talk about no life" have nothing better to do with their lives than to comment on what other people do with theirs.
allie_says_rawr 0
i think #79 wants to act liek they are older than they really are and wants to act like they are the boss of eeveryone and thinks they are a know it all.
allie_says_rawr 0
#86 knows EVERYTHING.
Pointy130 0
Being someone who has both run their thumb down a grater and gashed himself while cooking, I can only imaging what its like to do both at once. ow.
Pointy130 0
He spiked himself on the knife, then in reaction moved his arm again, making a gash.
OMGitsKaleyxo 0
A FOR EFFORT! :)