Today, as I was getting ready to go to the midnight premiere of the new Spiderman movie, I was actually bitten by a spider. He gets super powers and a hot girl, I swell up like a balloon and get to spend the night in the hospital. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, my son wanted to be Spiderman. He found the biggest spider he could outside and let it bite his hand. He's staying overnight in the hospital. FML
Today, I had a dream that I was swinging through New York City as my favorite hero, Spider-Man. I was almost immediately beaten to death by a mugger. I suck even in my dreams. FML
Today, I went to a comic shop to celebrate Free Comic Book Day. A guy in a really nice Spider-Man costume showed up, so I asked and got a selfie with him on my way out. When I got home, I realized my wallet was missing from my back pocket. I was robbed by Spider-Man. FML
Today, I'm recovering in the emergency room. How did I get here? Intoxicated at a coed party, I saw a hole in the host's shed and thought it funny to christen it a "glory-hole", only to be bitten by what may well have been a black widow spider. FML
Today, a spider crawled across my arm. After a quick dance in a fit of panic, I managed to scramble onto my bed. I thought I would stand up to see if I could spot the spider and maybe kill it. I was then promptly knocked unconscious by my ceiling fan. FML
Today, I woke up to a spider crawling across my face. I was so shocked that my new house had spiders, I jumped up out of bed, only to slip on the floor and land face down onto the bed. Wouldn't you know it, right where the spider was at that point. I can still taste the juice I squished out of it. FML
Today, I went through the nightmare of having to go to my doctor so he could remove a living spider from my nasal cavity. FML
Today, I had the opportunity to taste a live spider by walking into its web in the dark. FML
Today, while showering at my boyfriend's house early this morning, I saw a huge black spider on the wall. I'm allergic to spiders, so in my disorientation I ran out of the shower screaming, slipped, sprained my wrist, and bruised my tailbone. Turns out the spider was a clump of hair. My hair. FML
Today, I had to do a "damage report" on myself after going to the midnight premiere of Harry Potter. As I was waiting for the previews, a 20 year old man dressed as a house elf tackled and wrestled me for my seat. FML
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Top comments
TheDrifter 24
Quick, add radiation, you might be able to get some super powers out of it yet.
saIty 17
Na-Na-Na-Na-Na-Na-Na-Na... Spider human balllooooooooonnnn!
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Comments (114)
sinner92 4
The irony.
FYLDeep 26
Well you ******* deserved it asshole! I didn't see the movie yet. Way to ruin the part where he ends up with superpowers and a hot girl.
hockeyoceancity 13
Really...?
ManInTheMachine 20
No, not really. His comment was almost oozing with sarcasm.
Zomg_Okay 27
I honestly don't know, 17. The comment is too stupid to pass as a legitimate grievance and too aggressive to pass as a joke.
ManInTheMachine 20
I can feel the density of commenters increasing by the second. When people can't tell someone is being sarcastic and it's as obvious as this, you know the overall IQ of FMLers is rapidly decreasing.
Zomg_Okay 27
I just think 15 opened the comment far too aggressively to be a joke. It's my personal opinion that there is a line and that 15 crossed it. If having an opinion makes me dense, then I will welcome being dense with open arms.
FYLDeep 26
It's okay guys I'm fine. I'm almost glad we got these spoilers. I don't even think I want to see the movie anymore. Spiderman kinda sounds like a cheap rehash of that Spiderpig character from a few years ago.
hockeyoceancity 13
26- You are in an asshole mood today, calm down you're judging peoples IQ's by commenting on a FML? Now you seem like the one with a social problem and just seem to hate people for no reason. Yeah i realize my comment was pretty stupid but no need to go on to some sort of rage. Just thumb it down and move on, damn...
ManInTheMachine 20
Hey, you're the one that just went on a rage, not me. I just think that it's pretty baffling that you couldn't see the sarcasm in his comment. Social problem? For making a statement? Yeah, likely story. No, I don't hate everyone, but thanks for your concern.
hockeyoceancity 13
35- If you have sort of problem with me just message me so we don't have to argue over the commenting space.
thatKidzmOm 10
Wow! Arguing though a message on FML is like trying to act tough on Facebook. Let it go and get on with your life. It's the Internet, dude.
ManInTheMachine 20
38-I'm not trying to pick a fight, so you can stop acting tough. Again, I was just stunned that neither of you could see the blatant sarcasm in his comment. If me even making a statement over the Internet is going to piss you off so much, then I'll just leave it at that. tkay: again, wasn't picking q fight, but I shouldn't have to explain anything to you.
ManInTheMachine 20
*a
hockeyoceancity 13
You all took that completely wrong... You just take it the way you think is most funny, i did not mean, oh imma beat yo ass over typing, i meant it as lets stop bitching at eachother over commenting and just if we have some disagreements talk about it like normal people? Guess not, take it the most immature way possible. :)
thatKidzmOm 10
I thought it was a good comment...funny even. If you know how to take a joke of course. I mean, seriously, who doesn't know what happens at the end of spiderman. It's been written an re-written a thousand times. And as for Man's comment, it's true. Even if you couldn't tell the original comment was "oozing" sarcasm, there's no need to get all defensive and serious over it. Like I said before, it's JUST THE INTERNET! Get over it!
KiddNYC1O 22
To the ones who didn't catch 15's sarcasm: FYL deep.
cassi135t 1
Ooh an online fight...what are they gonna do, caps lock each other to death?
puppytaco64 8
Luck of the draw I guess
stormchaser24 24
What kind of spider? I know how you feel I was bitten by one too, but I did not have to go to the hospital.
blacky_2222 3
Dude you are on your way there. It's a slow transition. Movies always speed shit up:)
hockeyoceancity 13
You profile picture is one of the most racist profile pictures i've seen in awhile haha. Your username makes it that much more funny too.
snowfox_fml 10
Ouch. Are you allergic to that specie of spiders?
Hiimhaileypotter 53
Wouldn't the fact that he went to the hospital be a pretty clear indicator?
graffitied_love 20
The irony....
graffitied_love 20
Sorry I didn't see that comment had already bern posted my bad
mastema_darling 0
Well the difference is... Peter Parkers spider was radioactive.
perdix 31
Hey, you did get an FML published. To some of us, that is a feat that cannot be achieved by mortal men. Congrats on your new superpower: Being able to weave slightly sad tales of woe in 300 characters for the rest of us to ridicule. Hopefully, your spider bite gave you other powers, like odor-free farts.
FYLDeep 26
Last time I got bit by a spider all I got was the power to vomit on command.
perdix 31
I got bitten by a constipated spider when I was a child and got the power of super-sarcasm. Boy, has that enhanced my career and my social standing!
biglittlehead 12
With great burping power comes great vomiting responcibility.
Halti 4
legend
Calyx_fml 22
Maybe OP ***** spider webs now.
alphaskater09 9
Odor free farts? What are you crazy?!? The smell is what makes farts beautiful.
Brilliant66star 17
But you can be sure at least a few premiere-goers got some bedbugs at the cinema, so try not to have regrets..!