Today, my girlfriend tried to wake me with a handjob. Because I'm a very light sleeper, I woke straight away and instinctively punched whoever was touching my dick. She forgave me, but I don't think her father ever will once he finds out. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, I tried to wake my boyfriend up to sex. When I went to touch his penis, he elbowed me in the face, mumbled an apology and began snoring again. FML
Today, I leaned over my sleeping girlfriend, kissed her cheek and told her I love her. She punched me in the ear. FML
Today, I was at my girlfriend's house, and she was tickling me. It got a bit rough, and she fell out of bed and hit the floor. Her parents, thinking we'd been fighting, burst into the room to see her holding her bloody nose. She didn't say anything while her dad kicked my ass. FML
Today, I woke up after my pregnant fiancée punched me in the face. Apparently, I rolled over in my sleep and knocked her out of bed. She is still pissed about it. FML
Today, while my girlfriend and I were making out, she went to fix the pillow behind her head and punched me straight in the face. FML
Today, I woke up my girlfriend up with a cute kiss. She was apparently having a bad dream and headbutted me. FML
Today, my girlfriend woke me up by punching me in the balls. It’s OK, I didn’t want kids anyway. FML
Today, I found out that my girlfriend sleepwalks. Well, I say sleepwalks, more like sleep punches. Very, very hard. FML
Today, I was woken up by my dog touching my foot, so I tried to push it away. Then I realized that I'd kicked my girlfriend in the face. FML
Today, I woke up to my girlfriend masturbating beside me. I asked if she needed a hand. She called me a pervert and now won't speak to me. FML
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Top comments
pennies_lane 6
****... I wonder what you do to the alarm clock in the mornings.
Death_Hoe_Inn 10
That's sure a handy way to wake you up
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Comments (118)
0RedPenguin0 8
That sucks. You can't really explain those bruises to him
Cbizzlez 10
She slipped and fell...
ICastillo 25
She ran into the door....
CallMeMcFeelii 14
I was think more along the lines that she joined an underground fight club. Who wouldn't believe that?
sunshinethehuman 9
A fishy excuse might lead them to believe he is abusing her
ICastillo 25
Damn I'm guessing you were in prison before with that reaction.
dead247 13
Never been to prison but I have woken up with fists ready.
ratorr2 23
Who did you think was touching your dick that you had to punch them? Do you often have this problem waking up with people touching you? Most guys would have been glad to wake up to a hand job. YDI
Villy23 12
How does he deserve it? Because he doesn't like being molested in his sleep? Not everyone likes it, there's nothing wrong with that.
russfml 31
When your sleeping it's not always apparent that it's your significant other.. Why even ask lol
Futacy 30
I'm pretty sure you'd do the same thing if you woke up to something/someone grabbing your junk.
Villy23 12
Do you always immediately wake up completely aware of your surroundings? Many people often don't, especially if they are woken up out of a deep sleep rather than waking up on their own. It usually takes a second to get your bearings, and a second is all you need to instinctively lash out.
junkman6 22
You guys are idiots. Maybe if he was in prison he has an excuse for this! My ex used to wake me up with handjobs/******** and I never thought someone's touching my junk I must smash their face!
deathtothepix 26
Well not if you tell him you punched his daughter for touching your dick. Make up a less x-rated story. Like you elbowed her in your sleep or something? Shit happens!
Kallian_fml 21
My boyfriend is exactly the same as OP. I tried waking him up with a handjob about 5 minutes before reading this FML. Now he's still asleep and I'm sitting on the couch with an ice pack...
Villy23 12
I understand OP. Because of my past, I am very wary of people touching me in my sleep. I once punched my boyfriend because he tried to kiss me awake. It was instinctive, and I felt horrible about it. :-(
baddfood 1
Ahahah that is funny
greenie213 23
This is why I'm glad that I don't have the punch-the-scary-thing-in-the-face reflex.
ICastillo 25
But you're the Hulk you punch everything. Hulk smash'!!!
lazyfoo92 4
I agree. hello there California girl:P
SenselessPattern 12
You might want to lock your doors, 74. Spongebob is on the prowl.
LairaIsKindaCool 6
74, I usually hate commenting on something irrelevant to the FML, but the girl in your profile picture is actually Dacey Loxx. I'm scared to know what you actually look like if you feel a need to have a fake picture.
sharksfan48 13
Don't tell the dad?
flutter4 7
He might notice her bruise
secretsymbiote21 5
reflexes, **** them right?