Today, my girlfriend tried to wake me with a handjob. Because I'm a very light sleeper, I woke straight away and instinctively punched whoever was touching my dick. She forgave me, but I don't think her father ever will once he finds out. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I tried to wake my boyfriend up to sex. When I went to touch his penis, he elbowed me in the face, mumbled an apology and began snoring again. FML
Today, I leaned over my sleeping girlfriend, kissed her cheek and told her I love her. She punched me in the ear. FML
Today, I was at my girlfriend's house, and she was tickling me. It got a bit rough, and she fell out of bed and hit the floor. Her parents, thinking we'd been fighting, burst into the room to see her holding her bloody nose. She didn't say anything while her dad kicked my ass. FML
Today, I woke up after my pregnant fiancée punched me in the face. Apparently, I rolled over in my sleep and knocked her out of bed. She is still pissed about it. FML
Today, while my girlfriend and I were making out, she went to fix the pillow behind her head and punched me straight in the face. FML
Today, I woke up my girlfriend up with a cute kiss. She was apparently having a bad dream and headbutted me. FML
Today, my girlfriend woke me up by punching me in the balls. It’s OK, I didn’t want kids anyway. FML
Today, I found out that my girlfriend sleepwalks. Well, I say sleepwalks, more like sleep punches. Very, very hard. FML
Today, I was woken up by my dog touching my foot, so I tried to push it away. Then I realized that I'd kicked my girlfriend in the face. FML
Today, I woke up to my girlfriend masturbating beside me. I asked if she needed a hand. She called me a pervert and now won't speak to me. FML
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Top comments
pennies_lane 6
****... I wonder what you do to the alarm clock in the mornings.
Death_Hoe_Inn 10
That's sure a handy way to wake you up
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Comments (118)
supportcommand 17
first
pennies_lane 6
****... I wonder what you do to the alarm clock in the mornings.
middlecyclone 5
He probably just turns it off. I think the point of punching was because someone was touching his junk. I doubt the alarm clock does that.
ElmoSaysSquishy 28
7 you never know with new technology. It would definitely wake you up.
CaptTeemo 10
Does 27's alarm clock touch her..? Strange. Very strange.
whatsittuya 2
He Jackie chan, ninja chops that shit!
MDTeddy 13
He buys a new alarm clock everyday because he keeps a hammer next to it an smashes it.
Death_Hoe_Inn 10
That's sure a handy way to wake you up
Wheredidgrungego 12
Yeah the climax of this FML probably won't end with the dad cumming to his senses.
flutter4 7
You guys are bad lol
gc327072 31
I feel bad for OP's girlfriend, she was just trying to shake things up.
happle 21
I don't think that's the greatest way to "shake things up." I definitely wouldn't be happy if my boyfriend tried to wake me up by fingering me.
CDABXXX 5
56- I'm pretty sure 50 was using innuedo in his/her comment.
awebb21 7
Fast reflexes
Llamacod 11
they don't.
Futacy 30
^ What?
WritingWrongs 8
-11, she could be a hermaphrodite... Wait, what the hell are you talking about??
AKGirlinSD 20
Exactly! It sucks that his girlfriend got punched but she should feel comforted that her man is a protector. She should feel safe knowing that.
pennies_lane 6
Wait... you're a girl... and you have a penis?! :O
bestnameright 14
Lesbian I think
Quinn32 16
Um I am still not sure lesbian is the right word...
HappyPanda2016 14
Uhhm. Why would a girl have a penis?
thrAsHeRr9081 16
19 - Meant to thumb you up, sorry :( 11 - What FML are you reading? No one said anything about female penises.
Kaatosade 9
Tell him a dog pawed her where she was hit. Dogs can be brutal when they want attention.
kateelizabeth 6
Yeah, but not brutal enough to leave a big, nasty bruise; unless of course they bite you, but no dog I've known bites for attention... Anyways, what if she can't be around dogs because allergies or the fact she may just really hate them?
FYLDipShit 4
Each time I get on here I get more and more disappointed in humanity...
CallMeMcFeelii 14
26 you need to go to Instagram. You'll definitely lose faith in humanity then.
Kaatosade 9
25- they can be. I've had a dog headbutt me and give me an awful black eye before. It was really just a silly remark. But that's what excuses are for right? Certainly can't hurt OP in this case, if his wife's forgiven him!
Trix_Disorder 20
*girlfriend
mduffy08 8
Alright, if we are going to use retard logic, then just tell the father a bear mauled her in the face.
Kaatosade 9
Who says it needs to be logical? It's FML! I can roll with a bear mauling her face, that could be an interesting twist.
AKGirlinSD 20
82, you're starting to sound like Dwight, from The Office. Love it!
cyndasaur 10
I've been punched in the balls by a border collie. Big dogs can punch. HARD.
awebb21 7
That will be a weird explanation as to why you punched her :/
mduffy08 8
"She violated me!"
Carmstro 13
There are only so many stories you can make up... But definitely don't tell the truth in this case...
Dory123 9
You guys have a lot of explaining to do, if she really forgives you, maybe ask her to make up a story of how it happened?
Factor_fml 6
So not only she got punched, she now has to lie?
pink_raindrops 26
Unless she feels like telling her father she was giving him a hand job when it happened, she kinda does. I know I wouldn't want to tell my parents any detail about my sex life. It could easily turn into a funny story for themselves, or maybe shared with a friend, but no parent wants to hear that about their kid.
Factor_fml 6
Why tell every detail? She could just say they had an accident in bed. Although, I wonder what OP does to his girlfriend when she hugs him in her sleep. Does she have to start being careful about where her hands are going now?
happle 21
40- I think he only punched her because she was giving him a handjob, not just touching him.
Senseless_487 29
They could always say he rolled over and elbowed her in his sleep. I did that to a girlfriend once. Complete accident, but it left a hell of a shiner.
T1A2Z3 35
I scared him while he was asleep and he punched me by accident. No lies. No sexual details.
justaguyonfmlya 9
Why the **** would you tell her dad
kathii01 20
I'm assuming he's talking about the black eye he gave her which her father will see.
Inheritance 10
I say blame it on a pole. Tricky bastards, never see them till its to late.
athlete1990 4
You don't have to tell her dad anything. Don't see her father until the Mark is gone. If you had plans, cancel them. If she lives at home, have her stay over for a few days until its gone. Use your brain.
Psych101 9
44- "I swear, the ****** came out if nowhere!"
soullessgingers 0
Last time you're getting one of those.
flutter4 7
At least a surprise one
cheshireau 26
I wouldn't of forgiven him. Screw that.
happle 21
51- Why not? I can't imagine someone having a good reaction to this sort of thing.
AH1Zviper 15
Guys, don't worry about her comment. According to her profile shes just a figment of our imagination. She's not real. SHE'S NOT REAL.
BulldogHoops 14
51- So one honest mistake and you "dump his ass"? Good luck making it through a relationship like that.