Today, my wife found out my son masturbated and wanted to send him to counseling. Thinking she was overreacting, I told her I masturbated when I was a teen so he should turn out like me. She began sobbing uncontrollably. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I caught my young son watching porn so, not wanting to give him a warped view of sex and love, I was giving him the proper sex talk when my religious mother walked in, realised what we were talking about, and started screaming about sin and hell and diseases, and he ran off crying. FML
Today, my mom told my boyfriend all about how she had to be a parent volunteer when I was in kindergarten. Apparently I used to masturbate in class by rubbing myself against the edges of chairs and tables. The teacher thought it would be best if my mom was there to make me stop. FML
Today, my wife caught me masturbating to porn. She screamed at me and asked why I would be masturbating when I had her to have sex with. So I asked if she wanted to have sex, she said no. FML
Today, I had to explain to my sobbing teenage daughter why you can't get pregnant from masturbating. FML
Today, my son walked in on me masturbating. Now, whenever I don't do whatever he wants, he blackmails me. FML
Today, I woke up to my wife yelling at my 11-year-old because she found porn on the laptop. Now I have to come clean and tell her it was me so I can get him off the hook. FML
Today, my mother caught me masturbating. Trying to defuse the awkward tension, I said "Oh, I was just thinking about you!" Not a good idea. FML
Today, after discovering that our son is already sexually active, I asked my husband to have a talk with him. "Remember, son, it's all about the clit", wasn't what I had in mind. FML
Today, I found my son's porn. I would sit him down for a talk, but the genres were so disturbing that I'm afraid to even ask about it. FML
Today, I found out that my wife had an affair with our marriage counselor. FML
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Top comments
sportmaster525 0
wow that is one super conservative wife
blah123blah 0
LOL! Its kinda natural...
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Comments (194)
cherrypieguy 0
Dolphins do it for fun <==3
cherrypieguy 0
Lolzroflpwned noon
FuzzyWalnuts 0
Yea, either shes a Jesus freak, or shes just an idiot that needs to stop overreacting. All guys slap the ham.
bexox 0
Didn't you see where he said "(sarcasm)"? Yeah, the whole thing is for humor. It's a joke. A sarcastic joke.
KillaKingPerrie 4
slap her across the face and tell her to make you a sammich.
stringoffail 0
This is a serious request for the OP. Can you post your mailing address? Your wife is ****ing mentally ill and I would like to send her a 'get well' card. Jesus Tapdancing Christ. Only in America... a country founded by bastards so uptight and sexually repressed, the British kicked them out.
cabernet 0
Meh, get her a vibrator. Then she'll understand.
laxmiddie36 0
you and me baby we ain't nothin but mammals so let's do it like they do on the discovery channel. haha I remember when I was young I used to wake up with morning wood an think my penis was full of pee. good times both comments were both off topic but whatever
whiskeyloverrrr 0
i commented earlier, but i had another thought. your wife probably SUCKS in bed! if she thinks masturbation is bad she probably thinks anything beyond missionary is horrible too...and she probably doesn't suck your dick :( i'm so sorry i hate when women are uptight like this. it makes the rest of us look bad... FYL
cr1sis 0
wtf does she sob about all teenagers then? xD