Today, my wife found out my son masturbated and wanted to send him to counseling. Thinking she was overreacting, I told her I masturbated when I was a teen so he should turn out like me. She began sobbing uncontrollably. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, I caught my young son watching porn so, not wanting to give him a warped view of sex and love, I was giving him the proper sex talk when my religious mother walked in, realised what we were talking about, and started screaming about sin and hell and diseases, and he ran off crying. FML
Today, my mom told my boyfriend all about how she had to be a parent volunteer when I was in kindergarten. Apparently I used to masturbate in class by rubbing myself against the edges of chairs and tables. The teacher thought it would be best if my mom was there to make me stop. FML
Today, my wife caught me masturbating to porn. She screamed at me and asked why I would be masturbating when I had her to have sex with. So I asked if she wanted to have sex, she said no. FML
Today, I had to explain to my sobbing teenage daughter why you can't get pregnant from masturbating. FML
Today, my son walked in on me masturbating. Now, whenever I don't do whatever he wants, he blackmails me. FML
Today, I woke up to my wife yelling at my 11-year-old because she found porn on the laptop. Now I have to come clean and tell her it was me so I can get him off the hook. FML
Today, my mother caught me masturbating. Trying to defuse the awkward tension, I said "Oh, I was just thinking about you!" Not a good idea. FML
Today, after discovering that our son is already sexually active, I asked my husband to have a talk with him. "Remember, son, it's all about the clit", wasn't what I had in mind. FML
Today, I found my son's porn. I would sit him down for a talk, but the genres were so disturbing that I'm afraid to even ask about it. FML
Today, I found out that my wife had an affair with our marriage counselor. FML
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Top comments
sportmaster525 0
wow that is one super conservative wife
blah123blah 0
LOL! Its kinda natural...
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Comments (194)
mopho 0
Counselor: "How does it make you feel when you **********?" ROFL
travitoninja99 0
Your wife is f***ing retarded. Divorce and marry a non religious woman.
nikktherocker 0
Your wife is insane. How is she supposed to learn to knock? That's how my mom learned. :-) Teaches your son to make sure the door is locked every time! lol. Seriously though, divorce the psycho. Probably a fundie too.
wolfman1224 0
Did you know that boys with down syndrome cant stop masturbating their penises and therefore have to have a special powder applied to their hands that gives them sand-paper-like qualities? Because if they did do this the kids would ********** until they had rubbed every bit of skin off of their penises.
jewelzgalore 0
98% of males **********.
AlexV_fml 0
100% of males**
bexox 0
74% of statistics are made up on the spot.
justanotherhuman 21
but only 50% of the time >.>
meme3 0
So you are saying you don't aim it when you pee or dig it out of your pants to initiate urination... I find that hard to believe.
ElNegroHombre 0
Your wifes a dumbass every guy masterbates he's fine.
I_am_Lathan 0
YDI for marrying a dumbass
elemandem 0
My question is, would she rather have him having sex then? ************ is safer that having sex since there are no risks of STI's or pregnancy. Everyone has to get some sexual relief.
Shyman4ever 0
Your wife is crazy, I hate religious idiots that think ************ is a crime. ************ is natural.
jumpman3000 0
wtf are you talking about, where is religion even mentioned.
deathproof_fml 0
There was nothing about religion in the entire thing you ******* dumbass. Go burn some crosses if you hate religion so much.