Today, my wife found out my son masturbated and wanted to send him to counseling. Thinking she was overreacting, I told her I masturbated when I was a teen so he should turn out like me. She began sobbing uncontrollably. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I caught my young son watching porn so, not wanting to give him a warped view of sex and love, I was giving him the proper sex talk when my religious mother walked in, realised what we were talking about, and started screaming about sin and hell and diseases, and he ran off crying. FML
Today, my mom told my boyfriend all about how she had to be a parent volunteer when I was in kindergarten. Apparently I used to masturbate in class by rubbing myself against the edges of chairs and tables. The teacher thought it would be best if my mom was there to make me stop. FML
Today, my wife caught me masturbating to porn. She screamed at me and asked why I would be masturbating when I had her to have sex with. So I asked if she wanted to have sex, she said no. FML
Today, I had to explain to my sobbing teenage daughter why you can't get pregnant from masturbating. FML
Today, my son walked in on me masturbating. Now, whenever I don't do whatever he wants, he blackmails me. FML
Today, I woke up to my wife yelling at my 11-year-old because she found porn on the laptop. Now I have to come clean and tell her it was me so I can get him off the hook. FML
Today, my mother caught me masturbating. Trying to defuse the awkward tension, I said "Oh, I was just thinking about you!" Not a good idea. FML
Today, after discovering that our son is already sexually active, I asked my husband to have a talk with him. "Remember, son, it's all about the clit", wasn't what I had in mind. FML
Today, I found my son's porn. I would sit him down for a talk, but the genres were so disturbing that I'm afraid to even ask about it. FML
Today, I found out that my wife had an affair with our marriage counselor. FML
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Top comments
sportmaster525 0
wow that is one super conservative wife
blah123blah 0
LOL! Its kinda natural...
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Comments (194)
xchd22x 0
masturbation is the best sensation in the nation next to penetration
EveryDayJackAss 0
lol seriously? every fkin mammal i know of do it .....yes even the unfortunate species called "Special Eds" if they watch enough monkey **** to do so that is :D and in all seriousness .....NOT jacking off MIGHT result in blue balls(look it up rtards) which hurts like hell unless you **********....so theres pretty much nothing to lose.....except for the fact that some people get a horrible feeling after doing so because they're like "WTF DID I JUST DO!?" and there goes the emoness ^_^ so remember kids! JACKING OFF IS FUN AND HEALTHY FOR YOU SO TRY IT EVERYDAY WHILE IMAGINING THE BEAUTIFUL IMAGE OF HAVING SEX WITH A GIRL YOU PROBABLY NEVER GOING TO EVEN GET CLOSE TO CUZ YOU SUX AT LIFE LOLZ XD and that is our today's lesson, please join us later at fmylife.com as another poor soul gets ****** over quite literally by everyday life experiences
FoundManyLemons 0
DTMFA and sue for custody, for both you and your son's sanity. 'Cause that's ****** up.
DrMorbid 0
Your wife is hypocrytical piece of shit! EVERYONE masturbates and it's perfectly natural. I bet she masturbates 5 times a day.
ZombieTurtle 0
Divorce that crazy shit.
Jman21 0
Where you a serial materbater or something
kassa_fml 0
wow, your typical right-wing christian american. FYL for being married to a woman like that.
cmac86 24
good for you getting her out of that "perfect little life" bubble. she probably wears pearls and a dress all day long. you call her mrs cleaver?
cmac86 24
285 I take offense to that. I am a Christian, right wing and American. I am nothing like that! I don't know of anybody who is except on Leave it to Beacer.
kukopia 0
The WHOLE family NEEDS to go to counceling!! The mom 'cause she delusionallty thinks autoerotica is abnormal. The dad 'cause he's not man enough to tell his wife he's been masturbating regularly since being a teen (and probably will for life). And the kid... 'cause with parents like that he's gotta be all kinds of emotionally convulted.