Today, I returned from a long business trip a day early to surprise my wife. She was sleeping, so I climbed into bed and started spooning her. Thinking I was an intruder, she simultaneously kicked me in the groin, elbowed me in the ribs, and smacked the back of her head into my jaw. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, before I went to work, I wanted to kiss my wife goodbye while she was asleep, She punched me. FML
Today, I woke up my girlfriend up with a cute kiss. She was apparently having a bad dream and headbutted me. FML
Today, I leaned over my sleeping girlfriend, kissed her cheek and told her I love her. She punched me in the ear. FML
Today, my girlfriend snuck up behind me to cover my eyes and play "guess who." The second her hands touched my face, I grabbed her, twisted her wrists, and kneed her to the floor out of instinct. FML
Today, while my girlfriend and I were making out, she went to fix the pillow behind her head and punched me straight in the face. FML
Today, my wife woke me up by punching me in the balls. Apparently, while I was napping on the sofa, she came in and decided to lie with her head in my lap. While she was scrolling TikTok I sleep-farted on her head, so she punched me. I was asleep, so I feel like the victim here, I call bullshit! FML
Today, I came home from work. I crept up to the bedroom to gently wake up my girlfriend. I touch her shoulder and slowly leant in to give her a tender kiss. She suddenly wakes up and grabs me by the throat... I keep forgetting she's in the army. FML
Today, my wife woke me up, saying her husband was home and that I needed to escape before he caught me. I was still struggling with the window when I remembered I’m her husband and she was laughing, filming my half-asleep ass trying to escape from being caught by myself cheating with my own wife. Duh. FML
Today, I woke up after my pregnant fiancée punched me in the face. Apparently, I rolled over in my sleep and knocked her out of bed. She is still pissed about it. FML
Today, my girlfriend and I took a nap on my couch. She used my arm as a pillow, and everything was pretty peaceful, until she moved over and practically dislocated my shoulder. My screams of pain woke her, which was apparently an "asshole move" on my part. FML
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Top comments
Javier6597 19
At least you know that she wont get robbed without fighting back
lotrgeek 10
At least she's not having an affair?
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Comments (150)
JasonUMN 15
I thought this would have a completely different ending.
k_lylepad 19
Welcome home honey?
imbedderdenu 23
wow! nice moves! you should be proud of her! get an ice pack and this woman a Hi5 dude! @ least you know she can take care of herself!
SasquatchDeluxe 10
As hard as it may be to believe, some people don't like surprises and don't understand immediately when awoken in a situation they don't expect. At least she has shown she knows how to defend herself against a rapist. YDI, and should be glad a) she doesn't use a gun for self-defense, and b) you didn't find her in bed with some other guy.
xcam1995 6
How does he deserve it? Surprises can be romantic. Situations like this are why you put a mirror over the headboard and speak before you smash. Kudos to you for trying OP. Your wife is just too boss for all that old school sex.
TheLadyOpal 30
Seeing as he specified that his wife would be surprised at him coming home early, he deserves it for not thinking his actions through. She wakes up to find someone spooning her, of course her first thought wouldn't be that it was her husband.
ni0ve 9
at least she didnt call out another man's name
QueenVicHop 12
Wow, that didn't end the way I thought it would. I thought OP was going to talk about how there was someone else in the bed or something. OP may be a little sore, but at least she can hold down the fort :)
davikiin 6
So now you know she doesn't have a lover coming over.
vintaqe 28
Doesn't matter, had sex.
CoGhostRider 31
At least she wasnt cheating
Korra_fml 23
well OP, i'd say u certainly surprised her... but on the bright side, at least she knows how to defend herself