Today, I returned from a long business trip a day early to surprise my wife. She was sleeping, so I climbed into bed and started spooning her. Thinking I was an intruder, she simultaneously kicked me in the groin, elbowed me in the ribs, and smacked the back of her head into my jaw. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, before I went to work, I wanted to kiss my wife goodbye while she was asleep, She punched me. FML
Today, I woke up my girlfriend up with a cute kiss. She was apparently having a bad dream and headbutted me. FML
Today, I leaned over my sleeping girlfriend, kissed her cheek and told her I love her. She punched me in the ear. FML
Today, my girlfriend snuck up behind me to cover my eyes and play "guess who." The second her hands touched my face, I grabbed her, twisted her wrists, and kneed her to the floor out of instinct. FML
Today, while my girlfriend and I were making out, she went to fix the pillow behind her head and punched me straight in the face. FML
Today, my wife woke me up by punching me in the balls. Apparently, while I was napping on the sofa, she came in and decided to lie with her head in my lap. While she was scrolling TikTok I sleep-farted on her head, so she punched me. I was asleep, so I feel like the victim here, I call bullshit! FML
Today, I came home from work. I crept up to the bedroom to gently wake up my girlfriend. I touch her shoulder and slowly leant in to give her a tender kiss. She suddenly wakes up and grabs me by the throat... I keep forgetting she's in the army. FML
Today, my wife woke me up, saying her husband was home and that I needed to escape before he caught me. I was still struggling with the window when I remembered I’m her husband and she was laughing, filming my half-asleep ass trying to escape from being caught by myself cheating with my own wife. Duh. FML
Today, I woke up after my pregnant fiancée punched me in the face. Apparently, I rolled over in my sleep and knocked her out of bed. She is still pissed about it. FML
Today, my girlfriend and I took a nap on my couch. She used my arm as a pillow, and everything was pretty peaceful, until she moved over and practically dislocated my shoulder. My screams of pain woke her, which was apparently an "asshole move" on my part. FML
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Top comments
Javier6597 19
At least you know that she wont get robbed without fighting back
lotrgeek 10
At least she's not having an affair?
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Comments (150)
cheezitz59 10
This seems very familiar, but I might have seen it in the moderator section :/
tewa21 12
At least she has the karate moves.
ZBR39 4
At least you know she wasn't expecting some one else!
Meisliz 8
on the upside, at least you know she isn't cheating on you :) after all, she didn't say some other guy's name
MDTeddy 13
Next time let her know are home.
djinnyf 12
At least she didn't seem to be expecting anybody else!!!
melkymac101 17
You better be happy. Some guys come home and their wive have different men in the bed
assassinthefirst 5
I was totally thinking that this FML would go in a completely different direction. Cheer up OP. I'd be proud of my wife if she did that :)
nurchok 15
At least she didn't call you someone else... :)
jennycoral 12
Your life doesn't suck she wasn't cheating and you spooned her! I want a marriage like yours!