Today, I returned from a long business trip a day early to surprise my wife. She was sleeping, so I climbed into bed and started spooning her. Thinking I was an intruder, she simultaneously kicked me in the groin, elbowed me in the ribs, and smacked the back of her head into my jaw. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, before I went to work, I wanted to kiss my wife goodbye while she was asleep, She punched me. FML
Today, I woke up my girlfriend up with a cute kiss. She was apparently having a bad dream and headbutted me. FML
Today, I leaned over my sleeping girlfriend, kissed her cheek and told her I love her. She punched me in the ear. FML
Today, my girlfriend snuck up behind me to cover my eyes and play "guess who." The second her hands touched my face, I grabbed her, twisted her wrists, and kneed her to the floor out of instinct. FML
Today, while my girlfriend and I were making out, she went to fix the pillow behind her head and punched me straight in the face. FML
Today, my wife woke me up by punching me in the balls. Apparently, while I was napping on the sofa, she came in and decided to lie with her head in my lap. While she was scrolling TikTok I sleep-farted on her head, so she punched me. I was asleep, so I feel like the victim here, I call bullshit! FML
Today, I came home from work. I crept up to the bedroom to gently wake up my girlfriend. I touch her shoulder and slowly leant in to give her a tender kiss. She suddenly wakes up and grabs me by the throat... I keep forgetting she's in the army. FML
Today, my wife woke me up, saying her husband was home and that I needed to escape before he caught me. I was still struggling with the window when I remembered I’m her husband and she was laughing, filming my half-asleep ass trying to escape from being caught by myself cheating with my own wife. Duh. FML
Today, I woke up after my pregnant fiancée punched me in the face. Apparently, I rolled over in my sleep and knocked her out of bed. She is still pissed about it. FML
Today, my girlfriend and I took a nap on my couch. She used my arm as a pillow, and everything was pretty peaceful, until she moved over and practically dislocated my shoulder. My screams of pain woke her, which was apparently an "asshole move" on my part. FML
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Top comments
Javier6597 19
At least you know that she wont get robbed without fighting back
lotrgeek 10
At least she's not having an affair?
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Comments (150)
Javier6597 19
At least you know that she wont get robbed without fighting back
Pesticides 19
or forcefully cuddled!
hemz_fml 13
That's one helluva struggle snuggle
FiFiLovee 26
Damn OP, can I take lessons from your wife? :o
Royalistic 8
She's a keeper.
Zimmington 21
Plus he knows she's not cheating
LMFAOwned 9
Well at least you know your wife will be fine when you're away! :D
commonlogicz42 6
Sounds like he married Jason Bourne.
ironichalibut 24
You mean Jessica Bourne? Nice lady..
kaitieloo 22
At least you know she'll be safe when there is an actual intruder...
AssTard 15
Do actual intruders crawl in bed with her and spoon her?
Nyx_fml 23
Even intruders need love.
whyusofat 17
Hes climbin yo windows snatchin yo people up tryna rape em... You guys could finish it right?
lengi123 18
tough love?
patrickalamo 48
Love hurts...
lotrgeek 10
At least she's not having an affair?
lilhellian 27
Atleast she wasn't jane the killer.
skyttlz 32
I'd thought this was gonna say he caught someone else in bed with her.
MeowZebraMeow 7
58 - Me too! Congratulations, OP; Your wife is faithful.
Myo_fml 20
Yeah, in my variation, OP managed to lie right on top of him. That'd be surprising enough.
Ki11erC 18
Must say halfway through reading the FML I assumed this would be how it ended. Nice to hear its not for once ;)
olpally 33
Well, good to know she can protect the house like a boss! :D haha. Damn, that had to hurt though! Lol
ohSNAPyall 27
I can protect the house in my sleep!
Kiki242 19
Are you married to the Black Widow?
Trisha_aus 15
No, Batman.
JBChristian 47
Not a widow if she's married... xD
Mossears133 15
It sounds more like he's married to Gracie Hart (she remembered S.I.N.G. - well, she forgot the I)
RoboCunnilingus 23
On the bright side, she can protect you from evil. She's like the Fifth Element.
puggypark 14
:/ sucks to sucks
Trisha_aus 15
uhm.. what?
CallMeMcFeelii 14
This has to be one of the most influential comments I've ever read. I will, from this day forth, live my life by the code of sucks to sucks!
hcollins1 18
Go home 9, you're drunk.
justmeCee 16
HAHAHA@ #43
PrincessPinkyPie 6
Thats shitty deal. But least you kno she can take care of her self
NoMore_CoolNames 14
Was putting a "w" there too much work?
dontgivafuk 9
apparently the "w" was just too much work!