Today, I came home from work. I crept up to the bedroom to gently wake up my girlfriend. I touch her shoulder and slowly leant in to give her a tender kiss. She suddenly wakes up and grabs me by the throat... I keep forgetting she's in the army. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, I woke up my girlfriend up with a cute kiss. She was apparently having a bad dream and headbutted me. FML
Today, I leaned over my sleeping girlfriend, kissed her cheek and told her I love her. She punched me in the ear. FML
Today, before I went to work, I wanted to kiss my wife goodbye while she was asleep, She punched me. FML
Today, I returned from a long business trip a day early to surprise my wife. She was sleeping, so I climbed into bed and started spooning her. Thinking I was an intruder, she simultaneously kicked me in the groin, elbowed me in the ribs, and smacked the back of her head into my jaw. FML
Today, I lay in bed reflecting on my fiancé's complaint about my lack of displays of affection. I felt terrible, so I rolled over and hugged him in his sleep. He's a fully trained martial artist and his immediate reaction was to try to snap my neck. FML
Today, my girlfriend snuck up behind me to cover my eyes and play "guess who." The second her hands touched my face, I grabbed her, twisted her wrists, and kneed her to the floor out of instinct. FML
Today, I was woken up by my wife softly kissing me on the lips. Half asleep, I kissed her back, before quickly opening my eyes and realising it wasn't my wife; it was my dog. FML
Today, just after waking up, I caught a glimpse of my girlfriend in the mirror. Not knowing I was awake, she sniffed at her armpits, started gagging, then quietly came back to bed. FML
Today, I was woken up by my dog touching my foot, so I tried to push it away. Then I realized that I'd kicked my girlfriend in the face. FML
Today, sleeping in a little late, I was woken up by my phone. Still tired, I quickly checked the display to realize it was my girlfriend calling. I pick up the phone saying, "Hey baby girl!" She seemed pretty startled, so I double-checked and realized it was my new boss, who has the name as my girlfriend. FML
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Top comments
hailhall 0
hahha when my brother came home after boot camp he said dont come to my bed and shake me to wake up. if anything flick the light on and yell at me
wira176 2
I have the same experience but with my Dad. He practiced Silat throughout his youth and his sense of awareness is off the charts - one time I tried waking me up by shaking him he proceeded to knock my ass off the floor before fully waking up. Nowadays I just gently tickle his big toe but from a safe distance.
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Comments (91)
hailhall 0
hahha when my brother came home after boot camp he said dont come to my bed and shake me to wake up. if anything flick the light on and yell at me
fsebastianslife 0
she's in the army? well then i guess f her life lol. PS: first leech! lol jk ;)
marleytooyou 0
tottaly not an fml get over it ya pussy
KinqLeo610 0
Lol the army's 4 ******* join the marines!!
just_dandy20 2
#71 I bet you're not in either branch, Army nor Marines. Asshole, grow up!
maiden_girl 5
Lol @ 2... wow...
GiddyXD 0
WTF?
cars819 0
ehm haha your number 2 lol
Eir_fml 1
I like the yelling idea in 3. 5 is amusing, and I agree a bit, having a girl like that would be... interesting.
Jason_fml 0
I call BS
raybillionbongen 0
wow
0___0 9
she sounds hot 0.0 even though im a girl
ZleveL 0
now THATs hoy
TheBonzaiGirl 0
Totally hoy
WTF_BRAIN 11
Too hoy for me, I'm out
Tyler_Durden_fml 0
i'd kill for a girl like that. hehe...kill...worst joke ever
AlterFukiinRoccz 0
haha wtf??
wira176 2
I have the same experience but with my Dad. He practiced Silat throughout his youth and his sense of awareness is off the charts - one time I tried waking me up by shaking him he proceeded to knock my ass off the floor before fully waking up. Nowadays I just gently tickle his big toe but from a safe distance.
citrus915 0
LOOOOOL
lovemischa 0
I'm about to join the air force. So, this is what I get to look forward to lol.
DingoCJ 15
No, getting paid to fly a desk and sleep in luxury won't exactly do that to you.. Pick a real service or stay on civvie street
Szaszaspasz 26
Why "dig in" when you can "check in?"
Boomi 39
My stepfather used to be in the Air Force. He has the strength of a butterfly.
could_be_funny 0
haha @10 that's awesome but yeah, that's pretty awesome having a girlfriend that could possibly kick your ass (but still feminine at the same time), I'm not one for those high maintenance girl
RugbyDuckHooah 0
I'm joinin the Army next semester I hope I don't get this way
cassiesandra 0
you will. I'm sorry. you can take measures to prevent it but all of us are jumpy. :) even paper pushers.