Today, I returned from a long business trip a day early to surprise my wife. She was sleeping, so I climbed into bed and started spooning her. Thinking I was an intruder, she simultaneously kicked me in the groin, elbowed me in the ribs, and smacked the back of her head into my jaw. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, before I went to work, I wanted to kiss my wife goodbye while she was asleep, She punched me. FML
Today, I woke up my girlfriend up with a cute kiss. She was apparently having a bad dream and headbutted me. FML
Today, I leaned over my sleeping girlfriend, kissed her cheek and told her I love her. She punched me in the ear. FML
Today, my girlfriend snuck up behind me to cover my eyes and play "guess who." The second her hands touched my face, I grabbed her, twisted her wrists, and kneed her to the floor out of instinct. FML
Today, while my girlfriend and I were making out, she went to fix the pillow behind her head and punched me straight in the face. FML
Today, my wife woke me up by punching me in the balls. Apparently, while I was napping on the sofa, she came in and decided to lie with her head in my lap. While she was scrolling TikTok I sleep-farted on her head, so she punched me. I was asleep, so I feel like the victim here, I call bullshit! FML
Today, I came home from work. I crept up to the bedroom to gently wake up my girlfriend. I touch her shoulder and slowly leant in to give her a tender kiss. She suddenly wakes up and grabs me by the throat... I keep forgetting she's in the army. FML
Today, my wife woke me up, saying her husband was home and that I needed to escape before he caught me. I was still struggling with the window when I remembered I’m her husband and she was laughing, filming my half-asleep ass trying to escape from being caught by myself cheating with my own wife. Duh. FML
Today, I woke up after my pregnant fiancée punched me in the face. Apparently, I rolled over in my sleep and knocked her out of bed. She is still pissed about it. FML
Today, my girlfriend and I took a nap on my couch. She used my arm as a pillow, and everything was pretty peaceful, until she moved over and practically dislocated my shoulder. My screams of pain woke her, which was apparently an "asshole move" on my part. FML
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Top comments
Javier6597 19
At least you know that she wont get robbed without fighting back
lotrgeek 10
At least she's not having an affair?
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Comments (150)
gemstone586 12
I gave you a YDI because i would do the exact same thing! We may be tough, staying home alone, but that doesn't mean we're not on our guard! I keep meaning to tell my husband never surprise me, but i think he knows better.
AtomicDiamond87 15
Most men should know not to surprise a woman when she's home alone. They should know alot of women aren't weak. :)
seriouslypony 9
If she started getting it on without confirming your identity, then you have a real problem.
kurodansei 16
Those anti rape classes showing up on your joint account are working I see.
blah2112 11
Surprise!
thehuntress309 12
Well at least she didn't shoot you!
gczizza1997 15
I'm Just happy this isn't an Fml about a cheating wife
Trisha_aus 15
yeah I really thought it was going to be another cheater...thankfully she's just good at fighting.
kee_breezy32 34
it gets annoying seeing all these FML's about a wife cheating with her husbands brother/cousin/friend/etc.
Jazer22 10
Rough sex, that's what you should go for.
jayellef 3
I would have done the same thing. You're coming home a day early, nice thought but still she was scared. At least you didn't come home to her in bed with another person. Now THAT'S a FML
imagineapc 11
My boyfriend came home from a business trip a day early once. He called first because he knew I would beat him with a golf club had he just walked in the house.
dontgivafuk 9
this isn't about you. no one cares and you don't have a boyfriend... go home.
imtooshy 18
You should now feel pretty comfortable going away on any other future trips knowing she can take care of herself. I hope she was sweet enough to make it up to you once she realized who you were.
littlexlune 16
She gonna survive.