Today, I returned from a long business trip a day early to surprise my wife. She was sleeping, so I climbed into bed and started spooning her. Thinking I was an intruder, she simultaneously kicked me in the groin, elbowed me in the ribs, and smacked the back of her head into my jaw. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, before I went to work, I wanted to kiss my wife goodbye while she was asleep, She punched me. FML
Today, I woke up my girlfriend up with a cute kiss. She was apparently having a bad dream and headbutted me. FML
Today, I leaned over my sleeping girlfriend, kissed her cheek and told her I love her. She punched me in the ear. FML
Today, my girlfriend snuck up behind me to cover my eyes and play "guess who." The second her hands touched my face, I grabbed her, twisted her wrists, and kneed her to the floor out of instinct. FML
Today, while my girlfriend and I were making out, she went to fix the pillow behind her head and punched me straight in the face. FML
Today, my wife woke me up by punching me in the balls. Apparently, while I was napping on the sofa, she came in and decided to lie with her head in my lap. While she was scrolling TikTok I sleep-farted on her head, so she punched me. I was asleep, so I feel like the victim here, I call bullshit! FML
Today, I came home from work. I crept up to the bedroom to gently wake up my girlfriend. I touch her shoulder and slowly leant in to give her a tender kiss. She suddenly wakes up and grabs me by the throat... I keep forgetting she's in the army. FML
Today, my wife woke me up, saying her husband was home and that I needed to escape before he caught me. I was still struggling with the window when I remembered I’m her husband and she was laughing, filming my half-asleep ass trying to escape from being caught by myself cheating with my own wife. Duh. FML
Today, I woke up after my pregnant fiancée punched me in the face. Apparently, I rolled over in my sleep and knocked her out of bed. She is still pissed about it. FML
Today, my girlfriend and I took a nap on my couch. She used my arm as a pillow, and everything was pretty peaceful, until she moved over and practically dislocated my shoulder. My screams of pain woke her, which was apparently an "asshole move" on my part. FML
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Top comments
Javier6597 19
At least you know that she wont get robbed without fighting back
lotrgeek 10
At least she's not having an affair?
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Comments (150)
jessica53139 10
At least you know she can protect herself while your gone
spikekutter 9
i thought the fml was going to say that he showed up in the wrong house..
erict129 2
Atleast there wasn't someone else in the bed with her.
Ratstroke 9
Shes a master of the sleeping tiger style, didnt you know?
MuseFan1991 14
good on your wife for defending herself! id do the same in her situation id like to think
schambers23 4
And at least she was alone in bed
rhevenge 19
well you don't have to worry about her!
buddy51 23
Good thing she didn't use grammaw's bloody pool cue on you! But seriously, OP, sneaking up on someone who's sleeping and assuming the position definitely earns you a great big YDI along with the serious beat down she gave you....!!!
vintaqe 28
Doesn't matter, had sex.
Wakachulak 22
If OP got it up after a kick to the sack, then these two are the definition of "made for each other"!
vintaqe 28
Nothing wrong with some rough lovin'
cha2010chi 10
well at least you know she can woops some ass if someone did break in.