Today, I returned from a long business trip a day early to surprise my wife. She was sleeping, so I climbed into bed and started spooning her. Thinking I was an intruder, she simultaneously kicked me in the groin, elbowed me in the ribs, and smacked the back of her head into my jaw. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, before I went to work, I wanted to kiss my wife goodbye while she was asleep, She punched me. FML
Today, I woke up my girlfriend up with a cute kiss. She was apparently having a bad dream and headbutted me. FML
Today, I leaned over my sleeping girlfriend, kissed her cheek and told her I love her. She punched me in the ear. FML
Today, my girlfriend snuck up behind me to cover my eyes and play "guess who." The second her hands touched my face, I grabbed her, twisted her wrists, and kneed her to the floor out of instinct. FML
Today, while my girlfriend and I were making out, she went to fix the pillow behind her head and punched me straight in the face. FML
Today, my wife woke me up by punching me in the balls. Apparently, while I was napping on the sofa, she came in and decided to lie with her head in my lap. While she was scrolling TikTok I sleep-farted on her head, so she punched me. I was asleep, so I feel like the victim here, I call bullshit! FML
Today, I came home from work. I crept up to the bedroom to gently wake up my girlfriend. I touch her shoulder and slowly leant in to give her a tender kiss. She suddenly wakes up and grabs me by the throat... I keep forgetting she's in the army. FML
Today, my wife woke me up, saying her husband was home and that I needed to escape before he caught me. I was still struggling with the window when I remembered I’m her husband and she was laughing, filming my half-asleep ass trying to escape from being caught by myself cheating with my own wife. Duh. FML
Today, I woke up after my pregnant fiancée punched me in the face. Apparently, I rolled over in my sleep and knocked her out of bed. She is still pissed about it. FML
Today, my girlfriend and I took a nap on my couch. She used my arm as a pillow, and everything was pretty peaceful, until she moved over and practically dislocated my shoulder. My screams of pain woke her, which was apparently an "asshole move" on my part. FML
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Top comments
Javier6597 19
At least you know that she wont get robbed without fighting back
lotrgeek 10
At least she's not having an affair?
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Comments (150)
vencku 13
I was thinking the same as many other people but then realised how cynical we all are. "Be happy she wasn't cheating." It's almost like we expect everyone to do sleep with someone else the minute their partner is out of the house. It -should- be normal that his wife was in bed alone yet.
Cinn_fml 23
Yes it should, but that wouldn't make an FML story now, would it? On FML you expect bad things in the story because otherwise it wouldn't be on here.
YawMoney 14
At least she's faithful. She's not expecting anyone
termin8tor786 10
Your punk arse got beat up by your wife LoL. Your wife is awesome!!
AustinDenton 22
At least you don"t have to worry about her having an affair.
Raykyogrou03 12
She must have the bed intruder song on replay
TheyCallMeDamien 18
Ya wife is bout it! So appreciate your good fortune. Her reaction was perfectly understandable.
wowthatissad 9
Haha. Wow. I feel bad for both of you. Your wife probably thought she was going to get raped and you got your ass kicked
dragonflyEvans 1
At least she didn't moan someone else's name! Be proud she can defend herself!
SexPot143 13
At least you know she probably isnt cheating
thatgirlincali 13
I want to say you deserved it, but you were just being a good husband by surprising her. Sorry OP, I hope nothing's broken.