Today, I returned from a long business trip a day early to surprise my wife. She was sleeping, so I climbed into bed and started spooning her. Thinking I was an intruder, she simultaneously kicked me in the groin, elbowed me in the ribs, and smacked the back of her head into my jaw. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, before I went to work, I wanted to kiss my wife goodbye while she was asleep, She punched me. FML
Today, I woke up my girlfriend up with a cute kiss. She was apparently having a bad dream and headbutted me. FML
Today, I leaned over my sleeping girlfriend, kissed her cheek and told her I love her. She punched me in the ear. FML
Today, my girlfriend snuck up behind me to cover my eyes and play "guess who." The second her hands touched my face, I grabbed her, twisted her wrists, and kneed her to the floor out of instinct. FML
Today, while my girlfriend and I were making out, she went to fix the pillow behind her head and punched me straight in the face. FML
Today, my wife woke me up by punching me in the balls. Apparently, while I was napping on the sofa, she came in and decided to lie with her head in my lap. While she was scrolling TikTok I sleep-farted on her head, so she punched me. I was asleep, so I feel like the victim here, I call bullshit! FML
Today, I came home from work. I crept up to the bedroom to gently wake up my girlfriend. I touch her shoulder and slowly leant in to give her a tender kiss. She suddenly wakes up and grabs me by the throat... I keep forgetting she's in the army. FML
Today, my wife woke me up, saying her husband was home and that I needed to escape before he caught me. I was still struggling with the window when I remembered I’m her husband and she was laughing, filming my half-asleep ass trying to escape from being caught by myself cheating with my own wife. Duh. FML
Today, I woke up after my pregnant fiancée punched me in the face. Apparently, I rolled over in my sleep and knocked her out of bed. She is still pissed about it. FML
Today, my girlfriend and I took a nap on my couch. She used my arm as a pillow, and everything was pretty peaceful, until she moved over and practically dislocated my shoulder. My screams of pain woke her, which was apparently an "asshole move" on my part. FML
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Top comments
Javier6597 19
At least you know that she wont get robbed without fighting back
lotrgeek 10
At least she's not having an affair?
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Comments (150)
1jordan1 11
At least you didn't end up spooning some random guy she decided to cheat on you with.
Ray_of_midnight 23
At least she didn't call you by a different name. You're also lucky she doesn't keep a gun in the nightstand drawer. (Yeah, yeah, I know, "Do not fire unless you are certain of your target and what is behind it", but people don't always go by the rules.)
hipposrock101 6
Could've been worse, could have caught her in bed with someone :P
TogeBara 12
Not sayin' you deserved it, but YDI
hunteryager 18
There's a button for that...
JRSOne 5
I know that sounds like a romantic notion but it also seems like a way to see if she's cheating. IMO but atleast you just physically hurt and not mentally lol
kee_breezy32 34
I wonder what OP's wife did when she figured out it was her husband?
paintballwarrior 20
You shoulda woken her up first
mollyjynxjax 28
Am I the only one who expected him to find her with someone else after he said he returned early?
CAJustise 9
Your wife is AWSOME! Congratulations!!
Happy_Tortuga 10
Well a least you know your wife is a ninja