Today, I rolled up a newspaper and smashed a huge spider in my room. As I went to scoop it up with a tissue, it lurched away and fell near my bed. I can't find it, but I can sure as fuck sense the pure evil coming from it. Looks like I'll be sleeping on the couch tonight. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I spotted a huge spider in my bedroom. I freaked out at first, but I managed to confront my arachnophobia and killed it with a book. I was ecstatic and went to tell my boyfriend. By the time I returned to my room, the "dead" spider had vanished. Now I'm too scared to sleep. FML
Today, I had to sleep on couch cushions on the kitchen floor because I saw a tiny spider crawl under my bed. FML
Today, I was laying on the couch, reading, when I noticed a spindly leg poking round the corner of my book. Upon realising it was a spider, I calmly and rationally threw my book across the room, breaking the TV. FML
Today, I saw a spider in my room. I got a piece of paper to try and put it outside. As I reached, it jumped out of nowhere and landed on my face. My reaction was to smack where the spider was - my face. I fell on the floor disoriented. The spider got away. FML
Today, I'm scared to leave my bedroom. During the night, what must have been a giant spider made a web 4 feet wide stretching from the lightbulb to the tv and then down to the desk corner. It's blocking my path to the door and I can't tell where the 8-legged bastard is hiding. FML
Today, I woke up to a spider crawling across my face. I was so shocked that my new house had spiders, I jumped up out of bed, only to slip on the floor and land face down onto the bed. Wouldn't you know it, right where the spider was at that point. I can still taste the juice I squished out of it. FML
Today, when I was laying in my bed, I looked on the opposite side and saw a spider the size of my palm staring at me. And if that wasn't bad, I found out it hops. I still can't find it. FML
Today, I saw a spider crawling on the floor but had nothing to kill it with and it hid somewhere. So, I got dressed and went out and come home for a shower, and as I'm taking off my undies, something crushed and black fell out. It was the spider and he had been in my underwear the entire day. FML
Today, I woke up and coughed up the spider I thought I'd killed last night. FML
Today, I was reaching into the floor vent in my toddler's room to retrieve some toys she'd dropped. What I found instead was a clump of large dead spiders. FML
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Top comments
cutycat136 28
Okay. Now just don't think of the size of that spider and its long legs taking it all the way to the couch tonight. Good luck OP :)
coming back in the future 30
Only in Australia.,
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Comments (69)
Britt125 16
Sleep on the couch? **** that, I'd get the hell out of that house faster than you can blink, and never go back until I had a flamethrower to burn the sucker down. I wouldn't trust the little ****** to not come find me while I was sleeping and vulnerable.
WattledParsley 11
Of ******* course it's in Australia.
whiter 13
Happened to me once too. Some say the spider still lives in my room plotting its vengeance...
False_Stupidity 42
Build a ring of fire around the couch and then a good solid ring of surface spray as well. Its the only way you can sleep peacefully on the couch. (Disclaimer: Surface spray may be flammable and result in a horrible fiery death.)
xluciferx666 21
Just abandon the house it belongs to the spider now
Ziggy122 15
If there's one thing I've learned from FML, it's that Australia is an arachnophobe's worst nightmare.
Levvy 22
Realy, irisiridescent? And what spider would that be? Is it a relative of the Two-Step Viper? Maybe the Hoop Snake? The jackalope? The Mothman? As I mentioned in a comment further down, the literal most venemous spider on the entire planet can't kill a healthy adult, and has literally not killed ANYONE (unhealthy or otherwise) since the development of antivenom. So I'd be absolutely fascinated to hear about this mythical terminator-spider that uses the same timetable as a pizza delivery joint that's apparently gone unnoticed by the entire field of zoology.
Wolfipoo 31
That's gotta be scary OP, hope you find it, or better yet, hope you find a small fire where it should be that puts itself after.
Scryll 17
5-10 minutes for that spider tops to make it to the couch good luck
rainbotato 14
this is why you must always confirm the kill
Jacei3eleren 2
spiders don't have the cognitive functions necessary to store memory much less a desire for vengeance. ..ull be fine.
Brandi_Faith 34
LIES!!
Levvy 22
Wow. People getting downvoted for literally not believing spiders can plot revenge. I know arachnophobia became trendy on the internet a while back, but man. Even the worst fashion cliques in the world aren't this aggressive in shouting down people who don't take part in them.