Today, I received a poorly-written letter from my asshole neighbor in which he threatened to "sew" me because my dog shat on his lawn again. I went over, asked if he needed some wool for his sewing, and told him to stop being an idiot. Now he's apparently hiring a lawyer for real. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I took my dog for a walk. He started crapping on someone's lawn, then I noticed that the owner was outside and giving me a death stare. Not knowing what to do, I picked up the crap with my bare hands. The man started laughing at me. FML
Today, after weeks of asking my neighbor nicely to pick up his dog’s crap out of the common area, I got fed up and reported him to the landlord and the city. He’s now been given two options; either get rid of his dog or move out. He’s now sworn revenge on me, even though he was the one being gross. FML
Today, tired of people letting their dogs crap in my yard, I sprinkled an assortment of crushed peppers around my lawn as a deterrent. One dog went to do its business and had some sort of allergic reaction. Now its bitchy owner is threatening to sue me, and tried to have her daughter kick my ass. FML
Today, I wanted revenge on my neighbor, whose dog craps in my yard, so I spent a day at the dog park gathering up dog shit. I piled it up by the property line and ran over it with the mower, intending to spray his driveway and car with turds. Instead, it gummed up the mower. Now it stinks too bad to fix. FML
Today, I asked my neighbor to kindly move his truck because it blocks my driveway and the side entrance to my yard. He responded by throwing a decapitated bird onto my front lawn and filing an injunction against me for stalking. FML
Today, I stepped into a pile of dog shit on my doorstep, along with a note saying, "Keep your dog out of my yard." I don't own a dog. FML
Today, I watched as my neighbor walked to my front lawn, looked me right in the eye, and pissed on my mailbox. FML
Today, I witnessed my neighbor draining his sewage-clogged plumbing into my backyard. FML
Today, I was screaming at my neighbor to shut his dog up. After 30 minutes of bellowing, he yelled back that it was my dog that was barking. He was right. FML
Today, I found out my dog is a felon. He broke into a neighbor's house by breaking in through the screen door. He also vandalized their property by shitting on their carpet. Our neighbors are now considering suing us. FML
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Top comments
Welshite 40
You, I like you. That's possibly the best come-back I've ever heard.
SgtAssCheeks 21
Probably called a Lolyer or some shit
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Comments (207)
Welshite 40
You, I like you. That's possibly the best come-back I've ever heard.
golden_warrior 23
I like that first part but calling him an idiot is a bit much. You don't want to provoke guys like that.
iknowiwantyou 13
HA sounds like something I'd do! OP if we ever met, we'd get along splendidly.
Ambient25 25
#43 Considering you were the girl who said she'd only marry a guy if he bought you a large ring in a previous FML, don't do it OP! It's a trap.
itskaybytheway 10
I'd do the same. You are awesome
iknowiwantyou 13
75 I never said I wouldn't marry a guy if he didn't get me a large ring, I said that I'd say no if I didn't like it. Is getting a ring that I'll like too much to ask for?!?!?!?! No.
Ambient25 25
What?!?! Here's exactly what you said. It was just a few days ago. "I feel like all the people who down voted 83 and 62 must be guys. But some guys are cheap and will buy a cheap ring that's probably just silver with a cubic zirconia stone. If I don't get the ring I like we're not getting married. Sorry for having standards. Not." Doesn't that make you sound just lovely. Not.
iknowiwantyou 13
100 did you really just go back all those FML's and retype what I said? I must say, you have a bit too much time on your hands. Either that or you're secretly keeping a stash of all the comments I've ever posted. Where does it say that I want a large ring?
Ambient25 25
Considering how adamant the guy was about "sewing" him, it's kind of OP's fault for pressing it.
Ambient25 25
Considering the neighbor was adamant about "sewing" OP, it's kind of OP's fault for pressing it.
fwongraven 10
Agreed. My engagement ring was cheap cubic zirconia and I treasured it beyond words; there's nothing loving about looking down at your ring and knowing your fiancé went bankrupt getting it for you. Even worse if you're looking down at the ring and knowing that you would have said "no" to a lifetime of marriage if it wasn't pretty enough.
XxDevilxXGt 26
You mean threading the needle.
cheleybelly 14
that's the best thing I've ever read on here!! but I'm pretty sure he can't actually "sew"you for anything from the sounds of this.
jkmartinjk 16
His username seals the deal here :D
duckymtz 12
#90 what happened to your right armpit? Photo shop gone bad?
tukies 28
This is amazing! Get your sweater from him. As for me I think I'm stealing this comeback if you don't mind. Well even if you do mind.
incoherentrmblr 22
You mean a "loiter," write?
incoherentrmblr 22
#119, Unless he's Leather Face from Texas Chainsaw Massacre
domolovesyoshi 33
exactly, you knit with wool, you don't sew with it.
feelingold 18
WTF. Your dog is ******** on other people's property and (presumably) you're not clearing it up. Stop being a smartass comic and ******* sort it out.
amisenho 11
Abandon thread! Abandon thread!
mallu86 9
Haha. Now, OP's neighbor will be chasing after him with a needle.
ClashParody 21
Gotta agree with 152. Sure, it was a clever comeback, but op is still an ass. Clean up after your own animal. I'd threaten to sew you, too.
emchocolat_fml 25
Love the username, too.
sonasonic 34
Worth it.
IAmJad 18
I'm probably the coolest person here.
buttery_nipples 12
Sew poop to his mailbox.
JustinKirby 20
As badass as it would be for OP to do that, the neighbor would have a really good reason to bring the cops into it.
Applesarefum 9
was there a reason to bring the cops in the first place? if OP picked it up then it should be fine.
iknowiwantyou 13
no it's not fine, it's aggravating. my neighbour's son used to flick his cigarette butts onto my lawn after he was done smoking and it was infuriating. I'm glad his mother didn't know he smoked when I told her though, I never saw cigarette butts on my lawn ever again.
Ambient25 25
#49 At what part were the cops brought in?
iknowiwantyou 13
.
Ambient25 25
?
ImAFaker 29
!
GayPride_52412 11
or they could leave it on his door step.
jessBeAqueen 13
am I the only one who noticed the buttery nipples? I'm getting visuals.
buttery_nipples 12
I hope you get visuals.
Splishie 4
It would be tampering with his mailbox and sadly that a federal offense.
iknowiwantyou 13
How's that sad though? If someone tampered with your mailbox I'm sure you'd be wishing for it be a federal offence.
karlcolt45 19
that's what you get for being a smart ass
Vagitarian1 10
Exactly, why antagonize him? You never know what kind of psychopath you're dealing with.
184886837272837 32
I agree, OP's neighbor does sound like an idiot but I'd be pissed too if a dog was ******** on my lawn. OP next time try to be the bigger person and have a polite discussion with your neighbor about how you'll keep your dog off his lawn.
Zimmington 21
I had a neighbor who wouldn't keep his dog from ******** on our lawn because "Poop is a natural fertilizer what's the harm?" We had 2 dogs that we didn't even let go on the front lawn without cleaning it up... if poop is a natural fertilizer than fertilize your own damn lawn
stingray112 24
It actually is no joke but yeah it's rude to do that on other peoples lawn
SgtAssCheeks 21
Probably called a Lolyer or some shit
drewflav 17
Lolyer: A person who comes to your doorstep and laughs out loud at your stupidity.
Welshite 40
Does it pay well? I'd gladly be a Lolyer.
chocolatefrog28 29
I wonder if the salary is similar to a prohahahasecutor.
SgtAssCheeks 21
Judge : Tell me, why did your client blew up an office building and shot 22 employees? Lolyer: For the lulz. Judge: xD Lolyer: xD Client: xD
Ambient25 25
If you're charged does that mean you go to jair?
drewflav 17
72 - If a Lolyer has you charged for something he sends you to a cashier :)
tman1985 9
I'd rather be a bale-lift
drewflav 17
173 - In my line of work, a "bale-lift" would be another term for "forklift". Trust me, you don't want to be one of those.
Matt_Hazard 16
@194 Depends who's driving it....
NoShit_Sherly 11
You sure about the lawyer? He might have meant tailor..
GuyNoOneKnows 13
Looks like your...shit outta luck! Anyone? No ok I'll leave.
SgtAssCheeks 21
Please do.
xxrogerthatxx 19
You're
luckyone365 7
Don't let the door hit you where the good lord split you.
JustinKirby 20
Haha! Nice Papa Roach reference!
botanistjessica 24
Idk 57, if I were you I'd lose the mustache.
sexual_girl 15
You use fabric for sewing. Wool is for knitting. Just saying.
lysx84 24
I sew with thread. I find it difficult to get fabric through the eye of the needle.
drwerewolf2013 17
I literally laughed out loud at this! So funny :)
mansen 15
But, but the fabric store has wool fabric for sale! Have they been lying to me???
Phanny141 5
How can you tell they've never 'sewn' anything in their life? lol. Smartass fail.
Mooish 18
Clean up your dog's shit!
fwongraven 10
That's really funny but are you genuinely letting your dog shit on his lawn?
yahoowizard 16
Maybe OP isn't necessarily "letting" the dog go poop on the neighbor's lawn, but OP was just unaware of it, as in, not just idly standing by and watching as the dog did its business. It is still OP's fault though and he needs to probably find a way to prevent it from happening again.