Today, I figured out the medical problem with my wife’s legs. She likes to spread them so my cousin has somewhere to rest his penis while I’m at work. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I went to the doctor's office because my wife and I are having some fertility problems. As I removed my pants, the doctor simply looked at my penis and said, "Mhm." My wife laughed the whole way home. FML
Today, after a long dry spell, I spent a day treating my wife, ending with a full body massage. She was wearing only panties, breathing heavily, and spread her legs, so I reached for her crotch to finger her… and she kicked me in the head so hard I fell off the bed and split my head open. FML
Today, my wife, who NEVER wants to have sex, decided that now is the time. I, of course, had to take antibiotics that make me so bloated I can’t move without extreme pain. FML
Today, after surgery on my penis, I’m on drugs to prevent erections. My girlfriend now thinks it’s hilarious to walk around naked, bend over in front of me, and do other sexy stuff, because she knows I can’t do anything to her and it’s killing me. In three weeks, her ass is mine. FML
Today, after close to 10 years of marriage, my wife’s health has improved enough she is craving sex again. Just not with me. FML
Today, I spent the evening with my new wife at the doctor’s because she thought she had a UTI. The doctor sent the nurse to talk to us because he was too embarrassed to tell us that we just needed to use more lube. FML
Today, I realized that I’m old, and that it’s been too long since I had sex or even masturbated. How did I notice? Because I tried to, and I found out I couldn’t comfortably spread my legs that far anymore. FML
Today, I just had surgery and my wife finally wants to have sex. Not that there haven't been enough other days in the previous years of marriage… FML
Today, I'm sitting in the emergency room because my girlfriend thought it would be funny to superglue my penis to my thigh while I was sleeping. FML
Today, after my wife had been bleeding when we have sex, the doctors sent her to hospital. While she was there overnight, I decided to masturbate at home. Turns out it was me. I have blood in my semen and was shooting it into her during sex. Glad she’s OK, but what the hell is wrong with my balls? FML
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Top comments
Thaylok 17
Almost sounds like a mineral deficiency. Could be cellulose. A lawyer can help by serving divorce papers.
Anderling 33
Why, how thoughtful of her! I think you should give her a gift for her generosity. I hear divorce papers are a customary “discovered my spouse cheating” gift, I’m sure she deserves it!
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Comments (4)
cacheson 42
I doubt that penis is resting.
Thaylok 17
Almost sounds like a mineral deficiency. Could be cellulose. A lawyer can help by serving divorce papers.
Anderling 33
Why, how thoughtful of her! I think you should give her a gift for her generosity. I hear divorce papers are a customary “discovered my spouse cheating” gift, I’m sure she deserves it!
RichardPencil 32
Your cousin needs to get his Tired Penis Syndrome looked at. I hear the Lorena Bobbitt Technique is very effective.