Today, I discovered that the amount of alcohol I have to drink to build up enough courage to talk to women at a bar is the exact amount of alcohol that prevents me from getting a boner. FML
Today, I had drunk sex with a girl that I barely know. I didn't have a condom and was nervous about getting her pregnant, but she assured me that I could pull out. Right when I was about to pull out, she wrapped her legs around me and yelled, "BE MY BABY'S DADDY!" I couldn't get out in time. FML
Today, I was at my girlfriend's house for the first time. I cracked a joke that offended her, so she gave me the silent treatment. I had to pee, and since she wouldn't tell me where the bathroom was, I went to look for it. I walked in on her parents making love. FML
Today, my mother caught me masturbating. Trying to defuse the awkward tension, I said "Oh, I was just thinking about you!" Not a good idea. FML
Today, my girlfriend was complaining of being stressed, so I mentioned having heard that sex relieves a lot of that build up of stress. She replied, "I think I'd rather stay stressed." FML
Today, I told my fiancé I wanted to hear something romantic. He said, "My dick loves your mouth." I guess that's as good as it's going to get. FML
Today, my son asked me for advice over his girlfriend not "respecting" his pathetic need for near-constant sex. I got so bored listening to the misogynistic horseshit spewing out of his mouth that I totally zoned out. I came to as he started hurling abuse at me for not siding with him. FML
Today, my girlfriend and I were getting it on in a water park changing stall. A woman and a security guard barged in and angrily told us that there were children around. We were escorted out of the park wearing nothing but our swimsuits. FML
Today, I got more turned on by the idea of sex with my boyfriend than actually doing it. FML
Today, in the middle of sex my boyfriend asked if he could use the bathroom. It would've been fine, if he didn't fall asleep on the toilet. FML
Today, things were getting heated with my boyfriend and I told him that I was finally ready to lose my virginity. Clearly he couldn't wait to get started because he fell asleep. FML
Today, my girlfriend revealed to me that she has primeisodophobia. What is primeisodophobia, you may ask? Well, it's the fear of losing your virginity. FML
Today, I wondered if my orgasms are worth the bother, seeing as I get horrible "I feel like I'm dying" cramps every time I climax. FML
Today, I decided to shave my balls. When I was finished, I vacuumed up the mess on the carpet, and then the fragments of hair still on my balls. Very bad idea. FML
Today, I realized I've never had sex with someone who was sober at the time. FML
Today, I got extremely wasted and decided to take a shower with my boyfriend. What seemed like a good and sexy idea turned into us falling and getting wedged in the bathtub. FML
Today, I caught myself yelling at the girl in the porn I was watching for looking at the camera every other second. FML
Today, after getting a pat of appreciation from my girlfriend's father for taking it slow, he found me later, in her room, with my head between her thighs. FML
Today, I realized you should always knock on your parents' door before entering. Even at 6:30 am. FML
Today, I found out my wife cheated on me with a guy from her work three times, two months before I proposed to her. She decided to tell me three months into our marriage. FML
Today, I was having sex with my husband. We thought the house was empty so we didn't mind being loud. Apparently, my grandma thought it would be fun to give us a surprise visit. All I found was a note on the counter from her and the spare key saying, "Next time, I'll call." FML
Today, I cut myself while shaving my globes. My girlfriend now refuses to stop teasing me about being "fisted by Edward Scissorhands." FML
Today, I found the list my wife made of the things she was going to give up for Lent. The first one was "Sex with other men". FML
Today, I gave my grandparents my old cell to use since they needed an upgrade. I thought I had deleted everything until I received a text from my grandmother. It was a vagina shot I had taken for my fiancé with a message that said "You need to wear more makeup". FML
Today, I was feeling frisky for the first time in months, so I started feeling up my husband. He kept insisting he had a headache and that he wasn't feeling it tonight. When I noticed his sarcasm, he said "Yeah, doesn't feel so great, does it?" and turned the TV volume up. FML
Today, I was posing in front of the mirror, when I realized that everyone who looks at me can easily tell which arm I use to masturbate. FML
Today, my mom tried to give me the sex talk, while I was mounting my boyfriend. FML
Today, I woke up next to my boyfriend of two years. I realized I was going to be late for work, so I asked him to hand me my underwear. I had never seen the underwear he gave me before. FML
Today, my husband and I were about to have sex. As soon as I got on top, he started speaking in a robot voice, then demanded that I call him "The Fuckinator." FML
Today, my dad was complaining about how he makes so little money, so I suggested he invent something. The first thing that came to his mind was an automatic animal masturbator. FML
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